Dear House

Dear House,

I know you are 84 years old.  I appreciate that you are quite sturdy for an old house.  Your foundation, roof and even the walls are in great shape (knock on wood).  I will give you a pass for the squirrel living in the garage and even for the leaky basement because we fixed both of those problems with minimal cost and time investment.

We do have a problem we need to discuss though.  Why is it you insist on making every easy cosmetic project just a teeny tiny bit more of a pain in the ass and more expensive than is really necessary?

First there was the perfectly functional but ugly toilet replacement.  That required not only a new commode, but also a new flange.  Then there was the ugly half bath sink replacement that took four visits from the plumber and three different wall mounted sinks because your plumbing is weird.   And don’t get me started on all the problems with paint colors on your weird walls that seem to make every paint color completely different as soon as they go on the wall.  That has cost me a billion dollars and many, many hours trying different paints.

I could forgive all those, but if you are gearing up to make this kitchen remodel a total hassle, we are going to brawl.  Today, the plumber came to replace one standard size kitchen sink with another standard size kitchen sink.  Should be easy, no?  NO.  Once they pulled out the old sink, we discovered the hole for the old sink was too big.  This wasn’t a huge deal with the old sink because it weighed 10 lbs.   The new sink? It weighs 127 pounds.  It actually needs a half inch of support on each side so it doesn’t slip into the hole and , I don’t know, kill someone or make their foot crushed and requiring amputation.

That leaves me with several options: A) New countertops. NO.  B) New sink? No, because how can I ship the other one back? It was free shipping on the way here, but unlikely it would be free the other way.  Or C) Jerry-rig the stupid sink hole by adding a small strip of wood to each side (which will be hidden under the rim).

Likely we are going with C, but you have pushed me to my limit.  I will give in on this stupidity, but if you think I am going to put up with this kind of crap when we tear up the kitchen floor, you have another thing coming.

If you don’t get in line, I am going to sell you to someone with an incontinent cat that will ruin your lovely old hardwood floors.

Sincerely, AmFam