My dearest readers and friends in the computer,
I have been thinking about closing up shop here for quite a while. It is time to admit that my blogging mojo is gone.
I started this blog just days before M’s first birthday and now she is a strapping 7 1/2 year old. When I started blogging, L was only our Hypothetical Future Child (HFC) and now she is our child in every way.
This blog helped me through the dark, dark days of new parenting when I thought I was going to lose my ever-loving mind. This blog is where I turned when I was trying to figure out how to make being a multicultural, multiracial family a blessing instead of a burden for my girls. It helped me learn to unpack my invisible knapsack of privilege. Blogging helped me survive the long wait to adopt from China with humor and community. This blog was my refuge when I was in Baby Jail after L came home and I thought I couldn’t make it through another day inside the four walls of my house.
In short, this blog and the people I met here helped me walk through the fire and figure out how to be the mother (and person) I want to be.
Thank you.
My life wouldn’t be what it is today without you, my friends in the computer. While there have been some bumps (and assholes) along the way, blogging has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. The support, friendships and community I found here were life-changing.
Some of you became my real-life friends. Some of you remain my friends in the computer. Some of you have been secretly lurking for years and years not realizing that having an audience for the crazy that is my life sometimes was the only thing keeping me sane.
I am so sad to let American Family go.
The things I want to write about (things that cause me stress and angst right now) are unbloggable. The story doesn’t belong only to me and putting it on the internet isn’t worth the risk to the other parties involved or to the relationships we hope to build. We are still searching and hoping to rebuild connections that have been lost. I think this is a road we will have to walk alone.
I was hoping to wait until we finished our big trip to China and Taiwan next year, but I can’t see dragging things out for another 6-12 months just to do a travel blog. I am going to hold on to the domain name, just in case. I have always made snarky comments (who me??) about people who close up their blog and then come back over and over, but now I understand why. This shit is hard, yo. I will still be on Twitter ( su per grrl 7 spacesremoved), if you feel you can’t stand to say goodbye.
A final update about each of us before we go:
M: M is lanky and tall. Sometimes she is a little bit awkward, but she has a lot of confidence. She is missing so many teeth she looks like a jack-o-lantern. She is a gentle girl with a kind heart. Just this summer, she has really come into her own as a big sister. She has started including L in the very involved pokemon games she plays with her stuffed animals. M is smart as a whip and we continue to try to figure out how to get her needs met at school. M was fortunate to have an excellent teacher in the past two years who made sure she was challenged at school. We hope next year will be more of the same. While she complains about learning Chinese, M is making great progress. I can’t wait until we get to China to see how much she understands and if she will feel comfortable speaking. M is goofy and beautiful. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I can see the woman she will be one day and it takes my breath away.
L: L is a surprise. She bares almost no resemblance to the chubby-cheeked, somber baby we saw in her referral photos. She is cute as a button and all girl. She has grown a lot lately. From the tiny bug who was wearing size twos on her 4th birthday, she recently shot up into the 20th %tile, much to my relief. She is nimble, compact and strong. She might be a little slow to warm up, but her smile lights up the room. L is cautious but has a stubborn streak that will serve her well (though it might be the death of me!).
This past year with L has been hard. (Actually, I could say that about almost every year with L. But each year for different reasons.) Not that L herself has been hard, but being the best mama to her and figuring out how to get her needs met has been a struggle. I have written a lot here about the challenges of trying to figure out the lingering effects of living in an orphanage – trauma and attachment issues, vision issues, vestibular issues, educational issues – but I don’t want to leave you with the wrong impression. L is amazing. She is smart and funny and she will be just fine. She is figuring out what it means to be adopted. She loves stuffed animals and anything soft and fuzzy. She feels her feelings intensely, but lets them pass quickly. She loves her big sister. She is learning what it means to be a friend. Her capacity for love in spite of all her losses could break my heart into a million tiny pieces. I can’t imagine this family without her spark.
Mr. A: Right now, Mr. A is working at a fancy-pants, piece of cake job. He works only about 50 hours a week and has actually been known to take some time off (!). While he likes this job, we know his days there are numbered. Sometime in the next year he will head back to the land of the corporate lawyers where he will work too much and (hopefully!) make a little more money. We are soaking up as much of this easy time as we can. He is still a wonderful father and the only man I can imagine spending my life with.
