Holy cow, who can believe it? Another post from me this week. I know, has hell frozen over or what?
Here is my contribution to the Blog Carnival going on over at Grown In My Heart. (We are just going to overlook the fact that I find the title of the blog more than a little offensive…). This is quick and dirty because L is fighting her nap and I suspect she will be downstairs any minute.
What No One Told Me About Adoption (or if they told me, I didn’t pay any attention):
- Before we adopted L, no one told me about trauma and the long term affects it can have even for an 11 month old baby. On that day in that room when L was handed to a complete and total stranger, something broke inside her. It took a long, long time for her to feel safe again. No one told me that with every baby step forward, the slightest misstep could send her 10 steps backward. No one told me that L’s trauma issues would make me wonder at times if she would have been better off staying in her orphanage. No one told me that I would blame myself for hurting her by taking her away from her ayis and the only home she knew.
- No one told me the impact that trauma can have on attachment. I went to China ready to begin working on attachment from day one, but it wasn’t until L worked through her trauma issues and felt safe with us that she really attached they way she should. I think it took well over two years before she would allow herself to be cuddled. At this point, I think she is about 95% of the way there, though we still have some issues with her sometimes not wanting to be comforted when she is hurt. We are still teaching L to be loved and she is still teaching us how to love her every day. It took longer than I thought, but all that work makes me appreciate where we are now even more.
- No one told me all that internal work I did to prepare to become a transracially adopting parent would really pay off. When I get that creepy vibe from someone who wants to have an inappropriate conversation, I am perfectly comfortably fending them off. I have thought through exactly how much information I am willing to share with strangers. I am comfortable prioritizing my kids’ needs over other people’s curiosity. Our family situation isn’t the norm for families adopting from China, it has been a pleasant surprise how little the fact that L is Asian and I am not has affected us (and her) so far. I also feel really good about the amount of culture, language and role models that L is exposed to. Obviously, this could change as L gets older, but right now I feel competent and ready to handle whatever comes our way. Yay for preparation!
- No one told me that loving L would make it impossible for me to walk away from her family in China. Sure, sure, I thought we would talk about them and think about them, but no one told me that I would feel so very strongly that we should find them for L. We are still taking baby steps but even those steps make us trailblazers. This quote by Lin Yutang means a lot to me now: “Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.” We have hope and we are taking the first steps. We know that many Chinese adoptees and their families will follow behind us.
I hate the name of that blog, too.
[...] going around the blogosphere – there are adoptive parents such as Malinda, Tonggu Momma, and Amber; and other firstmothers who are doing it as well. Since I am not an expert at navigating the Grown [...]
What you said about fending off inappropriate and creepy conversations – I’m embarrassed to say it took me way too long to get there and that I probably still have a long way to go.
If it makes you feel any better, I got my practice fending off the gushers with M when she was small. By the time we got L, I was an old hand but it took practice.
Right now, my biggest problem is actually M who likes to tell everyone who looks vaguely interested all the details of L’s adoption. We are having a number of conversations about what is private and what we share. Unlike her Mama, M likes to make eye contact with strangers, so I have to create a barrier between her and the nosy people.
Longtime lurker here. You have always made me think & look closely at myself & made me think some more. I don’t always agree with your point of view, but I really appreciate the way you put things out there. This post really spoke to me because as prepared as I thought I was to deal with the trauma of adoption on my daughter, I wasn’t prepared. Our daughter has RAD, which was diagnosed about a year after she was with us. Now 2 years later I am seeing huge leaps towards a secure attachment, however, even today I see how much further we need to go. It is 1 step forward & 10 steps back as you said. Some days you look like a genius & somedays you just get through the day. I find myself better able to tell people our story of dealing with attachment face to face than on the internet, I’m glad there are people like you who are better at telling the story here in cyberspace.
Hi Monica,
I always wonder what it means when people say “I don’t always agree with your point of view”. I suspect it means that I make decisions that really offend you in some way. If that is the case, thanks for still reading along anyway.
Good luck with your daughter. RAD is a tough row to hoe. Keep telling the truth. The more we talk, the more people will have a clue.
Ah this: “We have hope and we are taking the first steps. We know that many Chinese adoptees and their families will follow behind us.”
For all the mothers in China left behind and who have no voice, thank you.
Thanks Claudia. I am confident that the tides are changing and we will soon hear of more and more reunions in China. Families there are not willing to take this situation lying down any more. There are two stories in the LA times this week that show that clearly:
A Young Chinese Girl Longs for her Twin
And
Babies Stolen by Officials for Foreign Adoption
so, are you willing to talk about the steps you are taking to find birthparents in China?
