I am finally at a point in my life where I am starting to accept myself. I am giving up on the possibility that I am going to become greatly improved at some point in the future. I am who I am, even if that person is irritating sometimes.
While we were moving, I had the opportunity to reflect on one particularly annoying trait of mine: the inability to accept help when it is offered.
I reflected on this on the day I borrowed my dad’s truck and schlepped six truckload of boxes from the old house to the new house all by myself and also on the two long days I spent painting the girls’ bedrooms.
I had no less than FOUR offers of help. I did not accept any.
What the effity eff? I could smack myself. That was a lot of really hard work which would have gone much faster with a second (or third or fourth) pair of hands.
(And let’s note here these were completely unsolicited offers of help. God forbid I should actually ASK someone to help me out with something. I think the world would stop spinning.)
While my mom and I are very different, I think her over-concern about not imposing on other people has rubbed off on me. I think a solid half of her parenting revolved around making sure I did not impose on other people’s time or space and that I tried my best not to inconvenience anyone else (no matter how much those efforts might inconvenience me).
It makes no sense, because I like to help other people. I would happily carry boxes or paint. I wouldn’t feel put out by being asked to do those things. I would most likely feel pretty good about being a good friend.
My mom is a specific kind of very standoffish Midwesterner. She neither needs nor wants many friends. Her strategy of not ever being noticed/not imposing/not creating debts works for her, I guess. She has spent her life creating barriers to closeness and not putting herself in situations where she might cause the slightest inconvenience to someone else.
I, on the other hand, like to have a group of people I feel close to. I understand that there needs to be reciprocity in relationships. I don’t consciously believe that helping someone out creates an uncomfortable obligation (at least not when I am the one doing the helping).
(I could write an entire essay on the issues she gave me around making phone calls, because I always feel like I am intruding so I would rather not call anyone at all. And don’t even get me started on my discomfort with hugging friends. I could go on all day.)
It is totally dumb that I let her weird hang ups about not imposing on people seep into my psyche. It is also totally dumb that I carried all those boxes and painted for hour upon hour alone. It was boring and stupid.
I don’t know if I can change my unwillingness to accept help at this point, but at the very least I can call a spade a spade. That is a weird, counter-productive personality trait.
I love to hug you. Yes, get help painting.
I know whereof you speak. My version includes being afraid to ask people person questions about their lives for fear of somehow being nosy or intrusive. Weird, I know. I’m afraid I come off looking self centered when really I’m too shy and well-mannered. Hah. Maybe this is why I like reading blogs – you all tell us all about your lives without being asked. I also have the version where I’m afraid something will not be done *right* if I let other people help. I’m getting better at letting that go, but it’s an effort. Yay us for learning life lessons! Awareness is half the battle.
babe. I would have helped you and I love to hug you. lol.
oh good, i’m glad you finally saw the light on this because i was thinking about it a lot while you were moving and NEVER REPLIED to my offer to help you (thinking that i really wish you would let people help you).
it’s a shame, too, b/c i kick ass at helping people, too. 
i kind of have a feeling that we (the pub night crew) will keep hugging you especially because it makes you uncomfortable and it’s just so much fun.
when i move? you are helping me every.single.day.
Amber, I feel you. I could write a slight variation of this about my own Mom and my resulting fears. Her case is very similar, but even more odd – she fears imposing, and would never ask, but is VERY resentful if people don’t offer. The best of BOTH world (snerk).
I am like you – I LOVE helping people and have fought hard to be able to accept help. For me, the moment the inital urge to refuse help comes up, I force myself to pause and consider. It’s become easier over time, and boy – has it ever come in handy. The previous commenters are so right – awareness is (even more than) half the battle.
I’m glad that you are writing again! We missed you!
I was exactly the same way until we adopted the twins. Everything changed and I had to accept help because I wouldn’t have survived. We were given some of the grossest food ever but we accepted it cause it made people feel good and did feed us some nights.
We don’t accept too much help now but if offered we definitely think about it more than just refusing outright.
You can work on changing it a little, baby steps.
