We have an acquaintance in China who is helping us look for L’s family. When this person agreed to help us, Mr. A and I joked that eventually we would have to help their kid find a way to go to college in the US to reciprocate.
Ha ha ha. We crack ourselves up.
Guess what I got an email about this morning? My friend wants to know if we can do some research and help them figure out how to send their child to the US as an exchange student.
As someone who has read a lot about Chinese culture (and experienced it a little), in theory I understand the importance of guanxi. I understand it in theory. In practice, I am completely unclear about what is being asked of us in this situation.
Do they really just want us to do the research, or is there more? Do they want us to offer to host their kid? Do we have some kind of financial obligation to help make this happen? Is this a test of our relationship or is it just a simple friendly request for information?
I don’t know if it is because I am an American or if it is just a quirk of my personality (because I grew up with a mom who had social anxiety issues), but it makes me very uncomfortable to feel like I owe someone a favor. I like to reciprocate as soon as possible so I am on equal footing. I don’t like the niggling thought that someone is thinking “That AmFam, she is always taking advantage of my hospitality/time/whatever.” I don’t like to impose on people, but in generally I don’t feel like other people are imposing if they ask me to do something for them. (I know, I know, it is a weird place inside my head.)
This situation plays right into that anxiety. I don’t know what is expected. What is a fair exchange for the help they are providing? I wonder if my friend might have useful information and is waiting to see how helpful I will be to them before they share it with me? What if I can’t find a way for the kid to be an exchange student, what happens then?
Who the heck knows???
I understand that cultivating good guanxi is what is going to get us the information we want (we hope), but if it were up to me, I would just offer this person some cash in exchange for the research they are doing and be done with it.
This money vs. guanxi thing is constantly coming up with our various Chinese tutors too. I always want to pay them for translating or helping us do whatever little things we need. They are always trying to say “No, no, I am happy to help you! Money isn’t necessary.” What does that mean? I am trying to tell them I value their time and effort. I don’t know what they are trying to tell me. Are they arguing because that is what you do when someone tries to give you money (like arguing about the check in a restaurant?) or do they really not want the money? I usually make them take it anyway, because I am pushy like that.
I know this is just the beginning. This is exactly the kind of thing we are going to have to figure out over and over if we find L’s family. What is normal and polite for us might be weird, rude or incomprehensible to them.
In truth, even if this person wasn’t helping us, I wouldn’t mind doing some research and sending them what I find. I just don’t know if that is what they are really asking me to do. I have asked the friend who passed along the message for advice. She lives here, so hopefully she will understand my cultural cluelessness.
Ugh. I find it hard enough to figure these things out with western Europeans, let alone Asians. I know I have put my foot in it a number of times in interactions with Asian friends/acquaintances/colleagues. I just hope they understand I meant well.
With L’s family research on the hook, that really raises your anxiety, too, I don’t doubt. And I share your need to be on equal footing. So, ouch, I feel for you!
well, i’m south asian, specifically, not just asian but it’s… a parallel world, if you know what i mean. i’m guessing they really don’t want the money, necessarily, but they kind of want a token of appreciation type thing just for their effort to be recognized. b/c getting paid in money makes it seem more impersonal or like a business transaction instead of a genuine favor for someone they like. maybe give them a small gift for their effort? when i was growing up, i never got paid for babysitting or pet sitting, and i don’t think most indian kids do. it was all under the category of ‘favors.’ but i would get a small gift for what i did… a purse, a nice nail polish set, we gave a kid a video game once for several days of pet sitting, etc. basically we’d figure out what we’d pay and then get something worth that amount of money. we’ve also given a bottle of wine to adults for those types of small favors, had them over for dinner, etc.
I TOTALLY know how you feel. You know our circumstances and there are three major players that I still wonder/worry/stress about. Did I do enough? How much more do I do? How long does the obligation go? Geez.
Wow, that’s kind of a tough dilemma. They might indeed expect you to host them, but perhaps you could send them some info about exchange programs and see what they say?
With the money for tutors, there is an Asian no-that-means-yes. So you should probably go back and forth a little bit.
