Ok, in the spirit of Mother’s Day, I am going to confess to a bit of parenting crazy.
Before I go on, let me say that M is a relatively athletic kid. She is fit, strong and pretty fast. Unfortunately, girlfriend is also pretty uncoordinated. And sometimes one might even say she is spacey and more interested in socializing during her little league soccer games than playing hard. Mr. A and I agree she is probably not going to be a soccer star, but we like that she is learning to play a team sport and getting to learn to use her body. We like to think we are generally cool with her soccer mediocrity.
In this same vein, I like to think Mr. A and I are not particularly competitive parents. ESPECIALLY with respect to sports. Last week at M’s soccer game, we sat on the sidelines feeling smug while a set of assholes super-critical parents yelled nasty things at their daughter who was not playing up to their very high standards for FIRST GRADE soccer. Actually, we ended up cheering for their daughter because we were so annoyed.
Fast forward a few days. I went to M’s soccer practice because Mr. A had to work late. What did I find during the scrimmage against the kindergarten boys? M chasing cottonwood fluff around the soccer field instead of paying attention to her goalie job. When she wasn’t playing goalie, she was not watching the ball. She was just running around aimlessly in the vicinity of the pack of kids, but not really putting in any effort. Then there was the last straw: When the mass of kids ran toward the other end of the field, she SAT DOWN in a heap to wait for the ball to come back her way. SHE SAT DOWN. DURING A (sort of practice) GAME!
To my surprise, I was pissed. Really pissed. How dare she sit down! We were here so she could PRACTICE and improve her skills!! I called her over and gave her a lecture about working hard and paying attention. And as I was saying the lecture well-known to parents of mini-athletes everywhere, I really meant it.
You need to HUSTLE! You need to PAY ATTENTION! You need to work hard FOR YOUR TEAMMATES! If you want to be a better player, you need to PUT IN SOME EFFORT! If you want to lay around, we should just GO HOME! Blah Blah Blah.
It was the same lecture I heard from my College Athlete father my entire childhood. It was practically like I could hear his voice coming out of my own mouth. (And he certainly heard the same if not much worse from HIS College Athlete father who has recently been banned from my niece’s kindergarten soccer games after he kept making a huge scene yelling ‘advice’ to her from the sidelines.)
Because M is only seven years old, not surprisingly, the lecture made her cry.
And AFTER I got over being pissed off about her screwing around*, I felt like a major league asshole.
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I am inserting a pause here so you can all take a moment or two to feel smug about one of the following:
- Your own personal laissez faire – parenting style which is clearly superior to mine
- Your child’s athletic prowess and lack of laziness
- The wise choice of not signing YOUR kid up for stupid things like first grade soccer in the first place
Feeling good about yourself? Good, carry on…
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There is more I could say about my underlying fear that M hasn’t found her “thing” yet. She hasn’t found a hobby or sport that she really excels at and loves. There is a low-level undercurrent of pressure that I can feel for M to find a “thing” so we can focus on that instead of dabbling in lots of other stuff.
Don’t get me wrong, I know this is ridiculous! I know she is only SEVEN. I know we don’t need to start filling in her college applications yet and we don’t have aspirations to raise a sports (or music or whatever!) prodigy. But I can’t stop myself from worrying that she won’t be able to play a varsity sport at her pretty-big high school if she doesn’t start working on some skills NOW.
And yet, on some level I worry about it.
Hello, First World problem! Hello, too much free time spent thinking about my kid’s future hobbies! Hello, Stupid suburban over-achiever lifestyles infiltrating my brain!
So there it is. A parenting confession for Mother’s Day…
I will even confess I would worry even more if I didn’t have a secret plan to make M a rock-star Taiwanese Diabolo-er before it is time for her to apply for college.
Heh heh heh. Only joking…sort of.
* My only shabby defense is the fact that I had been running the kids around all day, hadn’t eaten lunch and STILL hadn’t eaten dinner at 7:00 pm. Low blood sugar is not my friend.
I felt smug about the fact that I never signed *my* children for soccer so *I* didn’t have every spring and fall Saturday taken up by soccer games. My children ended up taking ballet classes four evenings a week and acting in children’s theatre productions, with four or five rehearsals a week and performances on, you guessed it, Saturdays. So not only weekends but every. single. damn. evening. taken up with activities. Boy, do I ever feel smug about that.
