Ok, clearly everyone took that last post wrong. I am not fishing for blog love (though don’t get me wrong, I love compliments!) or for people to beg me to stay. I am trying to force myself to write so I can see if I can get over my blog ennui. If I can’t get rid of it, there is no reason to have a blog because I won’t write.
I know I need to write this stuff out because I have started crying twice in the past two days when I was talking to friends about adoption stuff. And people, I *do* *not* *cry*. I especially don’t cry in public and one of those episodes took place in the self-checkout lane at the grocery store. The GROCERY STORE. In front of about 10,000 strangers. Why am I crying in the grocery store when I could be working this shit out here with 10,000 strangers inquisitive readers who are smarter and more insightful than the grocery cart collecting guy?
Instead of compliments, I am asking for your HELP.
I need to know what gaps would be most helpful for me to fill in for those of you who are considering searching, are searching or who are horrified at the very thought. I know you are all so very polite and don’t want to ask rude questions, but it is OK. I give you permission to ask what you really, really wonder about. If it is too much or I can’t answer it, I will let you know.
Also, I always like to do this Q&A (I usually do it for Nablopomo because I run out of stuff to say), so if you have non-adoption related stuff you wonder, throw that out there too. I am sure I will be greatful for the break.
Alrighty, here’s my non-adoption-related nosy question. I know you used to do sex-ed; I would love an update on how you’re finding it from the “parent” side of the table. Perhaps how you’re dealing with it, (and as I write this it occurs to me that adoption might figure obviously into this) but also the internal stuff : does it feel the way you expected it to? Any surprises? Etc.
I do have some personal questions! Have you had anymore encounters with your house stalker? Does your older daughter have any jealousy issues now that her sister has contact with her birth family? I just wonder if she has expressed anything. And if you had it to do all over again, would you still make contact with them? I’m guessing you would for your daughter, but do you regret it for yourself?
Oh! Parodie’s question reminded me of another. Do you talk to your girls about masterbation? Weird question, I know, but it’s something I’ve had to talk to my daughter about and it’s one of those things the school moms don’t stand around and talk about. I just wonder if I’ve handled it well.
OK, I’m in. These are adoption questions, although not particular to international adoption. I am going to be very blunt and direct, because I am doing serious thinking about this and I need to know.
1. How can you be sure that you will love an adopted child as much as you would love a biological child? How do weeks and weeks of paperwork create the same intense bond that’s created by conception, 40 weeks of carrying the child, giving birth, etc?
2. How long does it take before you *feel* like you’re actually parenting instead of babysitting somebody else’s child? When do you become the mother in your own mind?
3. How do you connect your adopted child to your family lineage and make him feel like those are *his* people too? Your grandmother, your great grandmother, the house that your late Aunt Stella lived in 30 years ago, the town far away where your dad grew up but you all moved away … those are all things that your adopted child will never know personally, he’ll just hear about them in stories, in the abstract. But even those things in my family history that *I* don’t know personally still have meaning to me, because I can trace myself back through the lines of those women and men in the stories, and I know how they all connect to each other and to me. How do you give that history to your adopted child when it’s all theoretical and it isn’t really *his people* after all?
I would like to know more about the mechanics of how L’s parent’s relinquished her, I think that piece of the puzzle would be really helpful in making her parents relatable.
And how you feel about international adoption now that you know what you know. In your waiting days you were very pro-adoption as a great way to build a family, do you still feel that way?
How do you feel about prospective adoptive parents standing in line to adopt from overseas for years, for children that haven’t even been conceived yet?
Why did you quit Chinese school?
I would like to know how the heck you found anyone on QQ. I can’t seem to figure it out. I also can’t seem to find anyone in my daughter’s town when I do an internet search. How the heck did you start?
Well, the obvious is why were you crying?
Ha Ha Ha ha! Sorry, but I’m having a good laugh here because yesterday I was so sad that maybe you’d be closing up shop. Seriously, though… this crying business is serious ’cause I’m the same way, I DO. NOT. CRY, especially not in public. I am feeling like crying, though, just thinking on the posts that you can possibly write. And… that’s what makes blogging so glorious… this sharing and this learning about other people’s moving, life-changing experiences.
I remember your posts about those first insanely exhausting, absurdly intense weeks with L. And I’m sure that what you have to go through now, that certain doors and windows, etc. have opened. I think it would do you good to revisit those times and to thing about now. And… maybe wonder about the future too, since back then you couldn’t possibly fathom what would come later.
P.S. I’ll think of other questions later… November is a long month, isn’t it? I wish I had more readers ’cause I’m on a mad dash to post about 100 times between now and December 31st & I asked for questions too, but… well… none came. I should ask again.
I am sorry you were crying. I like your blog, but you should do what is right for you and your family. If you want to stop, then you can always come back later. It is not like we are paying you for writing!
MY QUESTIONS
Why is this considered an adoption blog? How the heck did that happen? (I do not read it for adoption insight.)
Do people say things like “Oh, multiracial kids are the cutest”. “What a China doll”. Etc. How do you explain to M and L their differences in looks, etc.
