Preschool.

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Today was a big day.  It was L’s first day of preschool.

Because she had such a tough time when she first came home from China, we have always been very reluctant to leave L with anyone she doesn’t know very well.  It has been two and a half years since we met and she has only stayed with my parents, my sister and a friend who we see almost every day.  We worked hard to let L know that she can trust us, we only leave her with safe adults and we will always come back.

I think all our hard work has paid off.  As we were getting L ready for preschool, I told her “When Mama isn’t there, your teachers will take care of you.”  Last week, when L met her teacher for the first time, L walked right up to her and gave her a little hug.  She has been very excited about going to school “just like M.” When we visited the school, she made herself at home like she owned the place.

This morning, she marched up to the preschool door with a smile on her face. The only time she seemed to waver a little was when I hugged her goodbye and put her hand into the hand of the greeter who then took her to the line with the rest of her class.  I don’t know what happened after they walked through those doors.

I admit, I cried a little when I got into my car.  L is such a brave and strong kid.  She has come so far in such a short time, but it is still hard to send my baby out into the big world all alone.

It is going to be a long three hours before I can go pick her up again.

Only the beginning…

Here is an interesting article from the Baltimore Sun about a Chinese adoptee who located his birthparents.

I would hazard a guess that there will be more and more stories like this in the future.

Summer Wrap Up

We are heading into our last week of summer break. I have to pat myself on the back and say that this summer was a good one. While I did complain a bit, I think both the girls and I have enjoyed it. No one died of boredom and my head didn’t explode from a lack of silence (though sometimes I thought we were close!).

Some random odds and ends that could each be their own post, but won’t be because I have been too busy:

  • In August, M spent an entire week at my parents’ house. They requested that chunk of time all together and I was happy to comply because I suffering a bit of summer burnout. Their house is like grandkid heaven (pool, lake, boat, squirtguns, ice cream, no bedtime…you get the picture). M had a great time and didn’t seem to mind being away that long, though she did come home calling me “Nana.”
  • I really enjoyed my long weekend away, even though I spent two of my four days driving through flipping West Virginia. WV always makes me a little carsick and doesn’t have any decent NPR reception, so that makes me a little cranky.  Is it terrible to say I didn’t miss the girls at all?  It was such a relief to have a few days where I didn’t have to think of anyone’s needs but my own.  I loved hanging out with my good friend and enjoying her hospitality. When I came home, it looked like the girls had each grown at least an inch.  I was also very happy to see them, even if they only seemed interested in what presents I brought for them.  I was particularly pleased that L survived 4 days with my mom and Mr. A with no negative side effects.  I have always been a little careful about her attachment and expected some reentry bumps, but so far, so good.   That puts us one step closer to the dream of Mr. A and I having a whole long weekend alone in a hotel somewhere with no children.
  • After a ton of stress, I finally found a preschool for L. It was only 2 days a week, but it had a good number of Asian kids, so I was happy.  As soon as I adjusted to that plan, we got a call that L’s waitlist number for our school district’s Pre-K program came up.  At that school, L would be a “typical peer role model” for kids with various kinds of physical or developmental disabilities.  I have heard really great things about that school (though I didn’t get to visit while it was in session), it is 4 mornings a week (!!) and is really cheap. I am a little nervous because a friend whose son was in a similar program in another city had a not so good experience, but I am going to give it a try. Besides, L’s speech and her fine motor skills could use some extra work, both of which will be heavily stressed in that program. I am crossing my fingers.
  • As mentioned above, L will likely be in school 4 mornings a week!  Hallelujah! I can’t even imagine what I might do with all that spare time.
  • M is going to have the same teacher for 1st grade as she had last year for kindergarten. We feel really lucky that her school worked with us so she will not have to go to a 2nd grade room for reading.  Her teacher volunteered to do individualized instruction for her at the level she is currently testing AND they clustered two other advanced readers in that class.  M will get to have a normal reading group with her classmates and she will also get to keep working ahead at her own pace.  It is the best of both worlds.  We *big puffy heart* her teacher who helped make this possible. The only bummer is that not one kid from her kindergarten class will be in her 1st grade class (not clear on why, something to do with the teacher not teaching the same kids 2 years in a row). M makes friends easily, so hopefully this won’t be a big deal.

Those are basically our big-ticket items right now.  Life is good.

it only hurts forever

Since I saw D last month, I have been grieving Matt’s suicide again. I don’t really have the time or the privacy to really immerse myself in it, but I have been taking small chunks of time here and there to think and cry.

When I went on my car trip this weekend, I took a handful of mix tapes (ah, mix tapes) that Matt made for me before he left for the army. I don’t remember ever listening to those tapes after Matt died. When I was in the thick of those first years of grief, it would have been too much. I just packed them away and didn’t think much of them until I was sorting through things before I went to see D.

I dusted them off and listened to them again while I was alone in my car with 8 hours to think. With the first chord of the first song, I started crying. Even now, it is a little overwhelming.

Ever since D told me she thought Matt would have married me if he could have, I have been tiptoeing around that idea. With 8 hours to think about it, I realized I really, really want that life. I want the life I could have had with Matt.

I want to know what it would have been like.  I want to know who my children would have been and what they would have looked like.  I want Matt to be the amazing father he would have been to the red curly-haired daughter I always imagined we would have.  I want D to be my sister-in-law. I want to know where we would have lived. I want Matt to grow old with me.

I want these things so much, it feels like my chest could explode with the longing. I want a do-over. I want a life without losing Matt. I want a life where he got better and was happy.

At the same time, I love the life I have.  I love Mr. A.  He isn’t a 2nd choice husband, he is seriously the most perfect person to spend my life with.  I love our children and I can’t imagine any other children in their place.  I love our life and our family with every single fiber of my being. I am unbelievably happy with my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

So how can it be that I want them both?  I couldn’t have one if I have the other.  But I do want them both.  I know it is crazy.  I want the Now and I want the What Might Have Been.

I know that the life I have is my only real option, but that doesn’t lessen the longing for the other life. Right now, I am letting myself soak in that longing for a bit before I box it up and put it on a shelf deep down in my heart again.

I think this terrible Sophie’s choice of desires is good for me, even though it sucks.  If I weren’t experiencing it, I don’t think I could really understand the complete and total longing for different lives.

I think it might be, in some small way, how L might one day feel about losing her birth family and her life in China. In all of this hurting for me and the loss of my own What Might Have Been, I can see more clearly how it might hurt for her.

And not only does it hurt, it keeps coming back years and years later. With the passage of time, the pain isn’t really any less.

It sucks.  It really, really sucks.

One is the _____est* number

Tomorrow, something very exciting is going to happen: I am going to be alone for EIGHT full hours.

Even better than that, I am using those eight blissful hours of solitude to drive to North Carolina to visit a friend.  And get this, NO KIDS are coming with me!  I will be without my children for FOUR DAYS.

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am.  Since we adopted L, I have NOT slept away from home without her.   Sure, sure, she has spent some nights at my parents’ house in the past year, but *I* haven’t been away from home without her at ALL.  And now I get three whole nights and four whole days!

We are going to watch dvds, go to the beach and generally relive our days as childfree party girls.

(Ok, to be honest, that is a bit of an exaggeration.  Technically, we will only be childfree until my friend’s son comes home from his dad’s at 7:30 each night.  And we won’t really be partying per se, but we will eat ice cream and watch some movies!  Without my kids!)

Seriously, I can’t wait to get on the road.  I expect to come home having reclaimed a small but significant chunk of my brain.   You know, that part  that is constantly being eaten by the children.

*The title of this post should probably be One is the Exciting-est Number!