Please read Part 1 and Part 2 first.
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I brought Mr. A in to look at the pictures.
“Do you think it is really them?” I asked.
“Uh, I don’t know? Maybe?” he said.
I kept looking at the pictures. Maybe I could see a little bit of L here or there. Maybe not.
As that day went by, strange things started to happen when I looked at L. It was like little features of her face would almost pop out at me. Parts of her where she resembled the man in the pictures. Parts of her that looked like the little girl. She would make a certain expression and I would see her brother or her sister echoed in her face. She would turn her head and I would see them.
It was the strangest sensation.
Here is a little girl I know intimately. I know every curve and every freckle. I know her face better than I know my own, but it was like I was seeing her for the first time. It was a powerful, powerful feeling.
And the more I looked at the pictures of L’s family, the more I could see her in there. I put pictures of L as a toddler next to her brother and I was shocked to see how similar they looked in some ways. They both had exactly the same S-shaped curve around their chubby cheeks. They had the same distinctive, full, cupid’s bow lips. Their little button noses were just the same.
Soon, I couldn’t look at L without seeing her family written all over her face.
Emotionally, I was whipped back the other direction from the feelings I had when I originally opened the pictures:
How could I have hard feelings towards this man who is so much a part of the little girl I love? How could I fault them for loving their son who is so very similar to the little girl I love myself? How could they not love the perfect daughter they kept? Of course they do.
It was a lot to process.
But at the end of the day, there was no way to deny it. This was L’s family.
L’s story was being rewritten and I was no longer the storyteller. She doesn’t have a fairytale family and an everyday family. She has two families, both real and human. Her mother and her father are not saint or villains. They are just people. Even though I always knew that, it was like my heart didn’t really believe it was true.
Names and faces. They change everything.
[...] Names and Faces (pt.1) » « Name and Faces (pt. 3) [...]
Oh my god, this series is a stunning piece of writing. I love it. Even though I already know a lot of what happened, reading it in this format lets me see it from another angle. Thanks for letting us into the journey.
I admire your personal fortitude. I think I would have plopped them right squarely into the “villain” category for good once I realized that they kept not only the brother but the *sister too* and abandoned L to the orphanage of dysfunction.
I hope to God they had a really, really good reason to do so and it’s just something you’re not telling. Otherwise …
I was going to ask whether you could share if L was given up for adoption because of the laws/politics or was it for personal reasons. You’re right that we tend to romanticize the reasons behind why a child was given for adoption. Regardless, I imagine either way it’s not an easy decision to make and/or live with.
amazing story. Do you remember years ago when i met a Chinese family in the paint department at the reno store? That changed my life. They were middle class, had managed to immigrate to Canada with their 2 older children, but were completely broken about the one they had abandoned (their word), who had been born after their paper work was completed. Only to arrive in Canada and learn of international adoption for the first time and then look into the faces of all of our daughters, mine included, looking for theirs. They were broken people. People who had made a heart-wrenching decision. Luckily for me, I met them early on. It changed the evil-face for me. Mothers and fathers became equal. I’m not saying nobody plays a part in this, they do. But in that case, the decision to give their 2 first borns a life outside China, I understood that.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. What an experience!
This is really really beautiful, thanks for sharing. I just adore that quotation from Zora Neale Hurston that you used in the first part. I never read her work, but I think I totally should.
It’s amazing how we can change so dramatically when we learn and truly incorporate certain new information & thinking into our lives. Wow! I can’t wait to hear more.
No words…thank you for sharing your perspective while allowing L to own her story.
This might not be appropriate to ask and I apologize ahead of time
1) Why did they give up L?
2) Have you considered “returning” them to her and helping them out with the money?
I apologize once again Amber if I cause you any hurt.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Thanks for your writing.
At some point I’d love to hear how/if meeting L’s family has affected your feelings about IA in general. Not that you have to have a well formed opinion or position, I’m just wondering what reality does to how we think about these things. It is a constant struggle for me. Your story is adding to the mix of thoughts and feelings.
Although this is not about adoption, what you are experiencing reminds me a lot of what Chimamanda Adichie talks about the danger of the single story http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. We use these single stories as a shorthand for understanding one another but in doing so we fail to understand one another as complex people.
It’s so hard to not romanticize or demonize birthparents when we do not know their story. It’s so true that faces of real people really change everything. Thanks again for sharing – it’s a lot of food for thought.
“As that day went by, strange things started to happen when I looked at L. It was like little features of her face would almost pop out at me. Parts of her where she resembled the man in the pictures. Parts of her that looked like the little girl. She would make a certain expression and I would see her brother or her sister echoed in her face. She would turn her head and I would see them.”
That is exactly what my mom said. One day she looked at me and I asked if she ever thought about my parents. She said that whenever she looked at me, she could see my father in me.
These past few posts have left me breathless.
I have exactly the same feelings, about the little girl at home who looks so well cared, about my little girl living in a SWI, about the faces… my daugther looks so much like her mother!!!
Thank you so much for sharing,it helps a lot.
Thank you for sharing all of this.
I feel the same way. When I first saw pics of my son’s mother, I couldn’t tell the resemblance. But a little later I looked at my son and could clearly see his mother in his face. They both have brilliant smiles.
Thank you for sharing these posts–I have read and lingered on every word.
Kelly
Thank you so much for sharing this. Wow. A lot of thoughts and feelings swarming around my head right now. I can’t imagine what it was like for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thought processes.