Since I am just throwing up links to other places, anyone wanna talk about a recent post at Rumor Queen: Finding Each Other
I am very conflicted when I read random discussion by adoptive parents about Chinese birth families. I mean, I am glad the topic is coming up. On the other hand, as someone who spent four years working on our search, it is so clear that the average adoptive parent has no effing idea what to do with the whole idea of birth family contact. People are freaking out because there is a teeny tiny chance the birthparents are coming! The birthparents are coming!
I can’t help but read these posts about “privacy” as anything but terror that the adoptive parent is going to lose control over their child and/or they might be dethroned from their comfey role as the only parents in their children’s everyday lives.
And honestly? Both of those fears are well-founded.
I posted a rambling comment over there, but it is still awaiting moderation. I don’t know if it will ever get posted.
Do we wanna talk about it here? Is the summer too enjoyable for such handwringing and worry?
PS. I see I am getting a lot of hits now that my comment is finally posted over at RQ. For those of you looking for more info about finding our daughter’s birth family, you might want to check out my Open International Adoption category.
This topic hits home with us now. Next month 200 posters are going up in our child’s finding region to locate birth parents. A hundred possible outcomes are going through my mind and I worry because not one of them is that we WON’T be successful in finding her birthparents. I don’t know my next steps if we don’t hear anything.
As to the talk at Rumor Queen, I wonder if those folks that are so afraid to pursue this, so fearful of bio parents finding their child, only have children through adoption. I can see that years of trying to get pregnant and having that either not succeed or failing would make one be so protective so that nothing possible could threaten (granted in their minds) their sole relationship with their child. Just a thought, I don’t know if this could be a factor. We thought long and hard over finding our daughters birthparents. In the end it was the moment I envisioned of my daughter coming to me with questions and us either having or not having the answers. Not having any answers seemed neglectful in her emotional development and I can’t stop putting myself in her bio parents shoes. I’d want to know how she is doing.
Sorry so long. I tend to read blogs with my first morning cup of coffee. I know I should always wait until I’m fully awake to respond but, well, good intentions and all…..
How can I contact you off line. I saw your post on RQ and MUST get in touch!!!
Wow. This is… interesting.
Considering that just last night an acquaintance & her son brought over a [native] Taiwanese friend who is practically offering me a return trip to Taiwan on a platter this coming fall when she goes back to finish up her post-secondary degree, and now my parents are like “You could stay there for a semester, or a year, or whatever, get to know your parents, and come back fully fluent.”
Wonder what some of those adoptive parents would say about this type of conversation? Heh heh.
P.S. Also interesting that you read “privacy” as not-so-thinly veiled terror. I’m actually not getting that vibe… although it could be because I’ve been on Cloud 9 since yesterday evening and my brain has been largely incoherent in forming rational thought.
Hey, good news about your possible time in Taiwan! That sounds like an awesome opportunity!
For the terror, you would need to read the thread in the forum and a previous post where sentiments like this were floating around: “My child’s birth parents had 3 years to come back and claim her. She has now been adopted and that right to come back has now been lost.”
That kind of comment leaves me with my mouth hanging open, especially considering the OCP and the legal ramifications in China.
I read the link that you passed on to someone else.
Then there are the sentiments “Well IF my child wanted to go back that’d be fine” but I get an impression of “What will I do if they decide to do that?!…”
Krickett, I only have a child thru adoption and I did indeed wait a long time to become a mother. And yet I would LOVE to find my daughter’s birthparents. Obviously everyone has their own feelings but just to let you know some of us adoptive-only parents feel no threat at all by finding birthparents.
And yes I agree…it’s based in fear. I am sort of surprised how much fear RQ herself seems to have on this subject as I usually find her pretty open-minded. I find it even more curious that now she has this idea to start her own birthfamily/adoptive family registry – huh? Where did that come from since she has already stated several times her opinion that she will wait til her daughter is 18 and then let her search on her own. It just seems odd that she’s now taken this on as a project.
I *wish* our daughter’s birthfamily would go online with a photo and find us. And I am incensed that a birth parent’s doing so is somehow this huge invasion of privacy while APs are allowed to post all kinds of personal info about their children online and nobody gets up in arms about that. (I said this twice on the RQ blog too so yes I know I’m a broken record!). But I just find it so hypocritical that APs think they have the right to publish anything they want online about their child but birth parents don’t.
Okay, I just realized I was commenting on an entirely other blog entry at RQ so my comment here makes little sense. I was thinking of the post about the birth father searching for his daughter. Oops. Sorry.
No worries. I should have linked to both posts anyway. The one linked in my post above was piggybacking on the previous one here anyway:
http://chinaadopttalk.com/2011/07/16/another-chinese-birthfamily-searching-for-their-daughter/#comments
Ellen,
Please know that my intentions were not to make a sweeping judgement on adoptive only families, nor, was my intention to offend anyone. I, clumsily I admit, only wanted to offer up a possible motivation for the fear some families may have in contacting birth parents. A fear that is maybe not warranted but completely understandable. I am pursuing my daughters birth parents. Its the right choice for me and my family. But to be honest along with being excited and hopeful I also have fears that opening this door could potentially be disruptive and/or harmful to our family. This alone may stop others from doing so.
Krickett, No worries, no offense taken.
I’m a total outsider to the community but from everything I’ve heard and encountered in the infertility world over the past decade, China was long chosen for adoption for two reasons, reliable referrals (ah, the good old days of the early naughts) and the removal of the birthparents from the equation, and best of all, for reasons that couldn’t be blamed on the adoptive parents (those horrible government policies of the Chinese). China meant no birth parents changing their minds, and China meant no birth parents muddying the waters of your parenthood identity.
I’ve run into lots of adoptive parents who realized after adoption that the birthparents weren’t their enemies, and who wanted to break through the anonymity barrier after all, but there are still plenty of parents who like China adoption because it means no birthparent involvement. Those folks would of course be freaked the hell out, right?
Although — what do I know. And uff da on the generalizations I’m making here. But, IN GENERAL….
I’ve been keeping up with the postings on Rumor Queen and would be interested in hearing more from your experience regarding giving out to much personal information while searching. As I’ve noted above we will be having our contact in China put posters up with our information. I am aware that we will need to be watchful in how and who contacts us but after reading your posts I don’t know if we’ve fully educated ourselves in what else to watch for. If you are willing to have further conversation about this my private email is tkmk@att.net.