Siobhan asks:

One aspect that has influenced my attitude to searching (beyond my prior misconception that it simply wasn’t possible) is that what my daughter’s birth parents did is a crime in China, and, by finding them, it could be putting them in a difficult-to-dangerous situation. I would appreciate it if AmFam could touch on it, since she has had a successful search. I think it is a valid concern, not an excuse, but if I am off base that this is an issue for birth parents in China, I’d like to know. Thanks.

I get the concern about the birthfamily’s safety, I really do. But I think that concern is more about us projecting our prejudices and imaginings about China and Chinese culture more than it is about reality.

Heaven is High and the Emperor is Far Away.

China is a REALLY REALLY big country.  The laws are passed by the national government, but they are enforced by local officials.  The authoritarian national government weighs heavy in the mind of foreigners, but it is the local officials that choose to enforce or not enforce those laws. I have never heard of a case of birth parents being prosecuted for abandonment at all (please feel free to correct me if I am wrong!), never mind being prosecuted many years after the fact.

In almost all cases of Chinese officials  doing terrible things to individuals, it is a random local dude who went off half-cocked on his own agenda or for his own gain.  The exception being situations where the central government seems to believe their own power is being threatened (e.g. crackdowns following talk of democracy protests, etc.).

China is like anywhere else: People know how to negotiate their way around the law when they want and they figure out what lines they can’t cross.   If we assume most of these birth families were violating the one child policy as Kay Johnson suggests, they were already obviously breaking the law with the pregnancy.  I honestly don’t think most birth families are hiding out during the pregnancy, I think they were waiting to see what happened and prepared to pay the fine if they got a boy. When that baby disappeared, I think it is safe to say that most villagers/officials/friends/family assumed that the baby was adopted out or abandoned.  If your pregnant neighbor came home from the hospital with no baby, wouldn’t everyone know?

When I met Mr. A’s family in Taiwan, he made a very insightful comment about China.  He said “In Taiwan, we have a Japanese heart. To get ahead, you have to follow the rules.  In China, if you follow the rules, you lose.  You have to break the rules to succeed.”  I think this is the calculation birth families (especially those hoping for a boy or a NSN child) are making.  Have you ever seen the traffic in China? If you follow the traffic laws, you will never get where you need to go.

So are birth families criminals because they “abandoned*” their children?  Yes and no.  Who is going to prosecute these families for abandonment?  It would have to be the local police.  What would they possibly have to gain when most people in China were trying to game themselves?  The existence of orphanages seems to make most Chinese feel China is losing face, but if you ask them about their own family members who had to make choices to negotiate the family planning laws, they are much more understanding of individual circumstances.

The key in China is allowing everyone to save face. When searching, it has to be done in a way that doesn’t blame anyone for the situation (one child policy, abandonment, orphanage conditions, etc.).  The family has to be able to save face AND local officials need to be able to save face if you want any hope of success.

It has to be discreet.  If you have to approach local officials for information, you can’t do it in an accusatory way.  This has to be a win-win opportunity for them, otherwise you will get nowhere.

If you find a birth family, you can’t rub their existence (or that of your child) in the nose of the local police (i.e. If I found them, why didn’t your investigation find them.)  In a case where posters or other kinds of public advertising is necessary, it needs to provide a way for the family to make contact in private.

When our contact approached L’s family, they were a little freaked out.  Our contact assured them we were only interested in getting to know them privately, we weren’t angry, we weren’t involving local authorities.  We let them decide where and how we would meet.  We put the ball in their court with respect to visiting their home (not at this time) and telling their friends and family (close friends and family know).  We are careful not to do anything that would draw unnecessary attention (e.g. sending packages from the US when they have never received any before).

