I keep waiting for the MIL story to get funny, but it just isn’t. In all the time I have known her, I have tried to view our interactions through the lens of funny because otherwise I would be a seething ball of MIL-directed anger. Actually, a seething ball of MIL-directed anger is exactly how I feel right now.
So here it is:
A few weeks ago, MIL called out of the blue one day while Mr. A was at work. There has been a bit of a crisis going on with Mr. A’s younger sister who is mentally ill, so when I answered the phone I was expecting a conversation relating to that particular mess.
After our initial pleasantries, this is the conversation we had:
MIL: Uh, I need M’s social security number.
Me: Why?
MIL: Well, I have a retirement account and I want to list M as a beneficiary of 50% of it in case something happens to me.
At this point in the conversation, I pause because this makes no sense. Any money MIL has should be directed toward a special needs trust for Mr. A’s younger sister. In that brief moment, I hadn’t gotten any farther with my thoughts than thinking about SIL. It would appear that the pause is what led us to MIL opening her mouth and saying something that I will probably hear in my head every time I look at her or talk to her for the foreseeable future.
MIL: It isn’t that I don’t love L, you know, because I like her. She is a very nice little girl. It is just that I feel like M is special. She shares her love with me, so I want to give my money to her.
The thing about MIL is this: as soon as she says something like “it isn’t that I don’t love L” you know that is EXACTLY how she feels. As soon as I process what she has said, all I can see is red.
Me: MIL, I think you are going to have to discuss this with Mr. A.
Then I hung up.
The thing is, we have told MIL over and over that we absolutely will not allow her to treat M and L differently. To be more specific, that she is not allowed to favor M. That kind of behavior is unhealthy for BOTH girls and will will not allow it. We have discussed this many times, so it isn’t news to MIL.
The thing is, MIL has made no real effort to get to know L. We are partially to blame because we used to make much more of an effort to see her when M was little, but now with two kids, driving several hours there and back in one day is very difficult. All of MIL’s four grandchildren live here, so it makes the most sense for her to come see us. Also, I haven’t been willing to drive up to see her because I have been trying to avoid this very dynamic.
As soon as I hung up with MIL, I called Mr. A at work and left messages on his cell and work voice mail telling him to call me because I was so mad at his mom.
Once he heard the story, he called her. By that time, her story had changed:
“I want to give the money to M because she is the OLDEST.” she told Mr. A. “That is how Chinese people do it.”
I believe MIL figured out how pissed I was by what she said by the time Mr. A called, so she changed her story. (And maybe she thought maybe I wouldn’t have told Mr. A what she said to me??? W.T.F.??)
Mr. A told her in no uncertain terms that favoring one kid, whether because they are the favorite or because they are the oldest (or the most likely scenario which is because one is biologically realated to her), is not acceptable to us.
I know we can’t force her to love both girls the same. I know she may not love L, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why she must dislike L so much that she wants her final act to be the kick in the gut of making sure we all know that she loves M the most.
While I can’t control how she feels about the girls, I can control how much access she has to them. Right now, I am mad enough that I don’t want to allow her to see them any time soon. I told Mr. A that I don’t think I am going to be over this feeling by Christmas.
I don’t know when or if I will ever not feel this angry with her.
There isn’t anything funny about this. It’s awful. It’s great that you and Mr. A have set up such clear boundaries with her.
Also, what she said is the kind of thing I *never* forget.
There is nothing funny about this. My husband is adopted and he remembers VIVIDLY how his grandmother told his mother that she just couldn’t quite love him as much as her “real” grandchildren. (He was 9 years old and had gotten out of bed to wheedle more time awake.)
He’s 38 now and she’s gone and it still hurts.
Good for you, you’re doing the right thing.
It’s not funny. I understand why you’d be mad. And, I’d be nervous giving her the SSN, even if she did ask for both girls to be beneficiaries. Because who knows what else she might do with it?
This is just plain awful and mean, no wonder you’re upset.
Now, your post touches a very very complex problem related to adoption and which coincidentally is the main reason my SIL has given as to why she is not likely to ever adopt — the grandparents not being accepting and loving enough and discriminating between grandchildren.
