We have an acquaintance in China who is helping us look for L’s family.  When this person agreed to help us, Mr. A and I joked that eventually we would have to help their kid find a way to go to college in the US to reciprocate.

Ha ha ha.  We crack ourselves up.

Guess what I got an email about this morning? My friend wants to know if we can do some research and help them figure out how to send their child to the US as an exchange student.

As someone who has read a lot about Chinese culture (and experienced it a little), in theory I understand the importance of guanxi. I understand it in theory. In practice, I am completely unclear about what is being asked of us in this situation.

Do they really just want us to do the research, or is there more?  Do they want us to offer to host their kid?  Do we have some kind of financial obligation to help make this happen?  Is this a test of our relationship or is it just a simple friendly request for information?

I don’t know if it is because I am an American or if it is just  a quirk of my personality (because I grew up with a mom who had social anxiety issues), but it makes me very uncomfortable to feel like I owe someone a favor.  I like to reciprocate as soon as possible so I am on equal footing.  I don’t like the niggling thought that someone is thinking “That AmFam, she is always taking advantage of my hospitality/time/whatever.”   I don’t like to impose on people, but in generally I don’t feel like other people are imposing if they ask me to do something for them. (I know, I know, it is a weird place inside my head.)

This situation plays right into that anxiety.  I don’t know what is expected.  What is a fair exchange for the help they are providing?  I wonder if my friend might have useful information and is waiting to see how helpful I will be to them before they share it with me? What if I can’t find a way for the kid to be an exchange student, what happens then?

Who the heck knows???

I understand that cultivating good guanxi is what is going to get us the information we want (we hope), but if it were up to me, I would just offer this person some cash in exchange for the research they are doing and be done with it.

This  money vs. guanxi thing is constantly coming up with our various Chinese tutors too.  I always want to pay them for translating or helping us do whatever little things we need.  They are always trying to say “No, no, I am happy to help you!  Money isn’t necessary.”  What does that mean?  I am trying to tell them I value their time and effort.  I don’t know what they are trying to tell me.  Are they arguing because that is what you do when someone tries to give you money (like arguing about the check in a restaurant?) or do they really not want the money?  I usually make them take it anyway, because I am pushy like that.

I know this is just the beginning.  This is exactly the kind of thing we are going to have to figure out over and over if we find L’s family.  What is normal and polite for us might be weird, rude or incomprehensible to them.

In truth, even if this person wasn’t helping us, I wouldn’t mind doing some research and sending them what I find.  I just don’t know if that is what they are really asking me to do.  I have asked the friend who passed along the message for advice.  She lives here, so hopefully she will understand my cultural cluelessness.