Me: I am happy. Really and truly. I am living the life that is better than I could ever have dreamed it would be. I have the perfect little family and I live in a perfect little town. I am surrounded by wonderful friends who live nearby and some who live too far away. Sure, there are a few areas I would like to change: I would love to find our forever house (or at this point almost ANY house) so we can move out of the cramped rental; I would like to have a housecleaner again because it seems I am never going to be a tidy person who enjoys cleaning; I would like to travel more. Recently, I have actually begun to contemplate getting a job once L goes to kindergarten for the sole purpose of funding more Big Trips. We are starting to get ready for our two month trip to China and Taiwan (and maybe Hawaii and somewhere else if we get bored?). I am so excited, I can barely contain myself.
So that’s us. We are riding off into the sunset with our hair trailing in the wind and smiles on our faces. We are finding our Happily Ever After.
It has been a wild and wonderful ride.
Thank You.
Good Luck! I am going to miss ya.
“We are finding our Happily Ever After.” that is lovely. I am a bit teary over here on my street. xoxoxo Loved being a reader babe. xo
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
dude, I totally get it. I hung up the shingle too… only to open up somewhere else, quietly, non-publicly. maybe you’ll end up doing that too.
In the meantime, I will never forget our infamous lunch in Chi-town, where Mr. A pretended he had sired all of the 12+ girls at the tables!
And of course, I will forever remember the Kosher Turkey.
I will miss you more than you will ever know.
Awww, I understand, but I am truly sad to see you close up shop. Thanks for all your words here. Your blog has always been thought-provoking, and you really helped me figure out some things about helping my kid have a secure sense of her identity as an Asian-American. If you’re ever in L.A., drop me a line.
I’m a longtime lurker who has never commented here. Just wanted to say thanks for writing here and sharing your life with us. Best to you and your family…..
Sigh…Well, at least it’s a happy, happy note to end your blog on. We will miss you. Maybe write about your trip when it happens? Keep in touch; you’ve got my email.
All the best to you AmFam, I’ll miss your blog!
I’ve truly enjoyed reading your blog…best of luck to you & yours!
Aw, this makes me sad. I think back fondly on what I see now was a really brief time when so many of us were so much more connected – I think we all learned a tremendous amount from each other. I suppose change and drift is an inevitable part of life . . .
I wish you all the best on your family’s journey, wherever it takes you all!
Sorry to see this blog end; I have enjoyed reading it! Thank you for your insight for the past few years.
I will really miss your blog.
Glad you’ll still be around on Twitter. I haven’t felt the blogging mojo in a year, and am trying slowly to get back into it, but it’s just not the same. Facebook and Twitter have changed the blogosphere, for sure. I can’t keep up with it all, for one! I am so excited to follow you on your trip next year vicariously, I hope, through social media.
Farewell, AmFam. I’ll miss your blog. I miss the days of the Killer Ladybugs and a bloglines full of fun, smart blogs to read.
(It’s killing me that I never knew L’s real name!)
I may have only recently started following you; however I have crossed paths with you numerous time over the last 5 years. I will miss your blog, but completely understand the need for privacy. Enjoy every moment of finding your happily ever after!
While I’ve mostly lurked, I’m sad to see you’re closing up shop (but also happy that you’re in a good place where this seems like the logical next step!). I hope that things continue to move onwards and upwards. Thanks for sharing your journey.
It’s been a pleasure to read your blog. I appreciated your snarky humor and irreverent style when I was adopting and gagging on all the ladybug, “Journey to ___” stories out there in the cyber-universe. I appreciated the ongoing dialogue. Good luck to you!
Thank YOU! All my best to you and the whole American Family.
P*ss, another one bites the dust. Sad to see you go. Selfishly wish you would have closed up after you blogged your trip, but it’s lovely to hear that you’re in such a great place. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
It’s been a wild and wonderful ride on this side of the computer as well. Wow, it has been years, hasn’t it? I’ll miss your posts! You provoked much thought about identity and relationships and the yearning for the perfect house.
I hope when you have more adventures that you’ll come back sometime and tell us about them. Big hugs for you and your whole family!
I’m so sorry to see you go, I’ve really enjoyed reading about your family. Have a happy life and best wishes to you and yours.
Am — best of everything to you, and hope our paths cross again.
I will miss you a lot, but I am wishing you guys all the best.
Thank you for writing your blog and for all the wonderful adventures I was able to read over the years. I feel like I know you even though I don’t. Good luck with your girls and your trips.
Wishing you well. Thanks for all the wonderful stories and the articles that made us think.