You see, we both have two sons each and we’re done having kids, but we love the idea of adopting a little girl (if I ever adopted I’d want a girl from Brazil). SIL told me a while back though, that we cannot adopt because she is sure that our in-laws (who are wonderful, adjusted people, BTW) would have problems accepting these children unconditionally and loving them the same as the other grandkids. We know they would never, ever say or do anything, but just knowing that the feeling is there is enough deterrent to my SIL (and, consequently to me, because I think that she is right).
In our husbands’ family several things make our wish to adopt girls even more complicated. As of now, there are no grand-daughters yet (my youngest BIL is about to start trying, my second BIL may have another child) and so my MIL as four sons and five grandsons. I don’t think any adopted grand-daughters would cut it. Now, my SIL also wanted to adopt trans-racially and that would be a HUGE problem (adding racism to the mix). (oh, and I think my parents would be supportive and loving, were we to decide to adopt — I don’t think we ever will, though).
So, thanks for sharing your MIL struggles with us, they bring pertinent issues to the forefront (although we know your MIL is nuts and several problems arise from that too).
No, not one bit funny.
My MIL said to me, “I knew I’d love them, but I didn’t realize how much I’d love them.” Which is great, but still made me a little sad for some reason. But, it’s all good. I’m sorry your MIL can’t even begin to get there.
I’d be done, too, Amber. Have you and Mr. A figured out yet how you will arm M against this particular genre of awful in the future? Extended family members (whom we did not see often for a variety of reasons inclusive of many that resonate with this post) did this to me directly and secretly after my parents made clear that they would have none of it, and even at nine and eleven and twelve I still had no idea what to do with it, and how it made me feel. It is past two decades later and still when I think about these times I feel ten different kinds of suckiness, complicated by the fact that the offending relatives still can’t manage a clue as to the damage.
I would feel exactly like you and want to keep my kids from her toxic personality. A favoritist, anti-adoptionist relationship is worse than no relationship at all…
My one grandmother played all sorts of weird favorites. She didn’t quite accept some of my older cousins because they were from my aunt’s first marriage, before she married my uncle. But then, she favored my younger, adopted, brother over me. She just played favorites all over the place and for varied, incomprehensible (to me, then and now) reasons.
I think you showed amazing restraint in simply hanging up. I’m furious FOR you.
Yeah, trust for the SIL is where the money should go and that is SOO weird to just want to give it to M. But what can you expect right? ANd I agree, I would be soo angry and hanging up was the right thing. Nuts!
Wow. Wow wow wow wow.
I don’t think this’ll ever be funny. And I’m so sad that you and the girls have to deal with it. But I’m so glad that the girls have you two as parents. If they have to deal with this kind of thing from their grandmother, at least they’ve got fierce advocates to help them through it.
As much as I laughed at most of your other stories (although I seriously! did! feel guilty for laughing), this one does NOT have me laughing. There is nothing funny about this whatsoever. I am so very sorry. Being a grandparent is not a right… it is a privilege that one must earn through developing trust with the parents and a positive relationship with the child(ren). A toxic relationship is worse than no relationship at all. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m furious for you.
You are right, it is NOT funny. The thing is this, you have to protect them both from this thinking and it is no easy compromise to let either of them see her, which is necessary or not only depending on your situation.
My grandmother is this way with boys versus girls. She has made it very clear to the three grandgirls that we are not in the will, not her favorites, and that we are less in her eyes–although she expects us to clean her home when we visit, make meals, etc. Our cousins–the grandboys–are the heroes of the family. They walk on water. Yes, two of them are very talented, have PhD’s and big time careers–one is a loser; however, of the three girls one has a PhD and great career, me with the MA working on the PhD, and my sister who is not highly educated, but is doing well. We are the “losers” in her eyes who will never amount to much no matter what we do. I used to care, I don’t anymore. On a another note–my grandmother has three children (two boys who walk on water–one being my father, and a daughter who is more successful than either one of her sons, who is belittled at every turn). Some people will never get it.
If you allow them to see her I think it is just important that you make it known to them that she has issues and they do not reflect on them as individuals–it will take them years to come to that realization perhaps, but what is the alternative? Unless you are going into “no contact” mode, there is really no choice but educate them against her atttitude.
BIL here, thought I’d chime in on the blog. My understanding of Chinese inheritance (which may or may not be fully correct) is that it goes to the sons (which in this case would be Mr. A only) if one is traditional, and to both sons and daughters if one is more modern. Skipping a generation and having it go to the eldest granddaughter is not something I’ve heard before.
