March « 2010 « American Family

The next time around.

Conversation at our house this morning after I uncharacteristically woke up in time to make everyone breakfast:

Me to Mr. A: Man, it the morning routine works a lot better when I get out of bed when the kids do. The next time you are searching for a wife, you should screen better for Morning Person-ness.

Mr. A: And TIDINESS!

Me: Yes. Your life would be a lot easier if you had a tidy, morning-person wife. Take that under advisement the next time around.

Mr. A: At least this time I did a good job screening for AWESOMENESS.

Me: So true, so true.

Today, I had a meeting at L’s school to talk about the results of some developmental evaluations. While the outcome of the meeting was interesting, I ended up annoyed by not one, but two stupid comments.

L’s teacher means well. She tells me all the time that L is such a sweet little girl. L is sweet and easygoing and the teacher likes her a lot. Unfortunately, on two separate occasions the teacher has said “L is SO cute and sweet! I guess you’ll have to keep her!” Both times, she said this in front of L.

Is it really rocket science to think that it might not be a good idea to imply to a kid who has already lost one set of parents that we might not keep her if she is not sweet and cute? I let it slide the first time, but now I am going to have to write a note to the teacher because I was so surprised I failed to correct her during the meeting. I hate confrontations like that, but it has to be done.

At the very same meeting, I was the unhappy recipient of an even dumber comment. I was telling the OT that L will never recline while watching TV, nor will she allow herself to be positioned in a way that makes her head sideways or leaning while she has to look at something. If you as me and my Google-educated opinion, this probably indicates a vestibular and vision issue.

The OT did not seem at all concerned about L’s refusal (since babyhood) to lay down on her side or recline. Instead, she told me this could be a “good thing” because she “has noticed that Asian kids tend to have very high levels of muscle tone. It could just be that she likes to have good posture.” Then she wondered if anyone had ever done studies on Asians and their high tone issues.

That was the moment when the OT lost all credibility with me.

Seriously, L does have decent muscle definition, but anyone can see that asking her to do these things cause discomfort. She isn’t trying to sit up straight on a bean bag chair because it feels comfortable. She is doing it because it is less uncomfortable than leaning is for her.

Asian muscle tone, my ass.

Open Adoption Blogger Interview

Lovely Heather at Production Not Reproduction organized an Open Adopting Blog Interview Swap. While I don’t necessarily consider myself an open adoption blogger (because we don’t have an open adoption), I am very open to openness so I signed up.

I am so grateful that I did. I was paired with Adoption of Jane who has four beautiful children and still manages to find time to blog. She was born in Uganda and adopted by her white American parents while they were serving in the Peace Corps there. Throughout her childhood, Jane always had contact with her Ugandan family. She has a sister who also recently located her birth family too. When I read Jane’s 5 Tips for Raising a Child of Another Race, I knew she was someone I wanted to get to know better. I also love the fact that she is an adult international adoptee who had a successful open adoption. I can only hope that our family can follow Jane’s family’s’ footsteps.

Here are the questions I asked Jane. She posted the interview questions she sent to me too (Here they are). The list of other interview couples is right here.

Many thanks to Jane for taking the time to answer my questions! I hope you will enjoy her answers as much as I did.

1) I read on your blog that you have contact with your birth family in Uganda. Can you describe that contact and how it influenced your feelings as a child? Also, would you mind sharing a little about the transition from having contact managed by your adoptive parents to managing it yourself?

As a child I was raised knowing about my bio-family through pictures and Airmail letters. To this day anytime I see an Airmail envelope it brings back flashbacks of Mum and me going through pictures of home. I don’t feel it greatly influenced my feelings as a child. It was more of a normal part of my childhood. Such as Birthday Cards from Aunties, Invitations to events, and any other mail contact a child usually has.

As a young child, and even today the word Transition or actually Transitioning doesn’t really pertain to my family. We’ve always included the next step into the path we are already on. I think this stems from the era our family merged (the 70′s), and the absolutely awesome parents I was blessed with. I even cringe when I have to use terms Bio/Adoptive to distinguish, when in reality both are the same to me, just different circumstances. In answer to the question, in my eyes they have never managed anything we as a family (my adoptive sis too) were included in everything. A letter would come from home, my sis and i would open it.. grab the pictures and my parents would read it while we went through the pictures. Sometimes the letter would describe the problems back home with the government, etc. my folks would read it out loud and then describe to us what it meant. As I got older, I’d write home myself and share the letters and pictures with my family as they still did with me. My family in Uganda still maintained contact with my family here regardless of my age. When my sisters and brothers were older they’d write everyone as well. When I first met my little sister at LAX (Los Angeles Airport) and my cousin, my daughter drove, we immediately went to my parents house to spend the night so they could met them. The next day we had a family party with my extended US family as a meet greet and welcome to our family. My Sister and Cousin now contact and maintain relationships with their new extended relatives!

