I know that many adoptive parents reading this (and some day adoptees) want to know how we found L’s birth family.  There is a limit to how much information I can share because I have relationships and people to protect.  I don’t know what bad things (if anything) might happen if I share too much, but I like to err on the side of less is more.

The other thing I want to assure you is this: What I am not sharing doesn’t matter to YOU or YOUR search.  The steps our contact used to locate L’s family are specific to L’s particular circumstances.  I guarantee you 1) your circumstances are very different  and 2) even if they seem similar on the surface, odds are that each successful search will have to follow its’ own course.

There was nothing predictable about the way our search played out.  Annoying, but true.

A long time ago, I wrote a post about searching HERE.  I just reread it and thought, “Wow, AmFam, if you had followed your own advice this would have been a much less stressful process!”  Rereading it today, I also thought that I was mostly right.  So go there and READ MY ADVICE, then come back and read the additional information I can share today as a success story.

Also, if you aren’t sure if you are ready to search, please read “So You Think You Want To Search“.  I just reread it and agreed with myself again, so obviously you should listen to me. (joking, just joking!)

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Learn from my success (and failures)

Things I would add to that previous post about searching.

-If I were writing it today, I would advise against following a single thread.  Unless you have solid leads, you are wasting very valuable time.  If you can, pursue multiple angles at once.

-In the past year, there has been a virtual explosion in the cottage industry of birthparent searching in China.  And by an explosion, I mean to say the field of “professional searchers” has expanded from zero to three known people who will search (or do some legwork related to searching) for money.   From what I know about the methods of each of these three individuals (none of whom I can or will vouch for), it is extremely unlikely that their methods would have been at all useful in locating L’s family.  That doesn’t mean that their methods won’t work for YOU, but they almost certainly wouldn’t have worked for us.  From what I have heard (from people I know personally working with each of them) methods include posters, media campaigns, internet registries, sending people to talk to foster parents or other local contacts, etc. I can imagine circumstances in which these tactics would work, but they would not have worked for us (though we couldn’t have known that until we actually met L’s family and learned more of their story).

-The success of our search was completely determined by the tenacity of several local contacts.  And by local, I mean local local.  Not just from the same province.

-In one case, the local contact only helped us because I had nurtured that relationship off and on for YEARS with no expectation or hope of that person agreeing to help us search.  Actually, their offer of help was totally a unexpected.  I also invested a lot of energy into educating my contacts about WHY we wanted this information and how we thought it was in L’s best interest to not only know her story but to also know her family.  I think it finally sank in.

-There are a number of ways to make a local contact, but for me, the internet and a talking to a friend of a friend who happened to be from the same area were crucial.

-There were clues in L’s paperwork.  Nothing obvious, but inconsistencies and illogical information is definitely noteworthy.  For example, we know for a fact that L was never “found” at her finding location.  We found tiny bit of info in her paperwork that helped us confirm our suspicions and then we sent someone to the finding location to see if there was any evidence of an abandoned baby there.  No one anywhere nearby had heard anything about a baby.  In a small town, that says a lot.   And while she wasn’t “found” there, she definitely had a connection to that location which was hugely important.  When I was visiting the area this trip, I visited a friend’s child’s finding location with my guide and found someone who vaguely remembered hearing that someone found a baby in that area.  To me, that points toward the truthfulness of that child’s information.  It isn’t certain, but it gives a direction to follow.  I had also visited other finding locations when we traveled to adopt L and found people who remembered one of the babies.  To me, these two clues (plus the success of our search) would point toward at least some honesty in the paperwork from L’s orphanage.  If I were another family searching from the same area, I would take note.  On the other hand, if I found evidence that other families had obviously falsified information, I would also keep that information in mind.

-That brings me to another bit of advice:  Research your child’s orphanage.  Many orphanages post finding ads on the internet, or rather the papers they post them in do.  You can find them by putting the orphanage’s name (in chinese!) into Baidu and Google.  Find one set of ads and you can use the format to go backwards by changing the dates (I use month and year changes and it works great.)  I have  every finding ad (without pictures) from L’s orphanage since her adoption.  I confirmed that information with an outside source (who does not expect money in exchange for information), so I know my information is accurate.  From that, I created a map of finding locations that gave me a good idea of where I should search if I had to do it on foot.  By collecting this information, I knew that some information given to me by someone else was somewhat accurate and somewhat inaccurate.

-Ask questions, but VERIFY INDEPENDENTLY if possible.  There are a people out there claiming to be “experts”.  Odds are they don’t your child’s story.  Just like in every other country on the planet there are a variety of reasons why a family/mother might not be able or willing to raise a child.  Patterns are not reliable when you are talking about real live people living real life lives.  Increased chances, yes.  Sure things? Nope.  If you are basing your search on a pattern but not on the actual information in front of you, you might miss the tree for the forest.