I did a quick google search and it seems to confirm my view. See http://is.gd/4VHpy for example.
So I think Mr. A should also be furious that he is being cut out.
Not that it matters anyway. Considering how she’s squandered away so much of her income and wealth, odds are not good that she will have much of anything but debt when she passes away.
True, true. The question I didn’t get around to asking is who would have received the other 50%? Would it have gone to younger SIL, or would she have chosen to favor one of the other two grandchildren too?
It doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. It is just one more example of her inability to maintain interpersonal relationships AND her dumb decision-making process.
This is terrible. I worry about this dynamic with my kids and their grandmother too, not because of adoption, but because their horrible father told his mother that our younger son is not his. She assures me that she wouldn’t care even if it was true, but I’m not sure that I believe her (or that she believes it’s not true). We don’t see her enough (and my younger son is young enough) that it’s hard to tell whether she treats them differently, but I watch and worry. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this and no, it’s not funny and it never will be.
Totally not funny, no matter how hard you’d try. Ugh.
As a side note, as a tax person, I can assure you that you do not need someone’s SSN to make them the beneficiary of your retirement money. (It’s acceptable to leave the spot on the form blank. What they’re really asking for is some way to definitively identify the person you want to get the money. Birthdate and/or address and/or relationship should be sufficient.)
Also, while M is a minor, you would have the ability to act on her behalf to disclaim any money that was left to her, should you feel the need to do so. You wouldn’t get to choose who it went to – it would go to the person next in line, as if M had predeceased MIL, or to MIL’s estate to be divvied up in probate according to her will – but you aren’t stuck taking it.
Pretty horrible stuff. I had some experience with this sort of thing growing up. All of my siblings are adopted; I’m the only biological child. My Korean grandmother really doted on me. There wasn’t any favoritism as overt as this MIL situation, but even as a kid I knew about it. When I was really little it made me feel special and I liked it but then when I got a little older it made me feel uncomfortable. A lot of old-school Asians do not have the best attitudes regarding adoption.
wow – speechless
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. You are so right to stick to your guns though, your MIL will be the one to suffer and miss out on her grandchildren if she doesn’t keep an appropriate attitude. I haven’t seen my paternal grandmother since I was 8, due to her crazy poisoning behaviour. It’s really sad but my parents protected us and I am glad for that. Hopefully things will work out much better for you, if MIL can’t change her attitude hopefully she will at least keep it to herself.
No, not one bit funny. I wish I could say I feel sorry for her for shutting herself off, but I can’t. It’s just too mean to a child. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I’m fortunate that the majority of my family sees adoption as just another way to add to your family. There are a few who don’t and we keep our distance from them.
My paternal grandmother never accepted my sister and I as full grandchildren, since we had been adopted. Her comment when my parents brought my sister home was, “Are you sure she doesn’t have black blood in her?” Um, my sister is part Hungarian. We were left out of her will by name. Forty years later, and it still makes me ill.
Good for you for laying down the law and not soft-selling the situation. It isn’t funny at all.
You know, in light of the fact that as BIL says, no “traditional” Chinese person would leave the money to a granddaughter, and in light of the fact that as Phoebe says, she doesn’t need the SSN to make M her beneficiary, and in light of the fact that she called YOU instead of Mr. A. . . .
I’d say this was just her passive-aggressive (or maybe aggressive-aggressive) way of sticking it to you. She has no intention of leaving any money to M! She just wants you to make you miserable by establishing she doesn’t feel the same way toward L. What a witch!
Ugh. I’m sorry. Not funny.
I feel for you.. my inlaws stories are eerily similar to your stories.
But…
hallelujah! My inlaws don’t speak english beyond “how is the weather?” and no one has let them know that I understand what they are saying in Chinese (let’s keep it that way). It makes for a much happier family I think…
Maybe I’m just too used to crazy Chinese relatives, but this doesn’t really bother me. It’s not that I approve, but at a certain point you can either get angry every time they do something wrong or roll your eyes and ignore it. One of my grandmothers doesn’t really like me or my siblings. She makes up all sorts of excuses like my male cousins have my grandfather’s last name (my mother is her daughter), but when she started favoring my cousin’s daughter over mine b/c of the last name issue, that’s when my mom blew a gasket.