2) Can you share some of the positives and negatives of birth family contact / openness that you have experienced as an adoptee?

Thanks to the Wonderful job my parents did I haven’t experienced negatives. Well, during my little sister’s visit she made me stop photographing her after a few hundred pics, and so I was mad at her for like 5 minutes… does that count?

The positive is I have a huge family and they are ALL so unique and warm-hearted, what more can a girl ask for?

3) Your sister Becky also recently located her birth family. Now that you both have birth family contact, do you feel it has changed your relationship with each other or your adoptive family? If so, how?

It may sound confusing but Becky nor I located our own Birth Family. We both together expanded our existing family and consider my Siblings and family back home hers as well. I also consider her newfound family and her newfound Mum mine as well. So in actuality I have 3 mums. I just emailed Cathy (Becky’s Bio Mum) last week, and Becky is in touch on her own with *our* my Ugandan Siblings.

It has not changed anything in my adopted parents and my relationship. My siblings are considered their kids too.

I don’t think merging families has changed our relationship. I think age has. Our age gap and competiveness created a crazy sibling rivalry when we younger. Ecspecially in the 80′s during her Tween and my Teen years. I am absolutely positive it was 50% sibling rivalry and 50% puberty. It was not due to our adoptiveness or race (she’s Jewish, Panamanian, and Jamaican). The reason I am so sure is because our fighting never brought up Adoption, Yo Mamma, your an orphan issues. Even in the worst of fights… and they got bad in our teen years. We always fought as Siblings not Enemies. At some point we grew up.

4) In your Tips for Raising A Child of Another Race post, you suggest that adoptive parents make an effort to take their child to visit his/her country. Did you get to visit Uganda as you were growing up? How do you think those visits (or lack of visits) impacted your understanding of your birth culture and/or your relationship with your birth family?

It was due to politics and the fear for my safety. Idi Amin was ruling during my childhood. I do think however during my teenager years would have been a good time to go. As wonderful as my parents are they are not perfect. This is the one area I think they dropped the ball on. I had gotten a little out-of-control and the timing would have been life changing. My emo-teen stage was due to my era as a teen (80”s) as well. I do not blame my different stages in life on Adoption. That is a cop out. Ecspecialy when my non-adoptive friends were going through the same things. I was glad I wasn’t treated like glass.. an adopted kid who we don’t want to hold responsible for their actions because they are adopted.

The lack of visits did not effect me Culturally or Relationship wise with my family in Uganda. I think my siblings like teaching me phrases, and things from home. One night my lil sis and I stayed up all night talking about customs and what to do and not to do when I visit. With her being the youngest out of the 10 of us I think she quite enjoyed teaching this old dog some new tricks. Besides I made her laugh. Ecspecially when I said when we go to the village she is walking with me at night to the outhouse and holding my hand until I finish, regardless of what gets dropped!

5) There is some controversy over the idea of adoptive parents searching for their child’s birth family while the child is still too young to make the decision to search. Some people think it should be up to the adoptee to make the choice to search, while others believe it is in the child’s best interest to grow up with as much information as possible (including birth parent contact). I know there are a lot of variables that need to be considered for each individual family/adopted, but given your personal experiences, what do you think?

I think its pertinent to begin the search as soon as possible. I also think for people whom are in the process of adopting to acquire as much info as possible so that they are in a better position when they do search. I think the child should grow up with as much information as possible. I knew all about Idi Amin and his torture of our people at a very early age. My parents described it to me in a way that I would understand. Also, if you are having problems acquiring information, begin telling the child of the issues in their country. So that if a location isn’t found for their parents, they have other scenarios as to the possible reason. I think the best time to start informing them about serious issues regarding their country is when they start doing and understanding History projects at school. It opens the door for conversation.

I am very against not informing your child they are adopted. Very against it. I think the best thing you can do as parents is figure out age appropriate information. Search for kids books to talk about adoption. I had kids books coming out of my ears about color, race, adoption, sibling adoption, etc. I use to love these books.. i’d carry them around and read them every night. Post a map of their country in your home. These are subliminal messages you can start immediately.

Parents are blessed now with the Internet. My parents had to wing it. I grew up reading the LA Times with my dad. He is a big newspaper reader. My main relationship with him has revolved around reading. If you want to talk to pops during breakfast, grab a paper and start discussing. He is a very Educated and Informative man and to this day I call him and discuss World Events. My best childhood memory is was going Saturdays to used bookstores. Our favorite was Acres of Books. I cried as an Adult for days when Acres of Books closed.

Mean(ish) Girls and the Census

We had our first run-in with nascent mean-girl behavior this week. When I asked M about who she has been playing with at recess, she reported the following:

“I used to play with Farah, but now I am only playing with Laura. Farah and her big brother Chuck were mean to Laura’s older sister. Laura’s mom told her if Laura OR any of Laura’s friends play with Farah, Laura will be grounded. I don’t want to get Laura in trouble, so I am not playing with Farah any more.”

