Would an L by any other name smell as sweet?

A new post today by Meiling at Exiled Sister reminded me that I had previously intended to write a post about my angst about L’s name. I also read this post she linked to which is critical of adoptive parents’ naming/renaming choices, which made me think this is probably a post that will draw some criticism, but I am going to share our story anyway.

Before we get started, please refer back to this post to see what we had originally decided and our reasoning when we adopted L. Go ahead. I will wait a minute.

In an effort to make this very confusing issue less so, I am going to assign pseudonyms so you can see what the heck I was trying to say. (To be clear, these are not L’s names, but they are similar in ease/difficulty of spelling, pronunciation etc. They probably don’t make sense as actual Chinese names.)

Let’s just say L’s orphanage name was Yu Qiuling (Yu being her family name). Qiuling was just an ok, but not really “good” chinese name according to native speakers. We could live with that. Mr. A was adament that we not keep the name Qiuling (pronounced Chee -Oh Ling. Mispronounced as Queeeooooh by people not familiar with pinyin) as her primary name because it was hard to spell and pronounce correctly for most Americans. I think he was also afraid it would mark her has a recent immigrant. As the only adult Asian in our house and as the person who has experienced racism his entire life, I figured his opinion carried a lot more weight in this one vote than mine did.

At his behest, I chose a name like Rebecca. We chose to keep her entire orphanage name, but switched the order in case she decided she wanted to hyphenate her family names. We also gave her Mr. A’s family name.

We will say her name them became

Rebecca Qiuling Yu Lee

Right before we adopted her, but AFTER we filled out all our legal paperwork (which felt like the point of no return, but in retrospect probably could have been changed in China), we found out she was called Lingling, the diminutive of Qiuling. You will see in the previous post, we both thought Lingling was a fine name. Chinese, but easy to pronounce and spell. We have never called her anything but Lingling. Lingling Lee is how everyone knows her. She knows her full name, but doesn’t seem especially interested in her other names in any way shape or form.

Fastforward four years. We locate her birth family. The first things we found out about them was their names and their children’s names. Let’s say her father’s family name is Chu. When we met them in person, we asked if they had chosen a name for L before she went to the orphanage. They had. The name shared the same generation name with her older sister (let’s call her Anming) and was a lovely name. Let’s say they named L Anmei.

In the midst of all the overwhelming emotions and processing related to opening L’s adoption, her name loomed large. What do we do now?

Should we take away her her orphanage name and replace it with her birth name? Do we remove Rebecca (which she at age 5 neither cares about nor uses and for the record I could care less about myself because she is so very much a Lingling) and change it to Qiuling Anmei Chu Lee? Qiuling Chu Lee? Or god forbid, Rebecca Qiuling Yu Anmei Chu Lee? Lingling Anmei Lee?

I had always said I never wanted to take any names away from L, but it seems completely illogical to force the poor kid to have SIX names.

To add another level of complication, her birth family also knows her and refers to her as Lingling. On the other hand, if we changed her name to include their name or names, it would be clear to them how important we feel her connection to their family is.

I know it sounds like a lot of angst over something that could be nothing, but it felt like such a huge overwhelming responsibility. I lost many nights’ sleep trying to figure out what to do.

I finally had to decide to table thoughts of legally changing L’s name right now. I just don’t know which ones will be the most meaningful to her in the future. I hope she chooses to keep Mr. A’s family name in some way (hypenated? last name? Middle name?), because it means a lot to him, but most of all I just want her to be happy and comfortable with her names.

My current thought is that we set an age at which she can decide on her name and we can go through the legal process of changing it (if she wants to). It would probably be easiest before she gets a driver’s license and other adult legal documents that would also need to be changed. (She already has a passport, SSN etc. so it will definitely still require some work.)

What age? 13? 15? 16? After she demonstrates a consistent desire one specific combination for 2 years?

I don’t know.

P.S. I know this doesn’t really address Meiling’s post or the issues she is facing at all. Her post just reminded me that I meant to write about naming from my point of view. In all of this overthinking, I always assume L will keep Lingling as her everyday name or maybe Anmei. I would actually prefer it if she chose those names. If I had to choose the easiest name to drop, it would be Rebecca, the one name I actually chose myself, but maybe one day she will really want a solidly “american” name. Argh. There is just no way to know what she will want.

Rachel (Hounds in the Kitchen)

June 15, 2011 at 3:13 am · Reply

I think you are right to wait until she can both have an opinion and witness the difficulty of changing names, should she decide in that direction. I would think that early teens might be when she would have the best feel for her ‘self’ before the peer pressure of high school. She could always elect to change names again as an adult.