The thing is, it’s not like there’s going to be any real money left over, so it’s all just posturing. 50% of zero is still zero, so what’s the point in stressing? I guess what I am trying to say is that grandparents play favorites regardless of whether a grandchild is their blood relative or not, and it’s not like you can change them. All you can do is limit the amount of time they spend with your kids.
Yeah, there’s no funny in this one. You have my sympathies.
Oh.Hell.No. There’s not much more I can add that hasn’t been already said by previous commenters. That is one thing I would never forget, and I don’t know if I honestly would ever forgive.
Hmmm, today was “ranting about in-laws” day for you, Jody, and I, I just posted mine (it’s mostly a rant about immigration and getting visas to the U.S., but also about my FIL). Funny coincidence…
My Chinese MIL puts away money for college for all of her grandkids. Since our son is the only male grandchild born to one of her sons, she puts away a lot more money for him. I’m not sure my husband’s siblings are aware of this. She puts away quite a bit less for our daughters (one who is adopted.) In her case I really don’t think it has to do with whom she loves more. She honestly loves all of them dearly, including our adopted daughter. More that he’s the male to “carry on the family line.” My FIL who has passed away was an only child. So she does show financial favoritism, but not in other ways. So we don’t rock the boat because what can we do – it’s her money and she gets to decide. I think she kind of sees it as a way to honor her husband’s family line.
That kind of favoritism (or disfavoritism) can leave lasting marks within family relationships. Now I’m wondering what, if anything, you tell your daughters, or what kind of narrative do you want to shape for them about the situation. It’s not like that distressing relative is going to go away. From my own experience, one might not understand what’s going on, but one will feel it nevertheless. It is a crappy thing for you and your family to be subjected to.
My favorite favorite cousin was adopted 10 years before I was born. This was in the50s. Her older brother was adopted, and her younger brother was born to their parents. Her parents, my great aunt and uncle, only sent the bio son to college and left everything to him in their will. I was furious but I honestly think they thought it was the right thing to do in terms of family line etc.
Bio son, who has all the problems associated with walking on water his entire life, somehow found the good sense to give his inheritance to his older siblings-who had fewer opportunities in life due to his parents neglect. I am still very proud of him for this decisions.
Different circumstances, but, if you knew my aunt and uncle, you would know they were never intentionally cruel. Just had antiquated ideas about “blood.”
I found out when I was ten that my maternal grandparents offered my parents a hefty sum of money in return for the invitation to my baptism. When my mom called to ask aboout the check and what it was for my grandpa said “That’s for her, but we don’t want to meet her or ever see her.” My mom hung up and did not talk to them for months afterwards. I had a great-aunt in New York who stepped in and became the voice of reason, she mended bridges and encouraged my mom to allow a relationship built on her and my dads ideals and principles.
I always knew growing up that my grandparents were not happy with me arriving on the scene, being all brown skinned and all. My mom and dad never hid it from me feeling that honesty was better than trying to finish sentences or fill in gaps. My skin sometimes crawled as she would relay the wonderment of her other grandchildren right in front of all of us, but my brother and I were able to talk about it with my parents anytime we needed to.
At my grandpa’s surprise 80th birthday party I was playing hostess and serving appetizers and drinks with my other cousin Amy and my grandpa took my hand suddenly and said “I am sorry.” and I looked at him and said “For what Grandpa?” and he pulled me close to him and looked into my eyes and said “I am sorry for everything.” I looked at him and said “Grandpa I love you and it’s ok, it really is.” And it was, I could have been raised to live in anger and fear and hatred but my mom and dad raised me to love them in spite of what they thought and so I did. And for that I am forever grateful.
L is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her. My prayer will be for your MIL to not realize the same thing too late.
This is tough. My Chinese parents are very much like your MIL when coming to favoring one grandchild over another. They have hurt the feelings of my niece whom they don’t favor big time, even now as an adult. I pretty much cut off their contact with my kids. I saw very clearly years ago when my kids were little that what my parents would say or do with them (because of their favortism) would not be healthy with my kids. Some Chinese grandparents never get it. Lucky if you have a more open-minded, teachable one. On the other hand, we now have our own problem because of the relationship cutoff with my parents. My kids ask us from time to time why they don’t get to see their paternal grandparents while they see their materal ones every so often. The maternal grandparents are open-minded, loving, fair kind of grandparents who make every grandchild feel they are their favorite one. You should know that your MIL is unique if that’s any comfort to you.
