My responses, then the commentary, ok? My kids are almost 3 and just turned 6.
1) In certain circumstances, I already leave my kids alone in the car. Times when I have done this include: when it is very cold outside and I have to run up to the door at M’s school to pick her up (safer for L buckled in the warm car than me carrying her on slippery ice and snow or in sub-zero weather), if I am running into Starbucks and parked near the door (though I can’t actually see the car the whole time), running in to a convenience store to grab milk or something, and once even at the library to pick up a reserve book. Actually, I am more comfortable doing this with L than with M, because she can not get out of her carseat herself to cause trouble. If it isn’t hot outside and the doors are locked/car isn’t running, I don’t see how it could be called “dangerous” to leave the kid for a couple minutes. I wouldn’t feel comfortable in a big parking lot with a bunch of people though (mall, grocery store, etc.)
2) Haven’t left M home alone yet, but I think it sounds extreme to wait until she is 10 before I can run out and pick up a pizza without dragging her along. I am more comfortable with the idea of her alone in the house (where she is very familiar with the rules) than I am with her outside alone.
3) Mr. A and I have had a long-running argument about this one. He would have let M play alone in the yard when she was barely 4, but I said no. We are just starting to let M play outside without direct supervision. Only in our front yard, if the door is open because our backyard has a path to a pretty busy street. Only in the grass but not the road (even though we live on a dead end).
4) I don’t know about this one. Certainly not alone at the park any time soon.
5) She will spend the night in a stranger’s home when hell freezes over. (Ok, I know this will eventually probably happen, but right now I can not even imaging OKing it.)
Reading through the comments, it seems that there is a big range in what people consider to be reasonable risks and dangers. I personally don’t worry much about my kids getting kidnapped by strangers. According to this article, stranger kidnappings happen less than 100 times a year. I just don’t buy the hype.
I would be much more worried about them being molested by an acquaintance who I didn’t know well (thus my answer to #5). I am very concerned about them getting run over by cars which makes me feel very cautious about #3 and #4. And like Spacemom mentioned, I am also pretty worried about drowning and guns, though it would be very hard for me to ask another parent about their weapons. I would also worry that they were misbehaving and acting like the other hooligans at the park if I wasn’t there to monitor them (#4).
I am a big believer in letting kids earn the right to have more freedom. M has not demonstrated a consistent ability to watch for cars and follow rules outside (where distractions abound) when I am not prompting her, so she can’t ride her bike or play in the street without an adult. We are just now testing her ability to be in the yard alone, so she is on a pretty short leash. On the other hand, she very clearly knows the rules in the house and can be trusted to follow them, so I think I would feel comfortable leaving her alone in the house (briefly) if she was ok with it.
Like Dawn and a few other people mentioned, I would also not be OK with leaving M in a position where she was responsible for L — if L wasn’t old enough to be responsible on her own. My parents left me in charge of my 8 year old sister while they worked(8 hrs a day, I think) for an entire summer when I was 11. It was too much responsibility and my sister wouldn’t listen to me at all. I think there is a place for an older sibling to take the responsibility for looking after a younger sibling, but too much responsibility too soon worries me. You may recall how freaked out I was by this incident at the park. One of my biggest concerns was something happening to the younger kid and the older kid getting blamed when it was not developmentally appropriate for him to be in charge of such a young child.
FYI, I checked and there are no laws in my state regarding either leaving your kid alone in the car or in the house. (So don’t bother calling the cops on me! heh.)
Also, thank you to all my lovely commenters for restricting your comments to your own kids and not getting judgmental about what other people do!
One more comment. Man this will really show people I am not working! My now 13 year old daughter was molested by a substitute teacher in her classroom bathroom when she was in Kindergarten. I DO NOT tell you this for shock value, in the grand scheme of things she is absolutely fine now and was after she told me about it that day. I wore it as a scarlet letter for about 2 years following that I had failed her miserably and delivered her to the bowels of hell that day. Please- to anyone parents, grandparents etc. run don’t walk to the bookstore and buy the “Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin DeBecker. He is a security expert and he writes fantastically well about teaching ourselves and our kids to trust their instincts. As adults even we will back into being polite and not want to offend others. I never in a million years thought a teacher would do that to my family, but I was naive, the teacher and the neighbor down the street gets as much if not more scrutiny from us.
