Yesterday, Mr. a took L on her piggyback bike for a ride on the bike trail. That was where the incident happened.
As he came around a corner, one of two white teenage boys yelled something in Japanese at them, in what he called “a samurai voice”. Mr. A didn’t remember exactly what the kid said, but it went down kind of like this:
“Sayonara konichiwa!” (not really what he said, but I have a very limited Japanese vocabulary myself)
Mr. A kept pedaling for a few strokes, thinking “Am I going to let that go?”
pedal
pedal
pedal
“Nope. I am not going to let it slide this time.”
So he turned his bike (with L on the back) around and went back to the boys. When they saw him coming, Mr. A said the boys’ expressions were clearly saying “OH SHIT!”
At first, Mr. A let himself unload on the kids. They were pretty young and he was quite a bit bigger than them. And he was pissed. I am guessing they were scared stiff. He ordered them off the trail and demanded to know their names.
Then, the non-offending kid threw his friend under the bus. (heh)
“What? He did it! I didn’t do anything! He said it, not me!”
Mr. A then chewed out the kid who did it.
“What did you say? What did you mean by what you yelled at me?!!?”
“I don’t know what it means! It was just something in Japanese! I don’t know!”
“But what MESSAGE were you trying to send by saying that?” Mr. A said.
“Nothing, nothing! I don’t know what it means!” the kid stuttered.
“Were you yelling it because I am ASIAN???”
“No! No! I wouldn’t do that!” the kid said.
The kid looked like he was ready to pee his pants. The denial made Mr. A even more annoyed but he had calmed down a little by that point. He made the kid tell him his name, age (14) where he went to high school, the fact that he is on the cross country team and his phone number.
Then he gave the kid a lecture.
“Listen, you were trying to show off for your friend, but this kind of thing can really have long-term consequences for you. This is the kind of thing that could get you beat up or make you lose your job. Some day, you are going to look back and you are going to be really, really embarrassed by what you did.”
“I am really sorry.” the kid stuttered.
“I am going to call your parents to talk to them about this, because this is serious. Maybe in a few weeks, you and I can sit down over coffee and talk a little more about this situation.”
“Yes sir. Ok. Uh, Can I shake your hand?” the kid asked.
Then Mr. A rode away and promptly forgot the kid’s phone number.
Mr. A and I talked about it a lot last night. To be honest, we mostly talked about it because we thought it was really funny that a scrawny little 14 year old thought he could yell something like that at an adult and get away with it. Neither of us think that this kid is probably a bad kid. He was probably just showing off with his friend and not thinking at all.
On the other hand, L was with Mr. A, so I am not willing to let the kid off with a simple chewing out by Mr. A. Because she is only 5 years old and now I can never think she has never been involved in anything negative because of her race again. That makes me so very sad.
(As an aside, Mr. A asked L if she was scared when he was yelling at the kids and she said no and seemed completely unimpressed. The only thing she asked was “Daddy, what did they say anyway?” He told her they just said something silly and then they got in trouble for it.)
Also, as a parent, I would absolutely want to know if my kid was out in the community making an ass of him or herself. Mr. A agreed that this was a teachable moment and we need to follow up, even though it is a hassle because he forgot the phone number.
Today, Mr. A is going to call the cross country coach and ask him to pass along Mr. A’s phone number to the kid’s parents and request that they call him. (Because Mr. A forgot the phone number.) We will see what, if anything, comes of that.
I am proud of Mr. A for dealing with it and not letting it slide. Last night, when we were talking he said this kind of thing has probably happened to him hundreds of times in the past, but he kept thinking that L was with him, so he went back to yell at the kids.
This is the kind of thing that makes me really, really glad that I am parenting my kids with an adult who has grown up dealing with racism (or as Mr. A prefers to call this, racial incidents.) It is all well and good for me to yell at jackassy teenagers, but it is all the better for L to see how an Asian adult handles it too.
