After we withdrew L from the regular Chinese school, I decided to stick her in the FCC chinese school for a language class. I have been feeling moderately guilty that we haven’t made any effort to introduce L to any local kids her age who are also adopted, so FCC school would kill two birds with one stone.
Oh, so many years ago, we had a not-so-great experience with FCC. Now that we have an honest to goodness adopted from China kid, I was hoping things would go a little smoother. Remember the other experience, Mr. A flat out refused to have anything to do with FCC, so I knew I would be on my own. The language class was OK. Nothing too exciting, but L didn’t seem to mind it. The conversation afterward, left me more than a little deflated.
After the class, the teacher gave each kid a little treat. I think it was a single serving Pretz. If you have never eaten Pretz, they taste like vegetable flavored crackers. Apparently, the little cracker sticks seemed very exotic to some of the other parents though. As the kids were eating them, the very exotic and strange cracker sticks led the conversation to take a not-very-surprising turn: How weird shit is in China.
Don’t get me wrong, I think some Chinese stuff is plenty weird: Keeping the body of an old dead guy around for over 20 years, eating chicken feet, letting the government make decisions about how many children people can have. Hell yeah, that stuff is weird to me.
But I don’t bring my daughter to a class where I am hoping she will be exposed to a tiny bit of Chinese culture (thus demonstrating the fact that I value and respect it) and then talk about how weird Chinese stuff is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
*sigh*
Things that were included in the list of weirdness included but were not limited to the following: Chinese snacks, Chinese foods, Chinese McDonalds’ workers inability to understand English, some contaminated Chinese food that made someone sick in China, Chinese cookbooks that list weird ingredients that are not available here, and the variety of weird things that can be found at the local Asian grocery store (particularly in the freezer section).
I tried to do what I could to diffuse the conversation. I had avoided mentioning the fact that Mr. A is Chinese up until this point, but then I cracked.
“My husband is Chinese, so we shop at the Asian grocery all the time. Most of the stuff we have tried is pretty good.” I finally said. I offered to give someone the name of the very authentic chinese cookbooks I really like. Then I excused myself and went home.
When I went home and told Mr. A about it, he said: “I *told* you that is what it would be like. I don’t want my kids hearing a bunch of strangers talking about how weird China is.”
Then he went on, shaking his head, “Man, L lucked out. If she was stuck in a family that thought Chinese food was weird, what would she eat? She LOVES chinese food.”
Yeah, what if?
“Chinese McDonalds’ workers inability to understand English” Yeah — what is up with THAT? Why, that’s un-American! Oh wait…
You know, someone on the “grown in my heart” carnival said that they didn’t know how bonded they would feel to other adoptive parents and I was like, “Yeah, totally not my experience.”
America is a weird place, full of people who go to other countries and assume that it will be everyone will speak english, serve american food (or at least kung pao chicken and egg rolls). And who claim they respect the country that gave them their children but gather en masse to reinforce to their kids why they should be greatful that they were “rescued” from China.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience with FCC. I just read your previous post about what happened, and I’m just throwing this out for what it’s worth, and what my experience has been with FCC in my area – is it possible that the other parents didn’t talk to A, not because he was Asian, but because he is a man?
The vast majority of FCC events in my area are attended by moms. Not dads. I can say, categorically, that if a dad showed up at an FCC event, the moms might behave stand-offishly, regardless of the race of that dad, because dads showing up at FCC events in this area (with the exception of Lunar New Year) is simply weird.
Maybe you are right and they are uncomfortable around Asians – but I’d prefer to think, for my own sanity, that people who have ASIAN CHILDREN would not be rude simply because someone was Asian. The idea of that is causing all kinds of cognitive dissonance for me.
Lawmommy,
No, I don’t think it was because he is a guy. There were several other white dads in that class. We were in that class for a long time and the weirdness happened often enough that I am pretty sure it was because he was Asian. It wasn’t that they were being RUDE exactly, just that they wouldn’t make eye contact with us or talk to us if Mr. A was there. If it was just me, people talked to me.
My issues with FCC got to the point where I started saying it stood for “Faking China for our Chidren.” The events are very heavy on the “museum view of culture” that Mei-Ling Hopgood talked about in her recent article. I don’t want to be harsh since the intentions are generally so good with the group, but I’ve pretty much given up on them here. And I’ve been thinking a bit about Lawmommy’s comment, and it does seem like FCC in a lot of areas has become another mom’s group. I don’t necessarily mean that as a negative, but it doesn’t address what I’m looking for in terms of cultural support for Ellie.
I don’t need another mom’s group, and I have built my own network of IA families so that Ellie can make friends who share a similar experience. Where I still struggle is a true resource to help me navigate issues of race, identity and what it means to be a trans-racially adopted child in our country. Our agency has been an ok resource for that some of the time, but so far, FCC has not.
Wikipedia says maple Pretz is popular in Canada. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE CANADIANS AND THEIR WEIRD FOOD?? (Actually I’m a little creeped out by ketchup-flavoured potato chips, even though they make sense.)
I’m sorry you’re having such a bad experience with the parents again, sorry too that their kids will have to deal with that. I do hope L finds a place to be comfortable with other adoptees, but blech. What a pain.