And about the gun question, I ask all the time. I just do, I also walk my kid out to the car with his or her carseat and request that they use it. Never once has someone looked at me weird. And if they did the dates canceled.
Mom of Four – Thank you for your story. I’m home today & I’ll probably go buy the books now.
So much of this depends on the personality of the child, that I couldn’t possibly respond to all of the questions. But, a couple of things-at 2 1/2, S already plays in the backyard while I am in the kitchen with the door open. She’s just a very strong resourceful child-I never would have thought I would be ok with this. But she’s fine. And the dogs will protect her from intruders.
Regarding guns-I will ask, when the time comes. When I was growing up, my friend’s little sister was killed by another 10yo who got into his father’s gun cabinet when they were all playing in the afternoon. Father was/is well respected surgeon and totally involved parent, but things can still happen.
I am such the anti helicopter parent that I will keep some of my lapses to myself ; ) But my daughter manages fine. In fact, she is fierce about stopping and putting her arms out at any crossing, not allowing me to go until she investigates everything-won’t take my word that we can go. She must have learned that at daycare. The crossing thing, not the not listening to my go ahead. ~lmc
Yeah, apparently my state has a law forbidding you from leaving your child unattended in a car if they are younger than 8. So I guess that had something to do with the age I was allowed to stay in the car alone? Who knew! haha
not sure about all states, but
Texas Penal Code, Title 5, Chapter 22, Section 10 LEAVING A CHILD IN A VEHICLE. A person commits an offense if he intentionally or knowingly leaves a child in a motor vehicle for longer than five minutes, knowing that the child is:
younger than seven years of age; and
not attended by an individual in the vehicle
who is 14 years of age or older. An offense under this section is a Class C misdemeanor. If the child is injured, the charge is then elevated to child endangerment, which is a felony. The penalties are six months to two years in jail and a fine up to $10,000.
I think you have reasonable answers. I would just say that I understand the discomfort of the gun question. I am all for gun control and I am sure when I hit the parent who has a gun up with that question, we will have to discuss in great detail the arrangements. I would also have to explain to my kids that you leave the room if your friend or you finds a gun and tell and adult. Not to touch it, all of the scary things that we wish we didn’t have to tell them…
BTW- I was taking a nap the day Jay let S play outside, alone. grrrr. Once she had a taste of freedom, she couldn’t go back!
I’m totally with you on the ‘when hell freezes over’ on the last one. So far it hasn’t been an issue since my older daughter is too shy to make friends outside of people we know well. I’ve always sworn I’ll ask about guns, and when we get back to the States, I will. We’re such hippy dippy pacifists we don’t even let our kids play with toy guns.
I’ve been thinking about the leaving them alone, letting them play by themselves thing too. Things are quite different here than in the States. Our neighborhood really functions as a neighborhood here. People are always out on the streets or on their porches and everyone keeps an eye on everyone else, including our kids. Once my 3 year old and the cook’s 2 year old took a joy run our our gate and down the middle of the street and no fewer than 3 grandma’s swooped down and brought them back with appropriate scolding. And when my husband crashed the motor scooter around the corner, neighbors took my daughter into their house and patched her up. This all makes me feel both safe, and like a spectacle. Back in the States I hardly knew or saw anyone beyond the next door neighbors.
Makes a difference.