Mary

June 15, 2011 at 3:19 am · Reply

The pseudonyms really cleared things up. I understand why you would want to keep all the names, but I also understand why she cannot have 6 names. Since you and L have no attachment to Rebecca, I’d probably ditch that. It seems like the best thing to do is to represent all 3 of her families (you mentioned this before). Something like Qiuling Anmei/Chu Lee. And perhaps ask her birth family whether Anmei or Chu has more meaning to them? An issue with this is that if she wants to be “American,” having 3 solid Chinese names may not be the best thing for her. Upon hearing her name, I would (in the least judgmental way) think she was an immigrant, something that would be cleared up upon meeting her. This reminds me of the (culturally insensitive) Seinfeld episode. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Chinese_Woman
Anyway, I think that setting an age would be good, probably more the 2 years after she has decided thing. I don’t know if I should have decided something so important at age 13! Either way, I don’t see her having the same guilt issues that Meiling has because you are obviously open to many combinations. The only problem may be if she chooses not to have Mr. A’s last name. With your views on parenting, I am sure your children will turn out to be mature, thoughtful, respectful adults. =)
p.s. I know an adult asian adoptee named something like “Lotus” and it frequently makes me cringe.

ShariE

June 15, 2011 at 4:09 am · Reply

I have always hated my name. I have never felt like it fit me. I also have a first and last name that are impossible to spell. My parents fought between Sara and Sharie and my dad won. They picked the spelling because my sister was writing a letter to a friend the day I was born and that’s how she spelled it.
That said my #1 concern was choosing a name for my child that was easy to spell/say. I always wanted an Emily Ann. My grandpa was Emil, my middle name is Ann.
Emily was the #1 name in the country the year I adopted and several years prior, so it was out. Ann was out because I did want to keep her Chinese name as her middle name. I spent hours pouring over names both Chinese and English. I landed on Amelia b/c I heard someone talking about her daughter on TV and I loved the name. It is also a derivative of Emil so it was perfect.
Amelia is an Amelia, but even more she is an Amelia Hua Xi. When I just did her state adoption we talked about changing her name to incorporate her entire Chinese name, but she did not want that. I told her that if she wants to change it when she is older I will help her. Yet I know the same things that have kept me from changing my name (just the spelling) will keep her from changing hers. The hassle, making me feel bad, getting people to use a new name, etc.
Because I have never felt like my name fit me, I completely understand how an adoptee may want to keep their name; however as a person whose name has never been spelled or pronounced correctly I just couldn’t give her a name she would become frustrated with either. It’s such a hard decision.

beep

June 15, 2011 at 7:18 am · Reply

Tabling an issue that is driving you crazy but not urgent seems sensible, as does waiting until L can have some input herself. However, I was very drawn to the idea of changing her name now to include some or all of her birth name, as a way to connect her to her birth family and for them to feel your commitment to doing so. I have to say that when I see a name like Rebecca combined with Chinese middle and last names, I don’t neccessarily think “more American” because I’ve known several Chinese immigrants (or even Chinese in China who are serious students or speakers of English) who took English names informally or formally and use them when speaking English. I agree, however, that it’s important to think about what her legal name telegraphs to others when it’s used in semi-legal contexts like applications, resumes, and class rosters.

Krickett

June 15, 2011 at 11:49 am · Reply

For whatever its worth I would let her make the decision when she is of an age to legally change it. From the time I was born I was always called Krickett. I remember feeling very empowered when I discovered I could make “Krickett” legal. Our daughter has the name we’ve given her and her orphanage name. If we discover her birth parents name for her we will honor that also. But as our daughter had very little power in her circumstance I think I will let her choose her name identity when she if of an age to do so.

Vicky

June 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm · Reply

I have no answers for you but just wanted to comment how fascinating and complex all of this is, for all of us with adopted kids but particularly for you with this new information. Your angst over this is totally justified; our names are so important! I continue to have angst over our naming decision and although I agonized over it back then, now with more hindsight and experience, I wish I had agonized over it even a bit more.

June 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm · Reply

Sara

June 15, 2011 at 4:52 pm · Reply

I would change it to Lingling Anmei Chu Lee.. the real names correspondent to this, of course… it makes all the sense to me.. and she has the perfect age for changing them now… she keeps what she feels her name and the link with her birth family… Lingling is also her link with the orphanage… so that would be my reasons…

amber

June 15, 2011 at 6:19 pm · Reply

when i turned 12 my mom asked me if i wanted to take Anne, her family middle name, as my second middle name. i did, so we did some paperwork, went to court, and it was no big deal, but i love having a second middle name that connects me even more with my family (i am not adopted). i think it would be great to offer L (and M) the option to change their names at any time as they get older if they want to to reflect their family associations. it was pretty empowering at 12 to do it, but i was ready and it felt right. maybe it won’t be important to them or maybe it will be everything. only they can decide.
and i agree with Vicky about how fascinating this whole experience is. i really appreciate the thought you put into the blog and how you share it all. thanks!

cebii

June 15, 2011 at 7:09 pm · Reply

Our rule has always been that they can change their name at 18, if they want. This started because the older kids aged out of foster care at 18. By that age, they can reason a bit for themselves, and it gives them a sense of power over their lives. I think you should wait until she is grown and let her decide. If she had a horrible, scary name it might be different.

