This morning, when they were supposed to be getting ready for school, M and L had an argument. L was in M’s room without permission. This is an ongoing irritation for M and she was a little more abrasive than she needed to be at attempting to evict L from her space.
L, while refusing to leave the room, decided to express her displeasure. “I don’t even WANT YOU AS A SISTER ANY MORE!” she yelled, “I don’t want a sister!”
L has always been a kid who strikes out as soon as her feelings get hurt. This time, though, it almost looked as if L had been slapped in the face by her own words.
She spent the next hour or two in a bit of a wobble, getting upset over the tiniest of slights. (Including getting mad at a piece of paper for folding incorrectly.)
I don’t even remember now, what finally led to her meltdown. She was probably mad that I denied her a sucker or asked her to pick up her mess. Whatever caused it, it was a big melt down. Crying. Stomping. Yelling.
Then she said “I don’t EVEN WANT YOU!” and “I just want to be ALONE ALL BY MYSELF.” Knowing L as I know her, these are the kinds of words that mean exactly the opposite. This was a girl who needed to spend some time being cuddled and loved.
As I held her, she flailed around, angry at the world and anything she could think of. I knew she wasn’t really mad at the piece of paper or whatever inanimate object had done her wrong. Eventually, she said “I don’t even LIKE my brother and sister in China!”
Aha, I thought. This is still about the argument this morning. I had suspected that was what we were dealing with, but she could also have been hungry or tired.
“I just want you to GO AWAY FROM ME! Leave me alone!” she huffed as I held her on my lap like a baby. ”I don’t even want you to be MY MOMMY ANYMORE!”
“It is ok if you are mad at me.” I said, “But even when you are mad or sad, I am always going to be your mommy.”
“I only want my mama in CHINA!” L sobbed, looking afraid of her own words as the fell between us.
Since we met L, it has only been a matter of time before she said those words. I expected them to sting, but they didn’t. My heart was breaking, but not over L’s anger with me. My heart was breaking because this is not the kind of pain I can carry for her. This is a dark place she is going to struggle with again and again in her life.
“I know baby. I know you miss your mama in China.” I said, tears running down my cheeks. ”It is ok to be sad or mad because you miss her. She misses you too. She loves you very much.”
Then, L crumpled. Her sobs wracked her little body. We cried together as I rubbed her back.
“You are going to see your mama in China again, L. I promise. It might be when you are six or seven, but you will get to visit her. And we can see her on the computer and she will send us pictures.”
I realize how incredibly lame these things sound as L is crying in my lap, “It is ok if you miss your mama in China, but I am always going to be your mama too. Even if you are mad at me, I am always going to be your mommy. I will always love you and take care of you. And even though you get mad at M, she is always going to be your sister. Forever and ever.”
“Until I die?” she asked quietly.
“Yes. Even after you die, she will still be your sister. Even if she is far away, she will be your sister. Even if you don’t see her every day. Just like Jiejie and Didi are your sister and brother, always and forever.”
She thought this over.
I thought it over too. I realized that L might have thought, in a magical thinking kind of way, that wishing M was not her sister any more might make it true. I suspect she was thinking about her Jiejie and Didi and thinking maybe they weren’t her sister and brother any more, so these things could really happen.
“Mama, I am so SORRY. I love you.” she sobbed. L often lashes out, but once she stops being so angry, she apologizes and apologizes.
“You don’t have to be sorry, babygirl. It is ok to wish you could be with your mama in China. It is ok to be mad at me or mad at M sometimes. We know you love us, even when you are mad. We love you too, even when WE are mad. M loves you even though she doesn’t like it when you come in her room without asking first.”
Then, we talked for a bit about the injustice of big sisters who like privacy and little sisters who only want to play with things in their big sister’s room. It wasn’t long before all was right in L’s world again.
I, on the other hand, have been thinking about it all day.