A while back, something really terrible happened to a friend of mine. The kind of thing that leaves you thinking “Damn, I am glad that didn’t happen to me.”
When something terrible happens, I think it is a good opportunity to see exactly what kind of people your friends really are. Well, in this case, I showed myself to be a flaming jerk. I screwed up. Instead of supporting my friend, I backed away. When she really, really needed compassion and support, I was nowhere to be found.
It was not my finest moment. Not by a long shot.
I can make excuses, but they are all really dumb. What kind of excuse is there for being an asshole? (And yes, one can be an asshole by simple failure to act.)
I have been carrying around that black smudge of karma. I tried to avoid thinking about it, but it would bubble up from time to time. My subconscious wouldn’t let it go. Then, all the sudden, the universe let me know that it was time to address my failings.
Yesterday, I took the opportunity to apologize for my small roll in a much bigger hurt. In my family, we just pretend that bad things or conflict never happened, but that would be the pussy way out.
I had to apologize, even if there was no good reason for anyone to forgive me. I had to say it out loud and own it, so I did. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but it was the right thing to do. It didn’t erase the damage, but at the very least I took responsibility.
I always liked that (Dr. Phil??) saying “When people show you who they are, believe them.” I not only showed my friend who I was, I showed myself. I don’t like that person.
I am working on it. I am learning to be a better friend. I am trying to be a compassionate person. I am not perfect, but I can be better than this.
Don’t forget to start by being a good friend to yourself. It is ok to acknowledge your failings but you also need to forgive yourself and go forth and do better. If you can’t forgive yourself how can you ever forgive anyone else and at some time we all need forgiveness. It is just part of being human. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.
I’ve been there! It takes courage to admit you made a mistake.
I think that one of the hardest things to learn as I get older is how to screw up. As a kid, the ‘run and hide’ approach was def. my favorite, and it bled into way too many friendships, some of which became former friendships.
Thanks for posting this – even though I know that there are other people who have to muddle through this, it’s too easy to feel freakishly alone about it all.
we are all a work in progress. the best we can do is own up to our mistakes when we recognize them. something tells me you are a better friend than you realize. and maybe a bit hard on yourself. but i love that you see how you could have done better. i am always looking in my mirror that way.
my bff and I lost our relationship 4 years ago due to the same thing as you said, backing off instead of engaging. (I was the person the backing off happened to).
3 weeks ago, after 4 years of not speaking, her never meeting my kids, life happening, we reconnected and both owned up for our parts. We’ve grown and matured and can now move forward. I find this to be one of the most important things that have ever happened to me, letting go for me was never easy and nowt that I have I feel lighter every day.
Hmmm-I’ve had lots of friends back off. Not sure that’s always a bad thing, even if it doesn’t feel good.