Oh, your husband did exactly as he should. I always wonder why people do not confront issues in young people when they are so much more easily influenced. An adult racist is HARD to change. Well done!
I’m really glad that Mr. A went back and dealt with this, but I have to also say that I would be pretty freaked out if another grown-up talked my kid into giving out personal information. I mean, maybe not as freaked out as I’d be to find out my kid had been yelling racial crap, because I’d want to know that for sure, but give a stranger info about his or her extra-curriculars and phone number?
Truthfully I would NOT want my kids to feel bullied into doing that. Not to someone they did not know.
This is the second time a teenager gave up a name and phone number to one of us after being yelled at. The last time was the kid who almost ran me and the girls down in his car. He coughed up his name and phone number right away.
I would be more pissed if my kid gave a fake name than if they told the truth when they knew they screwed up. When I called the other kid’s mom, I told her she should be proud of him for taking responsibility and being respectful when I yelled at him. I think Mr. A will say something similar to this kid’s parents.
Well, my first hope would be that my kids wouldn’t make those kinds of mistakes. And I would most definitely want to know about it if they did, and hopefully they would cop to it themselves. If a grown-up they knew called me up with any information, I would thank that adult and lay down the consequences to the kid (and I think yours are absolutely spot-on).
But I have had time to fret about this (obviously, because here I am haunting your comments) and I _still_ don’t think I’d want my kids giving out their name/phone number/whatever to an angry unknown adult. I wouldn’t want them to give a false name, either. I would want them to take responsibility for their screw-ups to the person, but I don’t know. Where’s the line between stranger danger and being a forthright person? Not every angry man on a bike trail is going to be Mr. A.
I have to say….as a parent of a 15 year old wiseass, this was my first thought as well. Good for MR A for standing up for himself, but how unsafe for a youngster (idiot or not) to give all his identifying info to an irate stranger.
DUDE. Mr. A is a rockstar. And while I don’t know how that kid’s parents will handle it, I know that I would absolutely want to know if my kids were doing something like that.
Yeah, we talked about it and decided if our kids did something similar, their asses would be doing some volunteer work in the offended community AND they would have to write a letter of apology.
We would absolutely want to know. And if I hear your kid did something like that, I would call you too.
I know you would, which I love. This is the sort of thing that makes our community so great to live in!
Good on Mr. A – I’m glad that it turned out as it did, and def. glad that L didn’t see things as being all that out of the ordinary. As you said, this is likely just the beginning of her ‘racial incidents’ life tally, but I’m still glad that it wasn’t emotionally difficult for her.
Mr. A did the right thing.
When I was a teenager, I yelled a sassy comment at a Man on a bike.. something like ” Hey Mister, Hey… yeah you.. your wheels are spinning”… he came at me, got off his bike, picked me up by my shirt at my neck and dropped me on my butt.
Not appropriate at all.. if that happened now he would have been arrested for assault. He scared me so much… but I never did that again.
I think Mr. A did the right thing, and I hope I would have done the same thing in his position. Hopefully by saying something to kids it got through. I have less faith in adults. We had an incident over a year ago where a family member said things in front of our kids and then argued that it was OK to say them because they are “just words.” We also got the whole, “They’re going to hear it later anyway,” argument. We agreed, and said we would deal with that when it happened, but there was NO WAY they should have to hear it from those closest to them. Our relationship with this person will NEVER be the same.
I sometimes struggle with when to address it and when to let it go. My husband and I have decided thast we absolutely address it when it is a family member, but there are grey areas other times. I think I will add absolutely addressing it when it’s a kid from this point forward.
What 14 year old kid doesn’t have a cell phone on them now? I’d tell them to call their parents on the spot so I could talk with them. No phone number has to be exchanged or name for that matter.
If parents and kids do not want unknown adults reprimanding kids for inappropriate behavior– then kids need to behave appropriately. That is something to teach kids– they don’t like it when we (the paretn reprimands them) how are they going to like it if a different adult reprimands them in public? Honestly, it use to amaze me how often I needed to say something to someone-else’s child because of inappropriate behavior– now it doesn’t even phase me.