Your soccer experience sounds exactly like me and my son when he was in Kindergarten. Exactly. By the second year he played, I managed to totally mellow out when I realized he was just never going to be that good, and as long as he knew what was generally going on in the game, then that was o.k. I was also shocked at how much my blood pressure rose when he was in Kindergarten and he was totally not contributing to the game. He’s 10 now and is still playing, and is still on the low end of an average player. I too worry about him not finding his “thing,” although he’s shown some glimmers in some areas (but I’m thinking that varsity sports may never be in his future.) When he was 7 I thought he had plenty of time, but now that he’s 10 I’m feeling the pressure more! And I also realize how totally ridiculous that is. But maybe not so ridiculous, I mean, how in the world is he going to get into college without a thing! Just kidding, but only sort of…
I had Austin in Soccer and T-ball at 5 and 6, he didn’t like it. He chased the fluff, he dug holes with his cleats…I was kind of upset. I let him not play for a couple of years. I worried that he hadn’t found his “thing” and then guess what? He DID find his thing: Swimteam. He LOVES it. He thrives. He begs to go. Give it time. He’s almost 9.
Loved this post
I too had similar feelings at tiny tyke soccer this weekend with my 4-year-old son. He doesn’t love it, and I wonder if it’s simply because some of the other kids are better at it than he is? Do we just need to perhaps practice a bit more at home? Or do I need to relax and realize that team sports might not be his thing. Or do I need to relax and understand that he’s only 4, and it is just too soon to be over thinking this. (But that won’t stop me.)
I’ve felt like my daughter was the only one who didn’t have a Thing. Not interested in soccer (I know!), got tired of dance and gymnastics, etc. At ten, it’s looking like her Thing(s) will be art and music. And Girl Scouts. And possibly track? Which I never would have guessed.
I gave Patrick a similar lecture a few weeks ago (except he’s in kindergarten, so I’m an even bigger asshole). We’re totally fine with his mediocrity in soccer but I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste the time of the whole family in getting home, getting him to practices and games, etc. if he doesn’t actually care to be there. And I told him that because he’s been asking to go to soccer camp this summer. I said that he doesn’t have to be the best but if he doesn’t like it enough to pay attention and try during practice and games, there was no way I was going to spend my time (and Melkamu’s time) driving him to and from camp for a week this summer. I told him that he had to show in his last practice and game that he actually likes it enough to try. And he did. So he’s going to get to go to soccer camp and I still feel like an asshole.
So, yeah, about the “thing.” My daughter does have a passion, reading/writing/drama. But, taking those to the “next level” requires a commitment I’m not willing to even particularly encourage in a 9 year old (and yes, she’s older, and I can see parents around me trying to sort through activities trying to find the thing they’re going to concentrate on, and realizing that letting her be a generalist, and not getting into the competitive fray — auditioning, submitting work to publications, etc. will handicap her in the race).
Regarding soccer, though, I’ve had an interesting experience. I have two kids. My older is like your M (although she’s not a fast runner, either, so she’s actually unsuited for soccer in almost every way. She doesn’t run, she’s not coordinated, . . . ). I understand your frustration with M, because I think there is a responsibility to try. And, I think she shouldn’t be playing soccer if she isn’t willing to try. Now, the conflict arises when *I’ve* signed her up for soccer. Is she now required to try because I’ve decided she’s going to play (rather than she’s decided)? Tough one for me, because our other issue is that she’s also prone to not doing enough physical activity (i.e. “using her body”) if she’s not in an organized activity. If she would go run around by herself, I’d not make her do soccer.
(Yeah, there’s no resolution there).
But, then, I have a son, currently in K soccer, who is a mean soccer machine. I don’t know if he’s going to be any good (really, ’cause he’s small, and doesn’t run as fast as others). But, he loves to play, and he puts everything into it when he plays. He plays his little tiny heart out. So, my revelation? I found myself getting very annoyed at the dandelion pickers in the field — the kids who were hanging back unwilling to join the fray, who were *sitting* down, talking to friends, just not playing the game. It is a team sport, and though in K one boy can do a lot, he can’t actually play the entire team
.
(No, I did not take it on myself to give stern lecture to the kids playing with fluff. But, I wanted their parents to give them the lecture — about trying — I don’t care if they’re any good. And that’s even though I’d say everything else you’d say about not caring about athletics, or finding a thing, and thinking that over-aggressive parenting is inappropriate.)