I am most curious about this and would like to go down that road too.
Sorry, I can’t share any info about our efforts because it might compromise the search and/or endanger her family. There is information about searching out there on the internet if you look though.
maybe you don’t want to start a discussion on this, and I do understand, but this issue has been on my mind a lot…like the LA Times article you referenced, what would you do if you found out L was taken by force? When I first started thinking of a reunion, I had on rose-colored glasses…but have since thought about many different scenarios. Still trying to get my head around this, I guess and am looking for some dialogue on it!
Thanks for the links to all the stories. I read them all.
I have a relative (not me) who got unexpectedly pregnant. She got 100% support from family and chose to keep her child. (I am not sure if “keep” is the correct lingo.) She got educated and a good job. Her child has done VERY well.
I feel that the moms who choose to keep their children are left out of the adoption “triad”. Their voices need to be heard, too. If a person has considered adoption and NOT decided in favor of it, then that person has been affected by adoption, too, in a way.
I am a result of my mother’s unplanned teenage pregnancy and I couldn’t agree with you more. I wrote a little bit about my mom’s story here.
I found S napping today-I told her she needed quiet time, since the nap is so hard-and I started crying, looking at her beautiful face reluctantly giving up it’s vigilance for sleep at a very awkward angle-and wondering if people are still looking for the girl who disappeared during her nap-and if they have that same beautiful face. I was prepared in many ways, but not for these spontaneous tears when I see her completely relaxed. And I just got her to bed less than 15 minutes ago. ~lmc
I should add, it’s particularly complicated for me in that my son’s birthmother lives less than 10 miles from me. He was taken against her will, for his own safety. I get that. But I also know she loves him very much. I am trying to get the county to agree to visits, so she can hear his incredible laugh and know who he is. But our child protection system doesn’t work that way. All I have been able to accomplish is a note in his file that I am open to visits if she requests them. She has a short life expectancy, so the unspoken understanding is that this would be a dying request. But county workers rarely have time to read the files.
Hi Lisa,
Is there a restraining order against the birthmom? If not, in NY anyway, if the child’s adoption is complete, you’re the parent and you can allow them to visit whoever you’d like. No formal agreement is necessary. If you’re more concerned about ‘getting into trouble’ somehow, you could also just say to her “You know, we’re going to be at such-and-such park on Saturday at 2pm.” If it’s a public place, and she happens to be there…. but then, maybe there’s more to the story?
Our daughter was also 11 months old. I would never have believed how much of the emotion from that first year would stay with her.
And then, when she’s a teenager, she will likely NOT want to talk about the trauma, attachment, or any of this. My parents were very open about discussing my adoption, but I didn’t want to be considered different. And I didn’t feel any different at the time. I thought of it as just another characteristic that one is born with, red hair or black, tall or short, adopted or not… I have several adopted friends in their 30s and they still don’t have any interest or see the value in talking about it. Albeit their parents were very open.
Such an interesting topic…
Hi Amber,
When I said I don’t always agree with your point of view, it was not meant as an insult & I am sorry if it came across that way and probably should have left it out. I guess I meant it more along the lines of I don’t always agree with my husband’s, friend’s, sister’s point of view on any given topic, however if it’s put in a way that makes me think, well then that’s good. Your blog makes me think. Sometimes you make me look at things in a different light & I will change my way of looking at it. Other times, no, but it gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my thoughts . The most recent was the Disney trip, until I remembered what a horrendous time I had with Katie there last year. However, we will be going back I’m sure as my brother lives 20 minutes from Disney. And then there is the “bad word” from M, well that was just the funniest thing ever, don’t know if I would have handled it the same way, although now I might, again food for thought.
As for the RAD, wow work in progress. This weekend was one of the more difficult in a long time. The transition back to school triggered it & we are going back to basics with the eye contact games, cuddling her like an infant & trying to help her find the words to tell me what she is feeling. Not easy but when I get a real “I love you Mom” it melts my heart. Right now we are back to ” I like you” which is better than “I hate you.”
Wow, it sounds like you are trying so hard and that you are doing whats best for L. I’m glad to read that you are wanting to help L find her bio family in China. I just started my search for my bio family 2years ago at age 39. I don’t think my adopted parents really had a clue about any attachment difficulties they might face with me or the need I would eventually have to find my bio family.
Thanks Rebecca-I just have no way to find the birthmother. And, if I did, I would still want the visits to be at DHS. What I know of her lifestyle and associations does not make me comfortable with her having our direct contact information. But still, she has a right to know her child is happy and healthy.