I keep waiting for the MIL story to get funny, but it just isn’t. In all the time I have known her, I have tried to view our interactions through the lens of funny because otherwise I would be a seething ball of MIL-directed anger. Actually, a seething ball of MIL-directed anger is exactly how I feel right now.
So here it is:
A few weeks ago, MIL called out of the blue one day while Mr. A was at work. There has been a bit of a crisis going on with Mr. A’s younger sister who is mentally ill, so when I answered the phone I was expecting a conversation relating to that particular mess.
After our initial pleasantries, this is the conversation we had:
MIL: Uh, I need M’s social security number.
Me: Why?
MIL: Well, I have a retirement account and I want to list M as a beneficiary of 50% of it in case something happens to me.
At this point in the conversation, I pause because this makes no sense. Any money MIL has should be directed toward a special needs trust for Mr. A’s younger sister. In that brief moment, I hadn’t gotten any farther with my thoughts than thinking about SIL. It would appear that the pause is what led us to MIL opening her mouth and saying something that I will probably hear in my head every time I look at her or talk to her for the foreseeable future.
MIL: It isn’t that I don’t love L, you know, because I like her. She is a very nice little girl. It is just that I feel like M is special. She shares her love with me, so I want to give my money to her.
The thing about MIL is this: as soon as she says something like “it isn’t that I don’t love L” you know that is EXACTLY how she feels. As soon as I process what she has said, all I can see is red.
Me: MIL, I think you are going to have to discuss this with Mr. A.
Then I hung up.
The thing is, we have told MIL over and over that we absolutely will not allow her to treat M and L differently. To be more specific, that she is not allowed to favor M. That kind of behavior is unhealthy for BOTH girls and will will not allow it. We have discussed this many times, so it isn’t news to MIL.
The thing is, MIL has made no real effort to get to know L. We are partially to blame because we used to make much more of an effort to see her when M was little, but now with two kids, driving several hours there and back in one day is very difficult. All of MIL’s four grandchildren live here, so it makes the most sense for her to come see us. Also, I haven’t been willing to drive up to see her because I have been trying to avoid this very dynamic.
As soon as I hung up with MIL, I called Mr. A at work and left messages on his cell and work voice mail telling him to call me because I was so mad at his mom.
Once he heard the story, he called her. By that time, her story had changed:
“I want to give the money to M because she is the OLDEST.” she told Mr. A. “That is how Chinese people do it.”
I believe MIL figured out how pissed I was by what she said by the time Mr. A called, so she changed her story. (And maybe she thought maybe I wouldn’t have told Mr. A what she said to me??? W.T.F.??)
Mr. A told her in no uncertain terms that favoring one kid, whether because they are the favorite or because they are the oldest (or the most likely scenario which is because one is biologically realated to her), is not acceptable to us.
I know we can’t force her to love both girls the same. I know she may not love L, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why she must dislike L so much that she wants her final act to be the kick in the gut of making sure we all know that she loves M the most.
While I can’t control how she feels about the girls, I can control how much access she has to them. Right now, I am mad enough that I don’t want to allow her to see them any time soon. I told Mr. A that I don’t think I am going to be over this feeling by Christmas.
I don’t know when or if I will ever not feel this angry with her.