I’ve been reading your blog for several years. I’ll miss it but wish and your family the very best!
Keep in touch!! I’ll miss your voice here, for sure :0)
What a great note to end on! I’ll miss reading you …
AmFam, I am so sad to see you go. I have enjoyed your blog for years, and though we have not seen eye to eye on everything, I have really enjoyed and been challenged by your viewpoints. Thank you for that. Could you leave us with one more picture of your gorgeous girls?!?!?!?!?! Pretty pretty pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase!!!!!!
Good luck! I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and your family via your blog.
Well, well, well Ms. AmFam, I do believe you are being a little bit sentimental. What will it be next? Hugs??? Seriously, I have loved reading your blog, even though I am lucky enough to know you in real life.
Good luck in your future. You are a really good writer.
AmFam, your lovely last post is making me blub over here. Thanks for your honesty, I’m really glad I found you when I needed you. Wishing you lots of fun travelling and happiness always.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
AmFam – I’m going to miss you and your family. I guess I’ll need to start paying more attention to Twitter now.
Best of luck with whatever is next for you and your family! I have REALLY enjoyed your blog and am sending a request to follow you on twitter (I’m w e n p h d, obviously with no spaces). If you end up coming back to blog intermittently, I’ll be back to read.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear this….I’ll really miss you. I get much encouragement thru my long wait from hearing your stories and experiences. Sigh. Thank you so much for sharing for all this time. I think I’ve been following for 4+ years.
Good luck!
I hope you know how much you’ve been appreciated and how much you’ll be missed! !
Email me when you come to Beijing – we can take our kids to the Olympic Park together. I love it when friends come out of the computer and into my real life. melaniegao at aol dot com.
I just recently FOUND you and have loved reading back posts. I totally get the why. I’m there, too. Everything I want to talk about… I can’t… but get it off my chest with a few close adoptive mama friends because I can’t keep it all bottled up inside. Thanks for the little ride. It was fun!
I understand your rationale, but I will confess am going to miss you! I think you were the first adoptive-mama-blogger I found who addressed issues of race and culture in adoption with such gravely contemplative respect. You presented so many thoughts I had never considered before, but which have given me countless hours of reflection since. If I take nothing else away from here, I hope I always retain that.
It has been such a privilege to be offered a window into your lives these past few years. I wish you and your beautiful, American family only the very best of whatever the future holds.
You’ll be missed. And who will you tell when you finally find the perfect house, and the perfect buyer? I was looking forward to that. And I really wanted to know how L made out in school. Now that I think bout it as long as you are keeping the domain you could check in once a month or so, just to keep all your loyal readers in the loop.
Wishing you the best!
Thank god for twitter! Your writing has brought so many good things into the world, and has inspired me to think about a lot of issues more deeply than I would have otherwise. Plus, you’re just a great writer who’s fun to read (hence the yay twitter part).
Wishing you , L, M and Mr. A all the best. Thank you for all that you’ve shared.
I will miss your writings! I have lurked for a long time as I was just starting a multicultural family. Your advice and the resources you have provided through your posts have been invaluable. I feel like I learned a lot by reading about your experiences. I hope that I will be able to re-read your posts when similar issues come up about race/identity/bilingualism with my own little one.
Best wishes to your family! I hope you have many great trips in your future!
Another longterm lurker. I’ve really enjoyed this blog. Too bad you’re done with it but I understand. Thanks for all the good reads! I’ll miss this!
I’ll miss your voice a whole lot and I’m sorry I didn’t start reading years earlier (I think it’s been about, I don’t know, four-five?). I’ll keep my fingers crossed hoping for a travel blog next year
. Have a wonderful happily ever after, enjoy the sunset and the fresh breeze! 
Oh, and see you on twitter!
I’m going to miss your voice very much. It has meant a lot to me.
Sniff, sniff, sniff. I will miss you too. I might have to venture into the world of twitter just so I don’t lose touch with you. I’d love to meet you IRL, I’ve been reading so long, you feel like a friend. I’m sad to see you go. Enjoy life!
Farewell. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and I’m sure I’ll “see” you around twitter and other various boards and blogs.
Wishing you and yours the very best…thank you for sticking around as long as you did but totally understand the need to retreat…hugs and thanks again for the laughs and for the times you made me think outside my box.
Another long time lurker wishing you well. I have learnt so much from your thoughts and words as you have shared your journey. Thank you so much. I will miss your wise words and amusing anecdotes.