You have hinted that L has some sort of learning difficulties. (Correct me if I am wrong). How is everything going with that. I hope she is doing okay.
I am wondering if you could talk a bit about the people who helped you find L’s parents, being as vague as you need to be. Do you think it was extraordinary that they were willing to help you out so much, considering you were a total stranger? It hasn’t seemed to me that most people in China are willing to stick out their necks that much for something that does not involve them (did you see the news video/coverage of the toddler in China that was left lying in the street by bystanders after being hit by a car?) Was there some serious guanxi going on?
I would also like to know if there have been any issues for L knowing that M is your bio daughter and she is not.
I have a bio daughter who, when she was younger, used to feel left out because she only has one mom while her younger sister has two. Shortly they’ll both have a younger sister from China. My middle daughter knows her birthmom. My youngest, most likely, will not. My middle daughter has very limited access to information on her birth culture, my youngest will have tons. I’m wondering how your experience finding one birth family has played out in the sibling dynamics as I expect that’s going to come up in my house…
I’d also like to hear what’s up with the stalker– that one makes me more than a little uneasy and if you do end the blog (which I suppose we need to respect as your right) I want to know the stalker isn’t a continuing issue. (Yes, I know, nothing comes with guarantees, but it’s a nice fantasy land where problems are neatly solved and put away forever and we can control and stop the crazy behavior of others.)
Well, with all that said from the comments above… I don’t think you can close up shop anytime soon! I’d like to know more about the search. We are in the middle of ours and have hit a roadblock. I’d also love to hear the outcome of the stalker, did you get a restraint order on her?? Local Chinese schools and COFCC – would love opinions on either for schooling in language, dance, etc.
Just wanted to say, loved reading your blog. Found it when searching for issues on raising both bio and adoptive children.
Thanks!
We are planning a return trip to China this spring but do not want to go as part of a tour because the kids would probably hate China if we got on a bus at the crack of dawn, went sight-seeing and shopping for the whole day, and returned at nightfall. Is it reasonable to think we can go without guides? Our Chinese is limited. If we wanted to use a guide for a couple of days in a certain city, any ideas on how to connect with one?
Why were you crying? (And I’m sorry, that you were crying.)
I hope you don’t go, as I love your blog!
Question 1: I have always wanted to adopt, and my future husband feels the same. However, the more I educated myself about open-adoption and finding birth parents, the more I think this is the right way to go. However, my hubby does not think so.
Question 2: Knowing all you know about adoption, what would be the one advice you’d give to someone who wants to do it?
A friend recently went to VietNam and found the person that found her child. She has given me the name of the concierge service she used in VN that searches. We have a pretty good chance of possibly finding some info because of my girls circumstances. ANYWAY. As I have mentioned I am terrified. I feel obligated to do it but emotionally I am not there. Although I do see the path opening.
I am also worried if I do find the girls birth mother what if she rejects the idea of having some kind of relationship. And what if the girls don’t want it. And another odd thing, what if she wants financial support? I feel like that would be kind of unethical but then again I am generous to a fault and would probably feel obligated….Anyway. How did you approach those issues?
Not adoption related:
Whatever happened with the kid that Mr. A confronted about yelling racist things? The last I remember reading was that Mr. A had forgotten the kid’s contact info in the heat of the moment, and that you were going to try to track him down another way…. Did anything come of that? If so, how did the kid’s parents react to being contacted, and how did that conversation go?
It didn’t even cross our minds to find our daughter’s birth family because we were told that in China it was 1) impossible and 2) dangerous for the birth family. We didn’t speak Chinese, we weren’t even taken to the city where she was found and where her SWI was located. Now that we see (from your blog and elsewhere) that searching is possible, our daughter is six. Do you think it’s too late, that the trail is too cold? Should we make the effort? We are emotionally prepared to do it. We were just ignorant, and when you know better, you do better.
I hope that you don’t fold up shop. I know you did for a bit & one day I checked for the heck of it & you were back. You are a voice that I think needs to be heard in the adoption community, you make people think & rethink. My question is what is the adoption stuff you were talking about that made you cry? Was it something that you were upset about for L or was it something that was upsetting to you? Either way I am sorry that you were crying.
OK, questions it is. Number 1 – the stalker, what progress? Number 2 – if you adopted again, would you go for domestic or international adoption? Number 3 – as a stay at home mum, I sometimes feel like I am wasting my talents. Do you ever feel that or other mummy guilt? Number 4 – I’ve read a lot about the process of bonding for the adopted child, but not so much about the process of bonding for the adopting parents, are the two processes usually in sync or out of step? Number 5 – have Mr. A’s family pushed for a boy to carry on the family name? We have three girls and are getting some family pressure to go again for a boy (like that can be guaranteed!!).
Will see if I have any more questions swimming round my head in the next few days.
Do you think dressing like a slut helped or hurt your chances of adopting?
George/Annamal/Laura,
I know that is you!!!
Miss you guys.
A
My question is related to finding my son’s birth mother…in Ethiopia. Was told it’s impossible…how do you start? All I have is his Ethiopian mother’s name and the town he was born in, it’s a start I know but really….how can I find out if she is still alive? We don’t have any contacts in Ethiopia.
