This morning, when they were supposed to be getting ready for school, M and L had an argument. L was in M’s room without permission. This is an ongoing irritation for M and she was a little more abrasive than she needed to be at attempting to evict L from her space.
L, while refusing to leave the room, decided to express her displeasure. “I don’t even WANT YOU AS A SISTER ANY MORE!” she yelled, “I don’t want a sister!”
L has always been a kid who strikes out as soon as her feelings get hurt. This time, though, it almost looked as if L had been slapped in the face by her own words.
She spent the next hour or two in a bit of a wobble, getting upset over the tiniest of slights. (Including getting mad at a piece of paper for folding incorrectly.)
I don’t even remember now, what finally led to her meltdown. She was probably mad that I denied her a sucker or asked her to pick up her mess. Whatever caused it, it was a big melt down. Crying. Stomping. Yelling.
Then she said “I don’t EVEN WANT YOU!” and “I just want to be ALONE ALL BY MYSELF.” Knowing L as I know her, these are the kinds of words that mean exactly the opposite. This was a girl who needed to spend some time being cuddled and loved.
As I held her, she flailed around, angry at the world and anything she could think of. I knew she wasn’t really mad at the piece of paper or whatever inanimate object had done her wrong. Eventually, she said “I don’t even LIKE my brother and sister in China!”
Aha, I thought. This is still about the argument this morning. I had suspected that was what we were dealing with, but she could also have been hungry or tired.
“I just want you to GO AWAY FROM ME! Leave me alone!” she huffed as I held her on my lap like a baby. ”I don’t even want you to be MY MOMMY ANYMORE!”
“It is ok if you are mad at me.” I said, “But even when you are mad or sad, I am always going to be your mommy.”
“I only want my mama in CHINA!” L sobbed, looking afraid of her own words as the fell between us.
Since we met L, it has only been a matter of time before she said those words. I expected them to sting, but they didn’t. My heart was breaking, but not over L’s anger with me. My heart was breaking because this is not the kind of pain I can carry for her. This is a dark place she is going to struggle with again and again in her life.
“I know baby. I know you miss your mama in China.” I said, tears running down my cheeks. ”It is ok to be sad or mad because you miss her. She misses you too. She loves you very much.”
Then, L crumpled. Her sobs wracked her little body. We cried together as I rubbed her back.
“You are going to see your mama in China again, L. I promise. It might be when you are six or seven, but you will get to visit her. And we can see her on the computer and she will send us pictures.”
I realize how incredibly lame these things sound as L is crying in my lap, “It is ok if you miss your mama in China, but I am always going to be your mama too. Even if you are mad at me, I am always going to be your mommy. I will always love you and take care of you. And even though you get mad at M, she is always going to be your sister. Forever and ever.”
“Until I die?” she asked quietly.
“Yes. Even after you die, she will still be your sister. Even if she is far away, she will be your sister. Even if you don’t see her every day. Just like Jiejie and Didi are your sister and brother, always and forever.”
She thought this over.
I thought it over too. I realized that L might have thought, in a magical thinking kind of way, that wishing M was not her sister any more might make it true. I suspect she was thinking about her Jiejie and Didi and thinking maybe they weren’t her sister and brother any more, so these things could really happen.
“Mama, I am so SORRY. I love you.” she sobbed. L often lashes out, but once she stops being so angry, she apologizes and apologizes.
“You don’t have to be sorry, babygirl. It is ok to wish you could be with your mama in China. It is ok to be mad at me or mad at M sometimes. We know you love us, even when you are mad. We love you too, even when WE are mad. M loves you even though she doesn’t like it when you come in her room without asking first.”
Then, we talked for a bit about the injustice of big sisters who like privacy and little sisters who only want to play with things in their big sister’s room. It wasn’t long before all was right in L’s world again.
I, on the other hand, have been thinking about it all day.