How is anyone going to know the nature of our relationship unless we broadcast it far and wide?   Even if we did broadcast it, would NOT prosecuting the birth family cause the local officials to lose face?  It seems like prosecution might be a big opportunity for them to lose face if the media (local, national or god-forbid international) found out they were trying to send the participants of a happy reunion to jail. This isn’t to say that a local official might not go off half cocked and do something crazy if they have a personal vendetta or something, but I really believe in most cases it is very unlikely.

News stories about adoptees and adoptive families searching are all over the Chinese press right now.  They are being written, as far as I can tell, in a positive light.  If the (big G) Government didn’t want that to happen, it would be “harmonized“.   I tend to think that stories about average, every day abandonments due to family planning are not causing China to lose face.  They don’t really care that the OCP is a hum+an rights violation, they see it as necessary for progress and our kids as the accidental fallout.  The publication of stories of babies being confiscated and/or trafficked, though, that is a loss of face they seem to care about (at least a little…when it is actually in the press…and when it is riling the Chinese masses as it has been for the past few weeks.)

That being said, I do think there is a significant risk for Chinese searchers poking around in places where really egregious, illegal things were going on.  Areas where child trafficking, confiscations, etc. brought kids to orphanages, are likely to put pressure or cause problems for anyone who is trying to find out the truth.  I also think in some areas officials might be AFRAID illegal things happened and someone will find out, so they will cause problems for searchers.  You have to trust your searcher to know how to deal with local officials and to look out for his/her own personal wellbeing.  And say that searcher found an obvious case of someone selling their baby, AND that became public knowledge? Well, then the local officials might feel they have to do something about it like prosecuting a birth family.

This is a long way of saying this:

1. I don’t think the risk of birth families going to jail or paying a fine is very significant.
2. The people who are most at risk for problems are searchers, but they should know how to work in their local environment.
3. I think discretion is good for everyone.
4. Remember to allow everyone to save face.

*For the record, I don’t believe any more that many of our children are actually abandoned.

Sylvia asked a good question in the comments of the last post:

I have really enjoyed reading about your family.  you have opened my eyes to the possibilities as well as the emotions that are swirling around this topic.  As a waiting parent is there any thing I should do when we are traveling to china to get our daughter.  If you could do it all again, and this time start before you even pick her up, would you do any thing differently?

We did start collecting info before we traveled.  We traveled early, hired a private guide and visited L’s finding location and orphanage BEFORE we met her.  Seeing these places gave us important context into her history and we weren’t at the whim of a tour group’s timeline and/or agenda  to visit.  We also got a copy of her finding ad before we received our full referral info

You should view your adoption trip as an opportunity to collect information, even if you don’t think you will search. Your child will be fresh in everyone’s mind at that moment.

Information you can gather in China:

• Visit the finding location. Talk to as many people around there as possible.  Leave your contact information (have a card printed up) with anyone you meet.
• Ask anyone you meet for their business card and/or email address.  If they don’t have that, ask if they have a cell phone number you can use later if you want to ask questions about the area.  Ask nannies, orphanage staff, taxi drivers, hotel workers, locals, anyone.   You never know who might offer to help you.
• When you get home, contact anyone you met.  You don’t have to immediately start pumping the for info.  Try to create some relationships in your child’s area.  Gradually begin to educate these people about why you want more info about your child’s background.
• Give good (memorable) gifts to officials/foster family that include your family’s photo and contact info.
• Talk to locals about the circumstances (family planning campaign, etc) that might have been going on when your child was abandoned.
• Scour your referral documents (and have someone who does not work at your agency check the translation). Insist on getting answers from orphanage officials for any inconsistencies you find.
• If you are not given the foster family’s contact information, demand it.  Do whatever you can to get that information. Have a preprepared and translated letter ready for them telling them you really want to keep in touch with them.

If at all possible, try to do as much as you can BEFORE you get your kid. It is virtually impossible to think of much after you meet.  Don’t be afraid to separate from your group and go out with your own guide.  Agencies have a vested interest in not letting you rock the boat.  Always be polite, but don’t be afraid to pressure people for more information.  That information belongs to your child.