Thanks,oh and I also want to know more about the dead guy’s stalking widowed girlfriend.
Not an adoption question – more on the hapa-side of things. How does your older daughter self-identify? Is it evolving/changing? My hapa daughter (10)clearly is more in touch w/ her chinese-ness than her anglo-saxon-ness. Her closest circle of friends are all asian or hapa-asian. We aren’t sure what the significance (if any) is but we’ve noticed this trend with our hapa nieces and nephews. Is it the experience of being the minority in the community? Very interesting in who she sees as “cute” as well – the asian guys are always”cuter” in her opinion…
You asked, so I’m asking. How did M respond to meeting L’s birth family? Has Mr. A struggled with the birth family issue? Does he feel conflicted about them? The responsibility of meeting them and continuing a relationship with them?
A couple weeks ago when M had her meltdown……do you think there’s a possibility she could be confused or upset by the fact that she has to figure out where she fits with two sets of parents? I didn’t ask at the time because I didn’t want to come off as nosy, mean or snarky; lots of small children have temper tantrums all the time…totally normal. We’re thinking of taking our now 8 year old daughter to China for a visit and I’m scared it will bring up some of her insecurities.
delurking! I hope you keep writing! I’ve enjoyed reading you for years and appreciate your perspective that often goes against the traditional adoption grain.
I’m the adoptive momma in a transracial, open, domestic adoption and I’ve followed your search in newly open adoption with GREAT interest. Open adoptions are complicated, no? I’m wondering if it’s hard for you to discuss L’s birth family (with her) without saint-ifying them? I struggle with honoring my boy’s birth family but not wanting to set him up for a fall in opinion of them/their choices as he gains a fuller understanding of his story. Follow the question?! I hope so! I’d guess many open adoptions deal with this in some way (or should!)
Also, did you do anything in particular with L to help her transition from group care (maybe she was fostered though, and not in an orphanage….I don’t recall) to a family setting? Separate issue from attachment related issues (at least in my mind).
Long time lurker, first time caller.
I would like to read more about Taiwan and family dynamics in Taiwanese families. I have a daughter adopted from Taiwan, and while I am interested in everything you have to say, I am especially interested in anything about Taiwan. A specific question I have is about birthparent search in Taiwan. We have names and addresses. It is an open adoption in the sense that all identifying info on both sides is in all the court documents. Our daughter is three years old. When/how should we make contact? A more generic related question: L’s birthfamily is intact and mature. What are your thoughts on approaching other types of birthfamilies such as mature single mom, teenage mom living at home with her parents, divorced parents, etc.? How to gauge if they would be receptive to contact, or if waiting a few years is better? I am thinking that making contact too early may scare them off forever, perhaps? Would love to hear your thoughts.
I have another one. My parents (in their early 60s) have done foster care ever since I was in high school, and now have adopted two kids who were in their care ever since they were babies. (The kids are now 10 and 11, siblings, of Ecuadorean descent, and we are white.) Of course they are dealing with all the normal issues: visiting with the birth mom, identity, race, etc etc etc, but I cannot convince my parents to read anything about it, seek counseling, find any resources at all. They seem to have the attitude that they know how to raise kids successfully and can do this as if adoption, race, etc. isn’t even an issue. Can you think of any way I can approach them that won’t insult them but will get them the help they really need?
As a Disney parks lover (but not necessarily a liker of the Disney company or empire…) I’ve been waiting for your post on your trip to Disney! Could you maybe write about how that went? Was it as bad as you thought it would be? Did you have fun? Did the girls? No? The suspense!
Are there any updates on the in-laws?
Any advice for the parent of a hapa toddler who “looks white” on how to start addressing race and identity?
Like stillplayswithbarbies, I’m a Taiwan adoptive parent in a somewhat open adoption. Some of my favorite reads of yours involve Mr. A’s father and family.
I’m also a mom through Taiwanese adoption. Please don’t go!! We’re planning a reunion trip in March and my daughter is/will be five years old. Any advice for preparing kids for meeting a mom they can’t really communicate with? Anything you wished you would have done with her or told her before hand? Has L been more interested in learning Chinese since returning? What does she still remember and talk about now regarding your trip?
Do you use the term ” hapa.”? (What do you use?)
I think it but would feel strange saying it.
likewise my relative is black/Asian and I would feel strange saying Blasian to her.
I just say biracial or multiracial.
[...] Questions -Day 1- China Travel I am just going to dive in and start answering the questions you all sent me for Nablopomo. I will try to post for 30 days straight, but possibly that means I can be done [...]
Jumping ahead to the future…how would you handle a child looking at porn sites?
I’d like to hear more about your experience with vision therapy for L. Did you feel it helped her, and if so, what differences do you see? I have a problem that I could pass on to my kids that is sometimes treated with vision therapy. But it’s a controversial subject. Because it wasn’t how I was treated, I don’t have much insight.
[...] backing up You all may not have noticed, but I gave myself a nice little blog break there. In part, this is because I feel guilty because I still haven’t answered all the questions I requested…way back in OCTOBER. [...]