It’s not just Midwestern, it’s also British-affiliated. My dad is like that. Don’t inconvenience others! Keep your voice down! Don’t call at the dinner hour! YOU’RE BOTHERING THOSE PEOPLE OMG. I had the worst time asking for help when I had newborns. I’m getting a little better now, but I still apologize for it.
Ugh, I could have written this post myself. I worry a great deal that I am passing this on to my boys in the examples I provide for them, showing them that their needs are not worth standing up for…and I worry that my not wanting to impose/bother people results in them not getting their needs met as well as they could be. It makes me sad and I worry about it a lot.
I feel the same way about calling people. That’s why I love e-mail so much… I can get the message out without having to BOTHER anybody.
With some variation, lots of this is familiar. I finally did break down and start accepting help after adopting two toddlers. But, I quickly stopped when I couldn’t find ways to reciprocate. Now, I volunteered to babysit (last minute-their sitter canceled) for a neighborhood family I barely know last week. They were very grateful and asked me to let them know when they can reciprocate. But I hired a babysitter for next week because I think it’s too much imposition to ask for a week night. And I’m afraid they are too grateful to say no even if it is inconvenient.
And yes, I worry about seeming self centered when I answer questions about myself and don’t reciprocate the questions.
And I clearly need to blog. ~lmc
Oh I so totally get this. I HATE to impose (whether by calling or asking a favor or inviting someone who feels they can’t say no) yet spend my life helping others (social worker/therapist). Hello? Irony?
I’m all those things and I’ve never been able to put my finger on why. I never ask for anything, ever. I’m terrified of imposing on friends so I keep everyone at a huge distance. Even the hugging issue is spot on. Looking at it from an outside perspective has really shed some lights for me, not imposing on ANYONE was hugely how I was parented, I’ve just never put them together before. Thank you for sharing this, I’ve struggled with thinking this was just who I am, but my mothering have bleed into other aspects of my life that I’d like to work on.
Wow, I’m the same way and learned it from my Midwestern mother. Wow.
I HATE, HATE, HATE to just call people. I will often times email or text so that a person can get the message at their convenience. Never ask anyone for help …. basically all the same things.
This post is the proverbial light bulb turning on.
We are identifying and naming some really important issues universal to women…(I live in the south) Every woman needs to lighten up on allowing friends to help….it takes a village!! Somehow we view our asking for help as a weakness….in fact, our refusal to reach out and ask friends/loved ones for help leads to unnecessary frustration (moving and loading boxes by ourselves, I’ve also done this) when a simple, “I need your help” would do! Same phenomenon with a spouse…nice chatting with y’all–I’m not going to be so reluctant to ask for help next time!:):)
not only did you get four offers, i’m pretty sure i offered AT LEAST four times myself! i’ll know next time to just show up.
also, i witnessed you initiate a hug last week! see, you can become a better person!
I am the exact same way…I always thought this was an Asian thing! I’ve totally done that moving tons of heavy boxes by myself, too! When I was single and moved into my first house, I bought 7 of those tall Ikea shelves and it didn’t occur to me until I was tired and sore while building the last one that I should have asked someone to come over and help me. Hugging took practice as well. Then I married a South American man and now have minor anxiety attacks every time we meet up with his family and friends and I am expected to kiss people on the cheek.
Exactly like me. I have such wonderful friends, especially from my church. I know they want to help me with my very young children, with errands, etc, etc. My problem? I feel a little pathetic about it. Like, can’t I even handle my own life, I did choose to have these children, didn’t I? And, why should I take someone away from what they probably need to be doing to help me? My friends are at least 5-10 years older than me as circumstances would have it and I know there is pretty much nothing I can do for them to reciprocate because they are waaaay beyond me in life (that’s not age bashing), I mean maturity, child-rearing, etc. I can learn a lot from them and accept their help, but that’s about it. Finally, a small group of 3 friends approached me and said, we can see you’re overwhelmed. We are helping you and you don’t have a choice. You do such nice things for others, cooking meals for the shut ins, praying for us when our husbands were out of work, and just listening. What if I can’t pay it back? Then pay it forward. What a breakthrough. Yes, I can accept help now because I am worthy of it, I have a good heart, good intentions and I WILL pay it forward.