I’s interesting to watch myself as a parent in action (and in theory and in thoughts). Mind you, in action, I was fine, it was only in my heart that I wanted to pull aside those buggers who weren’t taking the game seriously and give them a stern lecture, kind of like Jimmy Carter and lust.
“…a relatively athletic kid. She is fit, strong and pretty fast. Unfortunately, girlfriend is also pretty uncoordinated.”
This describes my daughter to a T. She can do anything – but if there is something to trip on or run into she will do it. It’s because she NEVER pays attention.
She’s good at gymnastics, but not great. She LOVES swimming but is too short to reach in the pool at the level in which she should be in. She likes the socialization at dance class, but not the dancing. I drive by the soccer field on Saturday mornings on the way to Chinese School and think – brrr I’m glad she doesn’t want to do soccer – you know why? “There is too much running in soccer.”
I think she would be happy just sitting home watching Scooby Doo 24/7 – which is NOT an option. Which is why I freaked out on her last week when she would not tell me what activities she wants to do this summer:)
We all have our weak points.
Interesting timing on your post since it ties into a lot of my internal rumblings at the moment. I have found it frustrating that other kids seem to find their “passions” early on, while Ellie is still ricocheting (sp?) all over the place in her interests. Honestly, I know it comes full circle to my own issues around being a jack of all trades (interests)/master of none. I’ve never been the go-to expert on any particular subject, nor do I excel at any particular sport, musical instrument, etc. My issues — not hers. I have a really happy, healthy kid, and I need to focus on that…
Like M, I was not coordinated as child (I’m still not), and according to my mom, I picked dandelions when I should have been paying attention to what my elementary school soccer teammates were doing. As a lifelong nerd/geek, though, I found my Thing in HS – robotics! There are a bunch of programs for younger kids (google Junior FIRST Lego League for one), so maybe if M is not destined to be a star athlete, she could still get teamwork experience doing something like that.
When I signed up the kiddo for gymnastics in kindergarten, in our ultra-competitive town, I was told she was too old to be taking her first gymnastics class and that it would be way too hard for her to catch up. Hmmm?? since when do 5 year olds go pro? So my kid just goes to after school stuff now like jr. science club, chinese club etc..
i am so not going near a soccer field or hockey rink, EVER. if it god-forbids turns out to be their thing, they’ll have to sign themselves up and walk over to practice on their own! how’s that for stellar parenting!
Luckily, so far both my kids are waaaay into skiing, which is a family activity for us, and Belle likes the school play, which very much seems to be her thing. If it works out, it involves no input from me, except a slight change in the carpool, since it’s at school.
You can engrave my laissez-faire parenting award now.
This is a great post. (I am a hysterical helicopter parent. I can’t help it and I don’t really want to.) Seriously, the race to the Ivy League etc starts _now_, wherever now may be… doesn’t mean that those who don’t start now won’t get there, it isn’t about where you are in grade school, but I think it can be about the attitudes you learn toward achievement and competition of whatever sort.
What motivates M? Is there anything she feels competitive about?
We’ve had a rule that, if you sign up, you have to show up and try because it’s good sportsmanship and because you made a commitment to the team. But we also sign up for the low-key sports leagues, and we let kids who won’t want play a sport stay home.
Actually I’m dreading next year, when Elba will probably want to join the more intense soccer league. It’s a ridiculous time demand on the parents and siblings. But I already refused to let her continue on to real ballet (twice a week practices were not going to work for our family), and it doesn’t seem fair to keep saying no.
Sometimes I freak out about the whole “only the kids who start with THIS league will be able to play on the high school team” dynamic, but then I remember two things. (1) My sister played intensively from third grade onward and did all the summer travel leagues and was a starter on her state-championship team, and then quit everything her senior year because the burnout was so profound. And (2) I really do believe that someone who’s ready to work hard and do the drills can still earn a place on the high-school teams. If you look at high-school sports reporting, it still happens all the time. So-and-so showed up and tried out because a gym teacher suggested they do it, and now they’re going to the state championship, that sort of thing.
It’s a good thing, though, that my kids weren’t interested in gymnastics or ice skating, because I’m way too lazy to do the work necessary to succeed at the highest levels in those sports.
Although that raises the question: what level of participation is actually necessary, for kids to feel like they’re having fun and succeeding?
