You know how you know when you have a problem?
When the pastor recommends you get a restraining order.
I should probably back up and say I made an appointment with the crazy lady’s pastor (her church is in my back yard) to hopefully get someone else to deal with this stupid problem… and maybe just maybe embarrass Joan so much she will back off.
Things I learned from the pastor:
-At their first meeting, Joan cornered the pastor at a church picnic and talked to her for 20-30 minutes about the Dead Guy.
- Joan refers to the Dead Guy as “her prince.” Gag.
-Joan was obsessed with the house before we moved in. (This is a relief, because I felt bad that my initial niceness lead to this crazy. Apparently the crazy was there long ago and I just didn’t see it.)
-Joan has convinced herself that she is entitled to our house, even though after 11 years of dating the Dead Guy did not invite her to move in, marry her, or give her the house in his will. As the pastor said, “There was no evidence to support her claim that she should have the house.”
-The guy who lives next door to our house is the church caretaker. He also took care of our house while it was vacant. Before they sold the house to us, Joan tried to convince the caretaker to get involved in convincing the Dead Guy’s daughter’s that she was supposed to get the house. For obvious reasons, this is both crazy and made him quite uncomfortable. That campaign resolved when we bought the house…lucky us.
-The pastor said she has recommended grief counseling to Joan many many times. She said for the past year she seemed like she was doing a bit better…until this past month. The pastor said lately she has had “that glassy eyed, vacant expression again.” This coincides quite strongly with the increase in creeptastic lurking I had noticed.
-The pastor agreed with me that I can not have any more interaction with Joan. We must have rock solid boundaries because she will violate them, given any opportunity.
-I said if this continues, I think our next move is to contact the police. ”For a restraining order?” the pastor asked. “I guess, I don’t know.” I said. ”I think that a restraining order would be wise.” she said. Then she offered to talk the the police for us if it would be helpful (!!!).
The pastor is going to talk to one of Joan’s friends and try to enlist her help in talking to Joan. She isn’t going to tell her we talked to her (the pastor) just yet. She said she isn’t very hopeful that anything will change.
I don’t expect much to change either. I am going to keep a journal of when I notice her doing weird stuff. I will probably also call our local police department, just to find out if they have any suggestions.
If nothing else, at the very least I have confirmation that it isn’t me blowing things out of proportion. Joan really is a nutcase.
Um, wow. And sorry. And how sick am I that I couldn’t wait for you to write this post so I knew what was going on with the story? I hope she is all weird bark with no bite, and she will back down after she realizes you are serious.
Time to get a big dog!
I’ve been waiting for this story all day.
oh boy… I had a feeling this was a case for a restraining order if needed. yikes! Well… on the other hand it’s good to have confirmation that you’re not imagining anything and that this lady is way crazy and way out of line. I hope the police department has some good suggestions… sigh.
As a person struggling within grief at the moment, I cannot help but feel very badly for this woman. (I’m not saying that her actions are justified, just that I can feel some of her pain.)
I once read somewhere that it takes three years per actual year of knowing/loving someone to work through their grief of their lost loved on. Having loved someone for 11 years would mean a great deal of grief. Heck, my loss has been about four and it still hits me in waves. I am curious as to what happened within the last month (for her) that created such changes at church and concerning your house.
No matter the situation, she deserves to get some help for this and I hope that one day in the near future, she can set out to do just that. In regards to your family and your home, I imagine that it’s very tough and I hope you’re able to resolve these issues quickly and without much difficulty.
Good luck and take care.
Wow. She needs help and not from you. Hopefully getting the pastor involved was a good first step, now the police. Better to be safe!!
Just my two cents. Call the police and I wouldn’t hesitate to get a restraining order, document when you see her but better yet take photos that will date and time stamp when she is coming around. Is there anyway you can talk with the daughter of the owner? Just to get her information also with her encounters….
I am an Advocate and do restraining orders all the time..both civil protection orders and civil stalking orders
If I can answer any questions, feel free to email me.
you can’t wait til it escalates. you have to call the police now, so they at least document your call. Because things will probably get a lot worse before they get better and you don’t want to be playing catch up. It’s all nice and dandy to write things down, but you could fill a notebook and call the police and that will be their first point of contact with you. They need to know, now.
My heart does go out to the woman, but people in that state of grief and denial do things that can be very scary, especially to kids.
Did you ever watch Six Feet Under? Because your stories about this woman remind me of the character (Season One, I think) that stalks David and ends up volunteering with him at church. This woman is sounding a lot like the character, like she needs some help.
Yikes and I have to agree with MM. Call the police and let them know what is going on. Ask for advice, but in this case, being proactive to protect your family is the key…
I am sorry this is happening, and I do think you should keep a record of what she is doing, and if you feel even vaguely threatened, you should call the police.
Woah… If the pastor confirms th crazy…. Definitely call the police the next time. Making a report is fairly painless, although Mr. A may want to take the kids for ice-cream while you make the report. Good luck.
While the stalking sucks, it’s pretty damn upsetting that the pastor violated the clergy-parishoner privilege when describing her interactions with crazy lady. People (even crazy lady) should feel comfortable talking with their pastors about personal issues without fearing that the pastor will repeat the conversations.
For what it’s worth, J, it doesn’t sound as if the pastor betrayed any confidential information. If the mourning lady has campaigned through people (for months, it sounds like) to convince the former owner of the house that the house should go to her….that isn’t information the pastor gained through confidential counseling. It’s information that the pastor gained by being in tune with her congregation, or at least her church’s caretaker. Other than that, all the pastor seems to have done is confirmed that she, too, has observed a relapse into grief, and confirmed that a restraining order would not be out of order. The only thing that seems even borderline confidential is the fact that the pastor has previously recommended grief counseling…and even that is more a statement about the pastor’s own action in the case than a statement of anything the mourning lady has done or said.
KD, if your doctor tells me what course of treatment the doctor recommended to you, that is a violation of the doctor-patient privilege. Even though that is merely the doctor’s own action. AmFam also writes that “At their first meeting, Joan cornered the pastor at a church picnic and talked to her for 20-30 minutes about the Dead Guy.” The pastor provided her impressions of crazy lady based on their conversations. It seems obvious that crazy lady sought care and advice from her pastor, and by revealing these conversations, her trust was breached. Pastors should not be betraying the trust of their parishoners.
J–
I disagree that it sounds like the mourning lady sought care or advice from her pastor. If she did so, I agree that divulging the contents of those counseling sessions would be inappropriate. I also agree that pastors should not betray the trust of their parishioners. However, it sounds to me as if it’s at least as likely that this lady cornered her new pastor at a welcoming potluck/picnic and began making the case that the house next door should belong to her. (The mourning lady had already tried to enlist the aid of the church caretaker, yes?)
That is an overly cynical interpretation of the events as described above. Your interpretation, however, skews the related facts equally far in the other direction. While it’s possible that she sought counseling, it’s just as possible that she lobbied for assistance securing the house, or that she wanted to establish her version of reality as “the norm” or “the truth” by talking to the pastor first, or that she was accustomed to being very important laity to the old pastor and wanted to make herself appear just as indispensable/knowledgeable/important to the new.
Counseling is confidential. Not all conversations are, however. It seems unreasonable to assume that the pastor was betraying an established counseling relationship–particularly since there’s no evidence that the lady in question sought/accepted recommendations from the pastor.
FWIW, I agree with Mortimersmom – contact the police now so you aren’t playing catch-up later!
Call the police. Definitely.
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