Jill

June 16, 2011 at 12:15 am · Reply

I have a similar problem with my husband. He had an English name when I met him and I have always called him by that name. When we first came to Canada we introduced him to everyone by his English name. A few years ago he decided he wants to be known by his Chinese (true) name and started to introduce himself to new people by his Chinese name. I get it and totally support him in wanting to use his own name. The problem is that no one can say his name properly and it annoys me everytime someone says it incorrectly. Plus I have known and loved him for more than ten years with his English name and just can’t seem to call him by his Chinese one even though I can say it correctly. Changing names is difficult!!! We gave our daughter a Chinese middle name and her Chinese family call her by her family name and her middle name together. I also gave her a very long English first name that can be shortened many different ways figuring that someday it will give her some choice. Interesting topic!!

June 16, 2011 at 2:12 am · Reply

Greetings. I am a newcomer to your blog (but have devoured it by now). This is my first comment. I am also a fellow international adoptive mom — of two brothers from Ukraine. They were 3.5 and 5.25 yo when they joined our family. Finally, I am a transplanted American, living in Canada, and participating in Amn politics through Dems Abroad. (I appreciate pretty much everything you write about international adoption, race and culture, open international adoption, and politics and social justice. Thanks for being such a strong voice.)

The name thing has been a biggie in our family. Our boys had Ukrainian names from their birth mother (don’t think father was ever in the picture, at least according to the official story we’ve managed to acquire so far). They lived by those names until we adopted them. So it was a no-brainer (at least to us) to keep those names. We also loved that those names were literally the only thing they still had from their birth mom. However, we had to decide whether or not to anglicize them. We decided to anglicize them. Both of them were easy names to anglicize. We then selected middle names for them that had meaning to us, and by a coin toss they got my husband’s last name. In this process, we dropped their birth surname and their patronymic. As you can imagine, we didn’t make any of these decisions lightly. A name, for an adoptee, is surely an important thing and may carry tremendous significance.

To come to the question you raised concerning when to consult L about her name preferences and when to make any legal name changes, I am wondering why you haven’t taken up this subject with her already. (Forgive me if you have and I missed that somewhere in your blog.) We started having conversations on this topic with our boys almost from the very beginning. It was sort of a part of their adoption story, I guess. Also, they starting showing an interest in the subject of their names pretty early on. We have told them all along that our decisions weren’t easy, we have explained the reasons for the decisions we made, and we have told them that if they ever decide they don’t like our decisions they can change their names legally and we will help them but that we think it would be wise on their part to be unhasty in their deliberations. (Our kids are now 11 and 9 and so far there have been a couple different preferences expressed but no pressure for any changes over the 6.5 years they’ve been ours.) These discussions have not been difficult ones for any of us, I don’t think. I would think that with L you have several “phases” of thinking about her name that it would make an interesting saga for her to absorb and think about. Our two haven’t seemed to see their name stories as anything trying or stressful. They understand cultural upheaval and cultures having a geography (or whatever), and they have been able to make links between those subjects and our decisions/thoughts/hopes about their names and their feelings about their names.

Anyway, I really just wanted to say that if I were you I wouldn’t be afraid to bring this up with L early on. She may have some thoughts on the subject that impress you!

Elaine

June 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm · Reply

I think it is a very good idea to give kids a range of options in their name, and the option to change it – after they’ve gotten beyond the really questionable name choices of most adolescents.

I also have to admit, with great shame, that I (heh, I tried to delete that I and make it ‘we’, but it was me) gave my girls 6 names. And one of them- my last name- is 14 letters long. My oldest daughter has 32 letters in her name and the initials ZWXZSW. Little sis is LJQQSW. Try fitting that on a sweater.

June 16, 2011 at 10:13 pm · Reply

Great post. It is something I have agonized over, but for a different reason: we completely renamed our son. I initially wanted to keep his name as his middle name, because his paperwork said that that was the name his mother gave him, but when we went to pick him up, the orphanage told us that THEY named him, and my husband didn’t want to keep the orphanage name. In addition, much like L’s name, it is hard to pronounce – even I can’t say it right. At the orphanage his nickname was the Taiwanese word for “handsome one” – again, something I can’t pronouce myself, so we never really called him that either.

In hindsight, though, after reading adoptee blogs, I wish we had kept some form of his name. If he wants to change his name later I would totally pay for it.

lisa

August 5, 2011 at 8:13 pm · Reply

I agonized over this as well, and decided to not keep her orphanage name, partly because she was several months old when she was given it. Thus, I chose a Chinese name myself, thinking she should have a Ch name that was chosen with as much love and thought as the one she presumably had before she came to the orphanage. Guess what we call her? Yup, she doesn’t even recognize the Ch name I gave her, we always use the orphanage nickname (which sounds like baby talk to Americans, but we don’t care).
My mother offered to change my name for me after my father died (he chose it, and I loved the one she chose). I ended up just changing the pronunciation, and it all worked. Some times, I wish I had accepted her offer, but it felt too complicated.

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Would an L by any other name smell as sweet?

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