-You have to TRUST your contact.  This is your representative in China.  This person has your child’s information and can use it as he/she wishes.  Never give anyone all the information. You need to be able to verify the truth of the story.  You need to be able to talk to your searcher/contact about what you are comfortable with.  Also, you need to be cognizant of what YOUR CONTACT is comfortable with.  Our contact was slow, but meticulous.  When our timeline for traveling to China was short, I think it was the threat of a media campaign or poster campaign that got a much faster result than we would have otherwise.  Our contact was afraid the family would never come forward if things were so public. We shared those concerns (as well as concerns about L’s privacy), but our window of opportunity was shrinking rapidly.

-DO NOT let someone poke around if you don’t TRUST them to keep your wishes for confidentiality and/or discretion in mind.  Once your child’s story is out there, it is out there.  Keep in mind your contact/searcher’s own agenda.  There is a lot of guanxi going back and forth in the relationship with our local contact and I will admit it is a hassle.  But that guanxi allows me to trust that our contact would do their best to help us because some day we will do the same for them.  If I could have just paid someone money, I would have gladly done it.  Instead, we are navigating the treacherous (to me) waters of guanxi.  I don’t know we might be asked to repay this debt, but odds are that we will be asked to do something.  In its own screwy way, guanxi is safer than someone who is working for money or their own agenda.

-If you are using money as an excuse for not searching, you are lying to yourself.  This search cost us next to nothing (except guanxi).  I know other people who have had success with similarly limited financial investment.  On the other hand, you might throw thousands of dollars into a search and still find nothing.  But it doesn’t have to cost much at all.  We pay for some very, very cheap translation help because I hate imposing on my Chinese-writing friends, but if I had to I could ask them to help for free.  And one of the fears that made us reluctant to search was a fear that L’s family would ask us for financial help. But that couldn’t have been further from the reality.  In fact, they gave each of our girls a red envelope for new years’ with a significant amount of money in it.  They also insisted on paying for a number of the things we did together during our meeting.  They were clearly so grateful that L was being cared for and loved they wanted to show their appreciation.

-That being said, you can’t know how you will feel after you locate the birth family until it actually happens.  Before, we thought we would bring L to China about every 3 years.  Now, I am contemplating yearly visits (probably just with L and I) so she can see her family more often.  Even that isn’t enough and I know it.  There are such complex emotions in this situation, I still have to sort them all out.   I also know we have to up the ante on her Chinese lessons.  How, I am not sure yet, but we are going to have to figure it out.  These things cost money, but I believe they are in L’s best interest.  Doing the right thing isn’t always free.

- And there is also an emotional investment that we are making in this relationship.  I am so very fortunate to have a number of people who have walked a similar path supporting us (both in searching and in reunion).  I have always ALWAYS believed that knowing her family is the right thing for L, even when I wasn’t sure that searching was my right or prerogative.  If you aren’t 100% certain your family could rise to the challenges of both searching and creating a relationship with a birth family (or dealing with negative things you might find), I wouldn’t do it.

-edited to add this one because I forgot: Don’t get hung up on trying to find ONE piece of paper.  What are the odds a police report is going to have the key?  Pretty low.  I would say probably less than 5%, if that.  Sure, maybe you want that ONE thing, whether it is an orphanage file or a police report or whatever, but assume each path is NOT the key.  Assume you need to be working on multiple angles at once.  Tearing your hair out over your inability to get one piece of paper is a waste of time.  Odds are the orphanage paperwork doesn’t have the key. It may have clues, but in MOST CASES, it won’t do more than point you in a general direction (and sometimes in the WRONG direction).  More often than not, documentation will close more paths for your than it will open.  Don’t be discouraged, the more avenues that you eliminate, the more likely you are to find the right one.

-If you are ready to search, the #1 most important thing you can do is believe that it is possible.  No matter WHAT your child’s story is, there is a possibility of success.  When you find a closed door, try another door.  And another door. And another door.  Try going big.  Try going through the back door.  Try looking in every single village nearby.  I have been collecting info since before we met L. From the minute I got her referral paperwork (before it even occurred to me to search!) I was collecting information about L and her story.  It has been FOUR YEARS of working off and on.   It could take 10 years, but you have to believe it is possible.  All it takes is making ONE CONTACT with someone who can help you or who knows one thread of the bigger story.  Ok, maybe that is too simple. In some cases you will have to pull together a number of threads to get to the truth. But if you aren’t tenacious, you will never find anyone.

I feel like I am talking myself in circles.  I can’t t share any specifics of our search, but if you have general questions, I will try to answer them.

Also, I will post some important info we learned about DNA testing, but this post is already too long.

Edited to add:  There is more about searching in my Open International Adoption category, over there on the right hand sidebar.