One other thing working in our favor: right now, college applications are peaking in numbers because of the birth rates of the 1990s. But birth rates were falling by the end of the 90s and into the 00s, and the best predictions are that the college application process will not be QUITE so intense by the time our kids are going.
Who knows whether that will be true or not, though.
I’m not even thinking about organized sports as a way to get into college. Or is that not what you meant?
I come from an ultra competitive family with a totally not competitive granddaughter. I just can’t understand it! ‘You really don’t care about winning, whose best or where you placed?’ runs thru my mind whenever I talk to her. But she doesn’t. She is the sweetest (see, I am even competitive here) child I have ever known who sees only the best in everyone. Maybe she was sent to teach me a lesson.
My twins are also gifted athletes. The asked to play soccer this spring, so every saturday we head out to the YMCA kinder soccer fields. My son itches to play and stands tense and ready on the sidelines when he’s not in the game. My daughter will do really well for awhile, then wander out of the game and try to get on my lap. Our reasoning is that they asked to play, so they need to play. When they get involved in the game, they are amazing (usually the two of them score more goals than the rest of both teams put together) They are beginning to learn strategy and team work. We’re not hardasses, we cheer just as hard for the other team as ours, and our league does not officially keep score at kinder level. We give praise for “assists”. This last Saturday, they didn’t outscore the rest of the team, and we were fine with that because they mostly kept up with the game and tried. I’m not a very competitive person, but the world is, and it’s good for them to see they can succeed when they try, imo.
I never found my thing in grade school or high school (no worries, I found it in college – and it wasn’t just beer). I grew up w/a divorced mom who worked full time while going to school for her MBA at night and dad who lived too far away to be helpful in the pursuit of extracurricular activities (or not but let’s not poke that particular scabbed over wound). Rural Ohio didn’t have public transportation so I wasn’t able to participate in anything after school or on the weekends. I was always (and remain slightly) a little bitter about it.
As a mom now, I am horrified by how much time extracurriculars take up for parents. Who knew? I am determined to allow my children to each try different activities (1 at a time for each of them) so they can find what they love but damn I don’t want to spend every Saturday on a soccer field watching 4 year olds run around in barely controlled chaos. And? I hate ballet class and have been counting down the weeks until it is over (2).
When my daughter was in middle schol, she got into Color Guard and was really good at it. In high school, she decided it wasn’t really her ‘thing’ and broke my heart by switching to Speech and Debate, which she was also good at and which she liked better. Her brother is 17, is a gifted athlete but is lazy and unmotivated. He runs track (half assed) when he feels like it, he refused to go out for water polo and quit the swim team because it was, “too much work”. He learned to swim at age three by watching his sister at her lesson and jumping into the pool fully clothed. He came up spitting and sputtering but dog paddled determinedly to the steps where he clambered out and promptly did it again before anyone could grab him. Oy. If they could bottle ambition I’d force it down his throat. Unfortunately, we just have to wait until he decides to apply himself to something, ANYTHING. His grades would be a good start.
The only ones feeling good about themselves are the smug idiots whose kids are barely out of diapers but who feel they have this whole parenting gig figured out. What they don’t get is that it NEVER ends. Never. As Jason Robards so eloquently put it in Parenthood, “it doesn’t end when your kid is 18 or 21, or 35!” Parenting is forever and is constantly changing and evolving. M will find something she loves and when she does, you’ll be there for her.
I’m the child of two semi-pro atheletes. I had sports whomped at me from day one. Even now, in my thirties, I struggle with the trauma of social and family atheletic pressure. I have yet to reconcile my love of movement with my distaste for how sports are structured in American culture.
I don’t yet have kids, but when I do I hope to let them love physicality without the boxes of competitive sports. Everything in life is so damn competitive, can’t kids just run and tumble and kick and imagine without it being so complicated and regimented?
I think American attitudes towards sports are partly responsible for the problems of obesity and poor health. I look at my grandmother, who grew up feeling that movement was one of the great human aesthetic pleasures and imperatives; she had siblings in the Olympics, back when it was non-professional, yet their sense of competition was always against oneself, and not so neurotic.
Physicality – I don’t even like to say atheletics – is so regimented and removed in the current America context.
And why the fuck does it matter if a little kid hasn’t found their “thing” yet? Isn’t that good? How many adults continue with what they were into as children? The ones who wander off to daydream and pick at dandelions will probably fare better than the little tools who are good at the organization and conformity of team sports.