I spent a while trying to convince M that Laura would not get grounded if she (M) played with Laura, but she wouldn’t believe me. She was really worried about getting her friend in trouble. I was concerned because Farah was (as far as I know) one of M’s best friends in her class at school. Also, this is so clearly a lie concocted by some kid because it doesn’t make any sense at all.

After a quick consultation with another mom of older kids, I decided to call Laura’s mom (who I have met briefly in the past, but who I do not know well at all). I was pretty nervous because you never know how someone might react to getting a phone call about their kids.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Hi! This is M’s mom. I am calling to see if you can help me put M’s mind at ease. …blah blah explained what M said blah blah…She is really worried that Laura will get grounded if M plays with Farah, so I told her I would call you and make sure Laura wouldn’t get grounded if M played with Farah.

Laura’s Mom: “Wait a minute, I don’t even know Farah or her brother?? So M said that Laura said she would get groudned if *M* played with them?”

Me: ” Yup! I tried to tell her she was being silly, but she wants to be a good friend to Laura and doesn’t want to get her in trouble, so I told her I would call you to make sure it would be ok.”

Laura’s Mom “Hmm. Well, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING. Not every parent would call, but this is exactly the kind of thing we want to know! If our kids are being unkind to other kids or excluding , I want to know so I can nip that in the bud! I will talk to Laura tomorrow and make sure she clears things up with M.”

That was when I wanted to reach through the phone and kiss Laura’s mom. I only hope I will be so gracious when someone tells me something unflattering about my kids.

The next day at school, Laura went up to M and said “Sorry about Chuck’s sister.” As far as M was concerned thing were completely resolved.

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In other news, I filled out the census forms for our family this week. It was interesting.

For Mr. A, we selected Other Asian because we had seen this Write in Taiwanese video. I am guessing it is an attempt to separate Taiwan and China politically? I don’t know, but we saw the video, so Mr. A said to write in Taiwanese. I did.

(I also wondered why Taiwanese wouldn’t be considered Pacific Islander, since they are from an island in the Pacific. Mr. A was not amused by that line of thinking and refused to consider Pacific Islander as an option too.)

For me, obviously, I checked whatever the whitebread option was. I don’t remember if it was Caucasian or European.

I asked Mr. A what he thought we should do for M. Other Asian write in Taiwanese or Other and write in Mixed Race and Taiwanese/ European. Mr. A wanted her to be only Other Asian Taiwanese. Apparently, Mr. A is a subscriber of the One Drop Rule. I didn’t have a strong feeling either way, so I wrote in Other Asian Taiwanese for her. I was surprised there wasn’t a mixed race box with the option of checking off specific races.

Then came L. Mr. A tried to convince me that she should also be Other Asian Taiwanese, but I vetoed him. I just checked Asian and Chinese. Mr. A wanted to call her Taiwanese because he is Taiwanese, but that didn’t make any sense at all. With that logic, I could just call her European, which would be ridiculous.

It doesn’t seem like the results are going to be that accurate if there isn’t a standardized way of filling out the answers for mixed race families.
P.S. Well crap. I just googled it and it looks like I could have selected ONE OR MORE categories for race. I wonder if we already put the envelope in the mail?

Looking in the Mirror

In the last month or two, L seems to be growing up by leaps and bounds. Like most parents, I can’t believe how quickly time has passed. She was adopted a tad over three years ago and she will turn four years old very soon.

Lately, L has started to notice differences in people around her. We had lunch with a friend of mine from South Africa and afterward L said “Why is she blacker?”

Being an old pro at these kinds of conversations after running the gauntlet with M, it was easy enough to answer her question. I explained that people are born with different colors of skin, just like they have different colors of hair. I explained that my friend and her ancestors are from Africa where people have darker skin than some other places. I mentioned that people from Africa have darker skin just like people from China usually have very dark hair. L isn’t nearly as verbal as M was at this age, so I didn’t know how much she absorbed from that conversation.

A few days later, I found L standing in front of a mirror looking intently at her reflection. “Am I a little bit blacker?” she asked.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“I don’t know. My hair is blacker. What color is this?” She asked, pointing at her arm.

“I think it is a little bit brown? What color do you think it is?” I asked.

“Yep. It’s a little bit brown.” she agreed.

“You know, Daddy’s skin is a lot like yours. He also has black hair like you.” I said (once again eternally grateful to have an Asian adult in this house to lean on), “That is because Daddy’s ancestors are Chinese, just like you.”

“Yeah,” she said, “Black hair is why we like noodles.”

Somehow, I think we still have more work to do.

The next time around.

Stupid Things People Said

Open Adoption Blogger Interview

Mean(ish) Girls and the Census

Looking in the Mirror

Brilliant Blogs

Friends and Neighbors

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