Comments on: What She Did

By: Daniella

Daniella — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:56:52 +0000

I am delurking to say I am having a similar problem with my Chinese-Filipino ILs. The only difference is that all of my daughters are biological.

My first and third daughters happen to look like their father. My middle daughter, also looks like her father, but has my very fair complexion, light brown hair and green eyes. My MIL tries, but my poor baby can’t even get a hello from her grandmother if the other two girls are in the room. She will buy stuff for my oldest and completely forget her sister. It breaks my heart. I have canceled our visit for Christmas, because my 2 year old does not need to experience such fundamental rejection, especially during the holidays.

Ironically, she is my husband’s favorite. He is confused and saddened by his family’s behavior, but hasn’t quite figured out how to address the issue.

We decided not to adopt after experiencing secondary infertility because I knew that my ILs would never accept an adopted child. I never imagined they would reject a biological grandchild just because she looks white.

By: Mia

Mia — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:19:48 +0000

Are you absolutely sure your MIL isn’t Italian? Because her attitude sounds a little familiar…

My (Italian) grandfather doesn’t acknowledge relationships (blood or otherwise) with any of my children because I’m his daughter’s daughter, and only the male line counts. My adopted son is no more related to him, in his mind, than the family dog.

My (Italian) mother considers our adopted son less “real” than our biodaughters, because “blood is thicker than water”. Don’t, however, interpret this to mean that she has loving and close relationships with the people she IS related to by blood…

Your MIL wins a few prizes for the funny stories (Sending Chinese food to China!) but this one is just crummy.

By: june

june — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:52:38 +0000

OK, yeah. This isn’t funny at all. Damn. That really sucks. But, what I do like is that you and Mr A are always on the same page and that he is willing to stand his ground with her.

By: Michelle Smiles

Michelle Smiles — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:05:42 +0000

I don’t know that this is something I could ever get over. We are struggling a little big with this dynamic w/my MIL but strangely enough it is my adopted child she favors because my adopted child is sweet and easy and my youngest is more spirited. I’ve had to ask my husband to remind his mother to not favor our oldest daughter and I hope as our youngest becomes more aware she gets over it.

By: Mary

Mary — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:22:33 +0000

What an awful situation. To bring up a point which I’m sure you’ve already considered, she is one of your girls’ closest biological Chinese connections. For your girls, whose minds are still easily impressionable, giving them the impression that their Chinese grandmother is “crazy,” but that their white grandmother is “normal,” might lead them to connect more with white culture. This may happen anyway, but for it to be over something as immature as child favoritism is so unfortunate. As much as cutting off a connection with her might be removing a big part of their Chinese identities, it might actually be beneficial (for their Chinese identities) in the long run. You just need to remember that you are a great mother, and whatever you choose will be the right choice for your children. Thanks for sharing these difficult stories.