Even though I grew up with Asian parents, I never really know too. In this case, especially since it’s only an acquaintance, I’d just take her request at face value and do a quick search on exchange programs and just send her a bunch of links, and maybe offer to help with proofreading the application or something, but I would NOT offer my home – I don’t really think it’s necessary. In general, it’s like dealing with most people…. they will take advantage of you if you let them. That could be my cynicism talking though.
With regards to the tutors not taking money from you, yeah Chinese politeness dictates that they not take money from you, but if you didn’t force them to take the money, they’d probably expect SOMEthing in return, be it treating them to a meal, or a gift at Christmas or Chinese New Year.
Research repaid with research seems like a fair exchange. Expecting you to host? Whoa. That would be way too much. And I know that you’re trying to be culturally sensitive, but the person on the other side should be striving for the same thing.
I like Kendra’s point – knowing that your norms aren’t necc. the appropriate ones is a good thing to make you more sensitive, but you’re not the only one who can take this into account!
In this case, it definitely sounds like small steps are the way to go – research and and offer of proofreading, but no ‘stay with us!’ offers.
That said, I share your child-of-anxious-mother thing, and am often unnerved when I feel like the ‘favor balance’ is in danger of being out of whack. I feel for you on having to navigate this with such high stakes!
I can’t help on the cultural end, but when I did a year abroad as a high-schooler, I went through ASSE, and most of the other kids in our group went through AYA. Both of them have China programs: http://www.chinaasse.com/ and http://www.academicyear.org/incoming_students/apply_asia.asp
Do they specifically mean as an exchange student? A few au pair agencies now have programs for Chinese au pairs to come to the US, get paid a little while living with a family and doing child care for a year. They are supposed to take a couple of courses too. A typical age is 19 plus.
My Chinese friends tell me that it is polite to say “no” to anything that is offered to you and that they will say “no” at least 3 times. If you really want to give them something you will insist. At least that is what they tell me. On the other hand my taiqi teacher does not accept any money from any of us for the group lesson nor from me for the private lessons. As a group we gave her money for the holidays. I also gave her driving lessons for free, including gasoline. I also have taken her out to eat. I hope it works out to be a fair exchange but sometimes it is hard to know. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Here is the Chinese website for the au pair agency I work with, maybe this would be a good fit for her: http://www.culturalcare.cn/. Chinese au pairs are very much in demand these days, good luck!
Do you know “Ask Jane in China”? This sounds like something she or her staff could help you figure it out.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/askjaneinchina/
As someone who is half Chinese and professional career is China-related (I am a professor of something in the China field), I have found myself owing the other party a lot more than I expected in the guanxi exchange. You’ve probably also realized that certain aspects of Chinese behavior can be passive-aggressive. Not knowing anything about your particular contacts in China, I would suspect that at a *minimum* they hope you will help them with research, but there is the likelihood that they are expecting more as well–not necessarily for you to host or offer money, but they may assume you have “pull” with certain programs or that you can help with the application process, etc. I don’t think they are holding out on you regarding information on L’s first family. I think that they expect you will take the initiative to handle bureaucratic matters for them on the American end of things, and even if their child is living with a different host family, they probably expect you to invite your child to their home on holidays, etc. I highly doubt they expect you to pay to send their kid to America, but they may hope that you can act as godparent-like figures when their child is here, watching out for them, etc. I know friends who’ve had very similar guanxi situations, but on their end there was less at stake–their Chinese contacts weren’t offering to help them out, they were offering them money instead, so they turned it down.
Good luck!
Zoe
What if you ask where their student is hoping/planning to attend college (in the guise of finding specific information about that school, which is a good idea anyway)? If it’s near you, they may be expecting you to host. If not, maybe they really are just looking for information.
In most guanxi cases it’s always an equal-to-equal exchange.
In this situation, it’s definitely a research-for-research type deal. I think the issue is that a lot of the resources are in English and that’s why they’re asking for your help.
As for hosting their kid, money, etc., if you were to offer that, then all of a sudden they will feel pressure to reciprocate and in fact might be embarrassed since they are unable to show their appreciation.
The main thing in most relationships (Chinese or otherwise) is to be as helpful as you want to be.
No one really expects you go go above and beyond, but if you do, then they will do the same for you.
(I hope I don’t sound like I’m lecturing here, but take a look at Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of High Effective People. In it he mentions the idea of the Emotional Bank Account and how our relationships with people is influenced by the credits/deposits we make to this “Account.”
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