I think if these boys didn’t already ‘know’ that he behaved badly, he would not have provided Mr. A with a phone number and personal info– but the boy knew his behavior was bad and I think he felt guilty about it. A form of repenting. I think if the boy had been randomly asked for personal info by an adult– then the boy would have been more likely to walk away and not give any info. In this case, the boy knew he was wrong.
Kudos to Mr. A my husband is Thai and when he goes out walking he occasionally has things yelled at him that are clearly racial slurs. It is always kids and he never really feels like he can do anything about it as they are in cars driving by. A few times it has been kids walking past him and those he sometimes chooses to confront. Most of the time they end up running away scared and I say good for him they need to be scared and maybe they will think twice about doing it the next time. Most of them are truly cowards and are only trying to impress their friends so run scared when confronted.
Our kids knew without a doubt where we stood on racism and knew they would be grounded for months if they were ever caught in something like that. I think standing up to it is the best way to put a stop to it and confronting it right as it happens if possible is the best way.
Thanks for sharing but please educate me. I just don’t see where the racial discomfort was in Mr. A’s encounter. I am Chinese, born and raised in China and received post-college education in the U.S. I have been living in the U.S. for 20+ years. It appears that only American-born Asian Americans would be offended by such an incident. Are we supposed to feel offended when other non-Asians yell gibberish at us? What is the real reason that we are angry in this situation? What if some high school students who are learning Mandarin want to practice their Mandarin but end up sounding like gibberish to a native Chinese speaker?
Chinese, it’s offensive because it’s clearly expressed in a mocking way and intended to belittle the person’s Asianness. It’s implying that an Asian language is a bunch of gibberish. It is disrespectful caricature. Someone who is trying to practice their Mandarin does not yell out “Ni hao!” in a mocking tone to a person riding by on their bicycle.
Thanks for your explanation. I am confused and hesitate at times if I should be upset when someone yells gibberish. I think not being native English speakers gives us a layer of insensibility to this kind of subtle, intended insult. One thing that can get to Chinese and I think other Asians in generall is when Westerners think we Chinese all look alike. I am outspoken and can very nasty against racism, but I wish I were better at it. Once my daughter was told by her white friends at school that they did not want her to sit at the same table at lunch because of my daughter’s darker skin color and darker hair color. They girls used the exact words as darker skin color and dark hair colors. I was pissed and called up the parents of these girls. They just denied the incident had anything to do with racism. They came up with some stupid incoherent explanation instead of apologizing. We are very successful in business. I have told my kids that we don’t need to care about these ridiculous racist kids because we don’t need them to have a good life.
I think the offending nature of it was not the words, but the intent of the words. The child was making fun of Asians. I think Mr. A handled this beautifully and I only hope that I will know what to say when the situation presents itself to me. He took the time to make it a teachable moment rather just yelling at the kid. That to me takes great poise and patience. I absolutely would want to know if my child was behaving this way and would have had no problem with my child being reprimanded and taught in such a manner. Children should not get away with such things just because they are children. AND a child is much easier to teach than an adult.
Great job Mr. A! I can pretty much guarantee that not only will this child never do this again, he will probably stop others when he hears it as well….
Good for Mr. A. I struggle with this myself…not being a full-size man with intimidation on my side, but a skinny Asian lady who barely outweighs a 14-year-old boy, I find it hard to know how to respond to taunts. I want to be a good example to my daughter of standing up for myself, but it’s hard to know what to say. A couple of years ago I was walking down the street (not with my daughter) and a couple of preadolescent boys made ching-chong noises at me. I whipped around and said “EXCUSE me?” in my best Mad Mom voice, but they just sassed back, “Excuse me! Excuse me!” What do you even do with that? I just had to walk away. Ugh.
[...] that racist thing happened to Mr. A and L on the bike trail, he said things like that have happened to him literally HUNDREDS [...]