Oh. *big tears* I love how you love your kids and your strong wisdom. You are right there where they need you. *sniffle*
big splashy tears here too. It must be hard to have to face it that you cannot make it better for her, that this pain is hers alone to carry.
And what wonderful reassurances you gave her of your love and her Chinese family’s love! Sigh… and thanks, as always, for sharing.
Uggh. *Sniffle* Love you guys.
WOW – that sounds just like the conversation that I had with my daughter (she will be 7 in Oct) the last round of this was about 6 months ago…
Carol in FL
You were super in handling this. My son had this meltdown when he was six years old and I wouldn’t let him watch cartoons while eating breakfast on a schoolday. He threatened to go to the judge and ask him for a new family (We’ve always explained that his Ethiopian mom asked a judge to find a new family to raise her son and we are the family that was found).
I’ve noticed a pattern these past 5 years …August – September – April – June – December seem to be the months where it seems to happen every year all linked in some way or another to his adoption.
Thank you for sharing this. It gives me strength, because I am having similar conversations with my daughter. I can only hope my response is as calm and soothing as yours. Someday, with help from your posts earlier this year, I hope to have more concrete information to share with my daughter about her birth family. The not knowing part is so hard on her. I’m so glad your blog is back! I enjoy your thoughtfulness, your wisdom and your snark! Thank you!
your poor gal! it’s a nice rule of thumb, “if she’s mad at the paper, it’s not the paper.”
I see it coming, it’s on the horizon, and knowing how much it hurts on behalf of your girl, I can only imagine how much harder it will be when one of mine delivers this on the doorstep.
Thanks for leading the way–grace under pressure, personified.
Big gulps here also. Wow. You handled that beautifully. Poor thing. It must be so hard for her to process it all.
Thank you for sharing this. It gives us all something to think about for when that same conversation comes.
As always, you inspire me with your honesty, your courage, your compassion, and your love. Thank you.
You are a wonderful Mama!
Oh, that’s coming, isn’t it? My Rory is so…she just kind of refuses to be emotional. It would almost be a relief to see her let some of that out. It has to be there! I think, in her case, it’s her foster family she mourns, but I know the mourning and confusion is there. I wil try to do as well as you did, when her time comes!
Oh, how I have lived this. It is so hard to hold them while they experience the raw emotions that come with adoption. You handled it beautifully – I’ll be filing away some of your words, as I know we haven’t experienced the last of these conversations.
Well done, AmFam Mama!
You have contact with her mother in China? How is that possible? I think you handled the situation really well.
Well done. Very touching.
I kind of wish my mom would be like that too
I know a lot of Aparents think that this is “normal” for their adopted kid to say, one day or another, : I hate you/You’re not my real mommy anyway/I want to go back with my “real” family etc. But, as I grew up, I never ever said that to my mom. Yeah right, I thought about it, a lot, when I was angry and when I wasn’t. But nevertheless, my younger sis and I always “hold back” the need to let it out this way. I talked about my mom about my birthmom and it was awkward, but I think that as a child, no matter how young, you know that this will hurt your parents.
I know adopted children are not the same, but I saw and heard my fellow adopted 18y/o friends saying that to their mom, just to get under their skins, just to hurt them. And IMO, it’s unrespectfull, like too much…
Anyway, maybe it’s because of the way I was raised, maybe not. And maybe it’s because I know how much it hurts to hear things meant to hurt you,but subconsciously or not, it just hurts.
And in that way, you’re really amazing to have reacted that way. No screaming, no anger. Was it because you were waiting for it? Or maybe not. Either way, I think you did awesome
WOW…….heartbreaking, for your daughter….. but so good to acknowledge her feelings. Just watched the documentary Adopted and was searching for info from adult adoptees and bumped into your blog
We adopted our K in 07 as well (she is from Hubei). We are thinking of searching for her bio parents through a contact in China. Would love your thoughts on that?????????
Shannon
dh Sean
dd Victoria 15
dd Olivia 10
dd Kai 5
sorry, read more and found your thoughts ;0) Thanks for sharing.