We lived in a very rural area when we first had kids (coming from toronto it felt void of Chinese culture). I thought FCC was odd b/c no one but the kids were Chinese (and my “so not want to be here” husband is Chinese). They were forcing “Chinese” down the kid’s throats when it had no day-to-day meaning for them. Where as being Chinese is part of our lives b/c our extended family communicates in Chinese, husband watches chinese TV, eats mainly Chinese food, reads in Chinese… this is our life just like picking pumpkins in the fall is very American. My husband grew up in Asia and never wore a Chinese outfit and his sister never wore an Qi Pao yet these girls wore one faithfully every week. I wonder if one adopted a child from Russia or even an American born child that happened to be of French descent would one send them to French or Russian school? I always felt like saying families where 100% of them are Chinese do not obsess so much about being Chinese.
It was too odd and the conversations were creepy. I have a great group of multi-racial friends with kids now (though we moved to a more urban area).
I KNEW Whitely was talking about me behind my back!
perhaps the reason FCC groups try to ‘teach’ Chinese culture is because (at least when I adopted) parents had to promise to teach their adopted children about China. That point was emphasized over and over with our agency and social worker and during our interview with the Minister of Justice while in China..this was in 1997, so things may be different now. Korean a-parents have been blasted for not doing anything to teach Korean culture and now Chinese a-parents are being blasted for teaching Chinese culture!
I agree with Lee that I struggle with how to teach issues of race and cultural identity to my kids. and to jenney…my neighbors adopted their kids from Siberia and, no, they do nothing “russian”….because, as they often tell me, “No one knows by looking at my kids they are adopted from another country.” That may say it all right there!
omg- Pretz is such a japanese thing, not chinese….
I guess there isn’t a Chinatown where you live…come to NYC, you guys can stay with me!
We LOVE LOVE LOVE Chinese snacks! After 5 months in China in 2007, my kids became addicted to ketchup-flavored potato chips and dried seaweed and hawthorne candy and you name it! We have to hit the Asian grocery store (which is not near our house) every couple of months to stock up!
Chinese snacks = not weird
FCC = often weird
We don’t belong to FCC. What I have heard from others makes me a tad hesitant at this point. i did attend a screening of the film “Adopted, The Movie” sponsored by the NE chapter. One of the film makers was in attendance. That was very beneficial.
We recently started language classes and a playgroup/mentor program through China Cares at Brown University. So far so good. There are a number of programs throughout the country. Here’s the link for anyone who may be interested.
http://www.chinacare.org/empowering/clubs/playgroups
We tried our FCC for a short while, but had some of the same experiences as others on here. IWe also decided just to go with getting together with a few adoptive families for holidays, etc. So far, so good. I wish we could fit in a language class, but classes are held at a time when our kids have religious school. Maybe we’ll look into a tutor as well.
I generally do not use the word “lucky” to describe anything related to our daughter’s adoption, but there are times when I too have thought that our daughter lucked out to end up in a Chinese family (my hubby and I are ABC’s.) Sometimes I’ve gotten that same weird vibe and I think that it must be so much easier for our daughter to just be able to be Chinese in a Chinese family. We don’t have to force it. I know many parents have good intentions, but those intentions sometimes make me cringe.
“Chinese McDonalds’ workers inability to understand English”
Maybe that’s because they are not IN an English-speaking region?
Oh wait. That’s too obvious to take into consideration.
Bloody hell, I freaked out when I realized that the McDonald’s employees couldn’t understand English, but at least I knew to EXPECT it and brought a note with me!
Thank you for the thoughtful post on my blog! I find this post interesting–so the parents want their kids to have Chinese language/culture as presented by the school but not be open to other Chinese things. How odd to characterize these things as “weird,” with all the negative connotations of that word, and not comment simply on how different things are in China and use it as a jumping point for a larger conversation about the general diversity of the world and how others live.
It goes to show, I suppose, that multi-ethnic families (or at least the parents) are not automatically worldly or open-minded.
After I commented on this I really wished the kids could go to a more realistic chinese school (so far we have opted out of chinese school after the fcc experience). The next day in the paper there was an ad for a new chinese school around the corner from our house run by a chinese lady married to an American. It looks like most of the kids are bi-racial. how serendipitous!
After I commented on this I really wished the kids could go to a more realistic chinese school (so far we have opted out of chinese school after the fcc experience). The next day in the paper there was an ad for a new chinese school around the corner from our house run by a chinese lady married to an American. It looks like most of the kids are bi-racial. how serendipitous!
Not all FCC’s are created equal, but most are as you describe. I have been a member of several in our many moves – one I even led when our first daughter was very young. Ultimately, the best experience our family has had was living in a very diverse area, getting involved with a small, local Chinese school (not the one with 400 families), going to the Chinese Chinese New Year, not FCC’s, hosting our own celebrations and having my Chinese and Vietnamese friends cooking beside me, teaching me and my kids. Why go to an Americanized version when you can experience it with those more culturally competant. Unfortuantely we moved from there….. I won’t forget going out one night and my husband and I were the only caucasians – everyone else was Asian. I asked my then 4 year old how that made her feel. Her response – “I feel sorry for you!”.
What a bunch of ignorant idiots. American food is about as “weird” and unnatural as you can get in the world. Sounds like it’s a place for stereotypical/faux-Chinese culture for white people afraid of real live Asians (who aren’t cute little girls).
Whenever I’m on flights between China and the US I overhear (or, shudder, am stuck talking to) dumb Americans spouting off such ignorant and offensive stereotypical “observations” about China. Sadly most people prefer the comfort zone of their prejudices.