Sorry for missing a word in my last sentence. I meant to say
You should know that your MIL is NOT unique if that’s any comfort to you.
OMG. My mother has done the exact same thing. And she LIVES WITH US. It has been a source of just.. UGH. UGH. UGH. Did I have the huevos to kick her out because of it? No, I did not. I know it has been a real source of pain for my younger. But she is resilient and amazing and eventually my mother has come around. But there were some pretty gnarly years in there. Horrible in fact.
So, not only did she say something unforgiveable, but she LIED about it. Nice.
I’m so sorry, and furious. My partner got a certain amount of shunning/disfavor within parts of her family because of her adoptive status and it just makes me livid to think about adults treating children with such scorn and cruelty. I’m so glad you and Mr. A are doing what you can to keep the girls from suffering for this.
This is probably an inappropirate comment and if you wanna delete I won’t be offended–but the fact that MIL is not *completely* sane could work in your favor. It’s a good way to deflect the hurt the kids might feel–”Oh honey, I am so sorry. But you know, she’s kinda crazy. Try not to take it personally.”
It was an eye opener with my paternal grandparents, and deflected a lot of pain in the end.
We have a similar dynamic in our family with our nephew who is adopted and his younger siblings who are not. Both sets of grandparents on our side (step-dad and mom, and dad and step-mom) treat our nephew differently than the “real grandchildren” (Not MY quote, but the grandparents quote). It drives my husband and I completely mental as we don’t understand why the different attitudes as adoption is QUITE common in both sides of the family. My husband and I once hoped to adopt, but that is probably not going to happen now and in some ways, the grandparents helped with that choice. I wouldn’t allow my children around either couple with the way they treat our brother and sister-in-law’s children. I just don’t understand it. Sigh.
What an awful situation. To bring up a point which I’m sure you’ve already considered, she is one of your girls’ closest biological Chinese connections. For your girls, whose minds are still easily impressionable, giving them the impression that their Chinese grandmother is “crazy,” but that their white grandmother is “normal,” might lead them to connect more with white culture. This may happen anyway, but for it to be over something as immature as child favoritism is so unfortunate. As much as cutting off a connection with her might be removing a big part of their Chinese identities, it might actually be beneficial (for their Chinese identities) in the long run. You just need to remember that you are a great mother, and whatever you choose will be the right choice for your children. Thanks for sharing these difficult stories.
I don’t know that this is something I could ever get over. We are struggling a little big with this dynamic w/my MIL but strangely enough it is my adopted child she favors because my adopted child is sweet and easy and my youngest is more spirited. I’ve had to ask my husband to remind his mother to not favor our oldest daughter and I hope as our youngest becomes more aware she gets over it.
OK, yeah. This isn’t funny at all. Damn. That really sucks. But, what I do like is that you and Mr A are always on the same page and that he is willing to stand his ground with her.
Are you absolutely sure your MIL isn’t Italian? Because her attitude sounds a little familiar…
My (Italian) grandfather doesn’t acknowledge relationships (blood or otherwise) with any of my children because I’m his daughter’s daughter, and only the male line counts. My adopted son is no more related to him, in his mind, than the family dog.
My (Italian) mother considers our adopted son less “real” than our biodaughters, because “blood is thicker than water”. Don’t, however, interpret this to mean that she has loving and close relationships with the people she IS related to by blood…
Your MIL wins a few prizes for the funny stories (Sending Chinese food to China!) but this one is just crummy.
I am delurking to say I am having a similar problem with my Chinese-Filipino ILs. The only difference is that all of my daughters are biological.
My first and third daughters happen to look like their father. My middle daughter, also looks like her father, but has my very fair complexion, light brown hair and green eyes. My MIL tries, but my poor baby can’t even get a hello from her grandmother if the other two girls are in the room. She will buy stuff for my oldest and completely forget her sister. It breaks my heart. I have canceled our visit for Christmas, because my 2 year old does not need to experience such fundamental rejection, especially during the holidays.
Ironically, she is my husband’s favorite. He is confused and saddened by his family’s behavior, but hasn’t quite figured out how to address the issue.
We decided not to adopt after experiencing secondary infertility because I knew that my ILs would never accept an adopted child. I never imagined they would reject a biological grandchild just because she looks white.