Comments on: What No One Told Me About Adoption

By: lisa

lisa — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:01:56 +0000

Thanks Rebecca-I just have no way to find the birthmother. And, if I did, I would still want the visits to be at DHS. What I know of her lifestyle and associations does not make me comfortable with her having our direct contact information. But still, she has a right to know her child is happy and healthy.

By: Heidi

Heidi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:57:33 +0000

Wow, it sounds like you are trying so hard and that you are doing whats best for L. I’m glad to read that you are wanting to help L find her bio family in China. I just started my search for my bio family 2years ago at age 39. I don’t think my adopted parents really had a clue about any attachment difficulties they might face with me or the need I would eventually have to find my bio family.

By: Monica

Monica — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:26:25 +0000

Hi Amber,

When I said I don’t always agree with your point of view, it was not meant as an insult & I am sorry if it came across that way and probably should have left it out. I guess I meant it more along the lines of I don’t always agree with my husband’s, friend’s, sister’s point of view on any given topic, however if it’s put in a way that makes me think, well then that’s good. Your blog makes me think. Sometimes you make me look at things in a different light & I will change my way of looking at it. Other times, no, but it gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my thoughts . The most recent was the Disney trip, until I remembered what a horrendous time I had with Katie there last year. However, we will be going back I’m sure as my brother lives 20 minutes from Disney. And then there is the “bad word” from M, well that was just the funniest thing ever, don’t know if I would have handled it the same way, although now I might, again food for thought.

As for the RAD, wow work in progress. This weekend was one of the more difficult in a long time. The transition back to school triggered it & we are going back to basics with the eye contact games, cuddling her like an infant & trying to help her find the words to tell me what she is feeling. Not easy but when I get a real “I love you Mom” it melts my heart. Right now we are back to ” I like you” which is better than “I hate you.”

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:12:06 +0000

Hi Lisa,
Is there a restraining order against the birthmom? If not, in NY anyway, if the child’s adoption is complete, you’re the parent and you can allow them to visit whoever you’d like. No formal agreement is necessary. If you’re more concerned about ‘getting into trouble’ somehow, you could also just say to her “You know, we’re going to be at such-and-such park on Saturday at 2pm.” If it’s a public place, and she happens to be there…. but then, maybe there’s more to the story?

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:07:07 +0000

And then, when she’s a teenager, she will likely NOT want to talk about the trauma, attachment, or any of this. My parents were very open about discussing my adoption, but I didn’t want to be considered different. And I didn’t feel any different at the time. I thought of it as just another characteristic that one is born with, red hair or black, tall or short, adopted or not… I have several adopted friends in their 30s and they still don’t have any interest or see the value in talking about it. Albeit their parents were very open.

Such an interesting topic…