Ok, my dear friends in the computer, does anyone know the answers to these questions?
1) Mr. A’s dad claims there is no need to bring gifts to extended family members in Taiwan. He says that is a Chinese thing because it used to be so difficult to get consumer goods there and the trend stuck. He says people in Taiwan can get whatever they want and it will be better and cheaper than here. True or not true?
2) Next question pertains to gifts for men in China: Does anyone know what kind of liquor is currently popular? I am assuming whiskey is ok, but what kind/which label? I have had advice to give zippo lighters and swiss army knives as gifts too. Can you get the right kind of lighter fluid in China, because I don’t think I can take that on the plane? What is the preferred aesthetic for Chinese men, plain brass or chrome or something like this lovely number suggested by Mr. A? Also, knives: are we talking the bigger knife with lots of stuff or the more simple one with only a couple things on it? Isn’t there some tradition about knives and bad luck as gifts too?
3) What gift would be appropriate for a woman in her twenties? What about a woman in her 40s? I am thinking of gifts in the $25-$40 range and also some in the $5 range.*
I just found this list of ideas for the ayis, but I could use any more suggestions for more expensive gifts.
Rachel asks:
I want to hear stories about what you did before kids and adoption. I know a little and there have to be some gems in your past.
It is kind of hard to remember what life was like before we had kids. M was born in 2003. Before that, here is a brief timeline of stuff I did. I will start with college and hit the highlights (I tried to include links if I remembered writing about it before):
- The night before I moved into my freshman dorm, I had to call the police and have my boyfriend of several years transported to the hospital because he OD’ed on medication trying to commit suicide. Note: This is not the ideal way to begin one’s college career.
- Spent much of my freshman year trying to keep that boyfriend alive while he struggled with clinical depression. This included several more hospitalizations for suicide attempts.
- Went to Colorado to visit a friend and snowboarded.
- My boyfriend was finally successful in his suicide attempts and killed himself in April of 1995.
- Life stopped while I mourned…for years.
- As I was drowning in that hole of suck (and later as I started climbing out), I started going to raves and doing what ravers do there. I danced and didn’t sleep most weekends for several years. I also wore really funny big pants.
- Met Mr. A while I was sleeping with my roommate’s boyfriend on a regular basis. THAT wasn’t a very popular decision among my women’s studies classmates, but a sad girl does stupid stuff sometimes.
- Went backpacking in Europe with a friend from High School. Got my tongue pierced there, which promptly got very infected. Flew home slightly early because the infection was making me ill. Got to ride in first class because I was on standby. That was my best flight ever.
- Started dating Mr. A two weeks before he left to teach English in China for a year. Had a very sad parting when he left. Spent a lot of money that year on long distance phone calls (back in the day when $.69 a minute was an awesome deal to call China…good investment in the long run.)
- Mr. A came back from China and promptly took off for California for law school. I rode with him on the first of what ended up being 7 (I think) trips back and forth between California and Ohio by car. By the end, I had that 39 hour drive down to a fast three day trip.
- Graduated from college with a Women’s Studies degree. Didn’t even go to graduation because I got on a plane to go with Mr. A to Cambodia for the summer. It was a rather, uh, dangerous time to be in Cambodia, but we got out in one piece. While I was there I worked for a local Women’s NGO doing needs assessments for big international grants they were trying to get.
- After leaving Cambodia, Mr. A and I backpacked through Thailand, HongKong and Macau (for the gambling). When Mr. A started carrying snacks for my low-blood sugar tantrums, I knew he was the one for me. Seriously, if you can travel together without someone getting strangled, marriage is a piece of cake.
- Came home from Asia, worked for a few months to save up enough money to move to San Francisco (trip2). I spent a miserable year there temping and VERY poor. I moved back to Ohio the next summer (trip3) while Mr. A was doing an internship in Ohio (that was the summer his dad married the Ukrainian mail order bride) . Then we moved back to San Francisco again (trip 4). We lived together that year. I was slightly less desperately poor that year, but it was still not much fun to pay $2,000 to rent a crappy 2 bedroom apartment. I always felt very poor in San Francisco.
- I got a job doing fundraising at Planned Parenthood. That was the beginning of my illustrious career in Sex and Money.
- We stayed there until Mr. A graduated from Law School. Then we moved to Cleveland for a year while he did a judicial clerkship (trip 5). I effing HATED the snow in cleveland. And also, Cleveland is surprisingly Catholic and people did not look kindly on my former abortion-clinic working self.
- After 6 months, I moved back to San Francisco and back to Planned Parenthood (trip 6). I met my good friend Peg there. I lived in the crappiest 5th generation illegal sublet in the world, but it was so cheap I could actually enjoy SF for once. Our apartment was so gross, my roommate Liz and I spent many nights in Golden Gate Park drinking a lot of beer then going to yoga class.