I didn’t comment on your last post, but I found the comments (and your comments) very interesting to read. I think what I love most is how very individual the reactions and responses were… as you mentioned, M isn’t very mindful outside yet, so you’d be more apt to let her stay home alone, etc…
As far as the car thing though, some food for thought:
http://www.avarosemeyer.com/avasrulepostcard.html
I’m not worried about kidnapping about strangers (well, I am, because I grew up when Ted Bundy was active in this area), but more, I’m worried about some nutball doing something that scares them, like making a face. Once, on a very traumatic day, my daughter was sitting on the sidewalk crying and an old man came by and laughed at her. It really confused her, and she wanted to know “Why did he laugh at me, Mama?” I wanted to hurt him, and actually, still do.
Also, someone in our area left her baby in the car a couple of years ago to run into the liquor store, and the car was stolen. The baby was fine, and she wasn’t charged, although I think that is a felony in this state. My husband pointed out that there is no way she wouldn’t have been charged if she had been black, plus DSHS would have been alll over her ass. But she was young, cute, white and regretful. But, I digress.
A friend of my daughter’s saw a gun at someone’s house. But my daughter already wasn’t allowed over at that house, because the dad is super creepy. I guess I have to ask the normal seeming people too!
These are tough questions. I live in Illinois, where there are laws about these things. My kids are 7 & 4. So far, I have only let them do #3 (playing outside in the backyard), but I’m actually watching them from inside.
When we first brought home our daughter (1 year old), she rarely slept a wink (I sooooo wish I was kidding). If in the morning she was still asleep when I had to run our son to school, I would leave her to sleep. There is no way in hell I was going to wake her for that whole five minutes it took.
I am a helicopter parent and proud of it.
Of course my daughter is only 4.
I find it very hard to believe there are only 100 stranger abductions a year in the US (couldn’t get the link to work). Of course my opinion is much colored by the fact that a stranger tried to get me to go off with him when I was left alone for five minutes at age 5. And my own daughter was approached by someone in my presence, who didn’t realize I was with her since we don’t match.
As far as our backyard, the big issue is animals, not strangers. We have these foxes that are just not scared of people, at all, and have stopped people from getting into their cars. A fox killed a fawn not long ago in this neighborhood. My daughter isn’t much bigger and I don’t feel confident she would be collected enough to get help.
i’m late to the game, but i’ll still answer.
1) At what age is a child old enough to be left alone in a car while you are out of sight for between 5-10 minutes ? ( for example to run into a store or pick up another other child)
we don’t drive, so that doesn’t happen
2) At what age would you feel comfortable leaving a child home alone for up to 30 minutes?
i left her alone for about 5-10 minutes when she was six (running to the corner store, and i mean *running*
, for about an hour when she was 7, almost 8, while picking up younger sibling from daycare. i did check in on her via cellphone, and she knows how to call me. she is allowed to get on the computer during that time, and is so happy about that that she won’t ever move away from it. it doesn’t and i wouldn’t like it to happen regularly, though.
3) At what age would you let your child go play alone (no adults) outside in your yard?
at about 4/5, though i kept checking on her every couple of minutes from the balcony.
4) What age would you let them walk 1-2 blocks to play alone in a park?
at 7, i think.
5) At what age would you let your child have a sleepover with a friend from school if you had only met that child’s parent a few times in passing?
at 8. it has happened a couple of times in the past year, never before that.
a) that’s what i did with my older daughter, i have no idea ho it’s going to happen with the little one. kids are very different in that regard.
b) a couple of months ago, my older daughter started going to brazilian school on wednesday afternoon on her own, and returning alone as well. it’s about 20 minutes from home, including a bus ride and walking through the park. we started doing so because i started taking the little one somewhere else at the same time. i would definitely not have considered letting her do so even a couple of months earlier – but as kids tend to do, she very suddenly matured a whole lot and i knew she’d be fine. i also want to mention that getting this responsibility has really done her well – she was and is very proud, and it helped her mature even more. i believe it is not only a matter of thinking about risks, there are also benefits of leaving a child alone (at the appropriate age).
“And my own daughter was approached by someone in my presence, who didn’t realize I was with her since we don’t match.”
Wishnik, Oh my God, how terrifying.