She wrote back.
Her oldest son is named Matthew. That makes me really happy. And her younger son looks just the tiniest bit like his uncle.
I think maybe we will meet up soon.
Her dad wants to talk to me. That makes me a little nervous.
I have a lot to think about, but mostly it is all good.
.
.
.
It is an hour after I wrote the first part of this post. I came back downstairs because I didn’t want to wake Mr. A with my stifled crying. This is the first time I have done the ugly cry in a long, long time.
All these years, I have kept my memories of Matt, his suicide and the misery of grieving alone wrapped up tight in a box and shoved way down into the far reaches of my consciousness. I still thought of Matt, but my brain mercifully glossed over the most painful parts.
Tonight, it feels a little like that box cracked open and all the memories – good and bad- are flooding back out.
I’ve missed him all these years, so it a way, I am thankful to have these memories in all their technicolor glory again.
The downside, obviously, is that this is more than a little overwhelming.
I am so glad you are getting back in contact with Matt’s family, but I am so sorry that he is gone.
i’m really glad you wrote her and that she wrote back. i hope you guys do get to meet up. i can imagine that it is really really overwhelming. hang in there.
Grieving is a long, slow, and often strange process. I’m sorry it’s welling up again now, but glad you have your memories back. Take care.
I’m sorry this contact has brought up those memories, but I think it’s a good thing in the end. You will need to finish process it all, and maybe you couldn’t go “there” without contact with his family.
It has been 6 weeks since my own BILs suicide and everyday, the thought I wake up with is the ever-lasting effect it will have on his children. Reading your post reinforces my thoughts on how this will impact them. thank you, it’s very very helpful.
I can’t imagine that you would ever look back and regret reaching out to her. I have been struggling with closure on the recent death of my first love, and I wish I had someone to reach out to like this.
Now that I type this, I’m thinking with some email and research, I could track down his half-brother (a kind and very interesting man I met for the first time at the funeral). It is hard to consider re-opening that wound, but I am 100% sure it would be worth it. Hmmm.
I wish you the best as you move ahead in talking to Matt’s family.
Best wishes for you as you go through this. My best friend committed suicide over five years ago and I haven’t had any contact with her dad except at the funeral. I keep meaning to write him a letter, but I’ve been putting it off. But now I’m recommitted to the idea even though I know it will be hard in some ways.
I can’t promise much, but I can promise you that it’ll never be as hard and as wrenching and as mind-numbingly-difficult as it was in those times right after he died. Be gentle with you.
My thoughts are with you.
I’m glad she wrote back. I’m glad you’re going to be able to grieve more fully. But I’m also sure it’s going to hurt like hell. I hope you get some peace and healing out of it. It sounds like his family wants some of that from contact with you too.
What a gift for his family. I’m so proud of you (and I know that isn’t why and I am still proud). Be good to yourself. Don’t explain to or apologize for yourself. Just go through it. Exquisite life.
Echoing the other thoughts to be gentle with yourself. What a maelstrom of emotions this must bring up – I’m wishing you strength and time in getting through it.