- After his clerkship, Mr. A returned to San Francisco. He promptly left on a 2 month bike trip from California to Florida which left him looking like a scraggly, sunburned homeless man (but a HOT homeless man with thighs that could crack a walnut).
- Then we came home and I got knocked up accidentally. You know what people working at Planned Parenthood think when a coworker gets pregnant accidentally? They think it is effing hilarious. After I told them, the next 6 months were a laugh riot for them, not so much for me.
- My surprise pregnancy was beyond unpleasant for our relationship. Mr A worked WAY to much and I was a hormonal train wreck. I also got laid off right before M was born.
- When M was born, Mr. A continued to work way to much. After a few months of that, I decided if he wasn’t going to help me take care of the baby, I would move home where at least my mom would give me a hand. I told Mr. A was I going back to Ohio with or without him. So he quit his job, we packed up and moved to Ohio (trip 7) where we lived like kings on my unemployment checks while Mr. A studied for the Ohio bar.
So there it is. My whole adult life before kids.
It could be summed up like this: Dead boyfriend, sad, traveling, dancing, stupid sex, traveling, moving to California, feeling poor, moving to Ohio, moving to California, feeling poor, moving to Ohio, moving to California, getting knocked up, moving to Ohio.
My good friend Amy at Little Alouette is in the running to be included in the Martha Stewart craft sale. They make beautiful handcrafted wooden toys that are perfect baby shower presents. Amy and her carpenter husband Joe are really awesome and this would be a great opportunity for them.
Could you do me a favor and take 4 seconds (really, I timed it!) to click on her name?
Click HERE and select Amy Turn Sharp/Little Alouette
Ok, this isn’t really answering some of the house questions I was asked (I will still try to get to them), but lets just take a minute to look at pictures I have as inspiration for the house we will build.
We haven’t started talking to an architect yet, but I am collecting pictures because I lack any kind of architectural vocabulary or ability to describe what I like. In my own head, I think if it as Scandinavian Modernish, but not Toooo modern. Yes. Clear as mud.
Things I like in these pictures
1) Kitchen: I like the counter to ceiling windows, high ceilings, color of hardwood floors (not knotty, not too light or too dark)
2) Open plan: This is my all time favorite picture for ideas. I LOVE the walls of windows, but leaving a small space for the fire place and TV or something. I love that the bit of wall there has clerestory windows above it. I love windows with that smaller pane at the top. I love the open plan. I imagine the kitchen is just to the right of the photo, or maybe the photo is taken from the kitchen and it is one big long great room.
3) Mud Room: If I could, I would steal this exact room. I love the double closets with big doors. I love the bench that is useful but low-profile. I love the door that is a giant window. In my rough sketch of our future house, I included this very setup.
4) Windows: More of these windows with the smaller pane at the top. These open out, I think, which I like too.
5) More windows: More big windows with a pane at the top. I also like two identical couches facing each other with chairs on the other side (and the space that allows it). I do NOT like the asymmetry of the fireplace hole.
6. Will you be surprised when I say I like these windows? Also, I like the long, low bookshelves. I imagine something similar in each girls’ bedroom someday.
You will also notice a common theme beyond my love of big windows: white walls and hardwood floors.
Another question from the stack:
Marie asks:
How would you approach teaching a toddler about sexuality and their own body? I was raised by a public health/school nurse, so I was awash in information beyond what my peers knew – very scientific and matter-of-fact – so that’s my starting point. I know that you have a background in sex ed, so I am very interested in your opinion as well.
My latest confusion is what term is best for female genitalia. I grew up with the all-purpose “vagina,” but that seems more internal. “Vulva” seems the more accurate parrallel to “penis,” but what do you think is the best term for youngsters? Do you use different approaches with your own girls? We’ve been working our way through body parts, and I know that someday in the not too distant future, we’ll get around to penis and vulva, or whatever. I don’t think I would be able to bring myself to use euphemisms other than ironically, and I don’t think Hoo-ha would pass the toddler test. Or maybe I should hold off until she’s old enough to understand about public vs private language? (My inlaws are not so frank, ever.)
This is an easy question. We just use the real, scientific terms. No euphemisms here. The vulva is the outer genital area for girls, so that is what we use when we are talking about that area. For example: “Wash your vulva.” If we are talking about the canal where babies come out or penises go in, we say vagina.
I don’t know why people seem to want to make vagina the girl genital word of choice. It is like saying “That is your throat” when a kid is pointing at their face.
I also don’t worry about public or private words (especially not with respect to female genitalia). There is nothing funnier to any kid than talking about penises or butts. Or maybe even BALLS. (There was a brief BALLS phase around here that was hilarious to witness.) No one is really giggling about vulvas in private or in public.
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