Today is a banner day. After one entire year of living in this house, we are finally going to have a sparkly new dishwasher installed. This house has never even had any dishwasher at all before.
Hallelujah! Amen!
Actually, the dishwasher won’t do much for me besides filling the gaping hole we have had in the cabinets for the past 4 months. Mr. A does the vast majority of the dishes, so he will be happy. I might even try to get in the habit of putting my own dishes directly in the dishwasher instead of piling them next to the sink. I am sure Mr. A would appreciate that. (Shut up! It is the division of labor we worked out. I don’t see him washing his own damn underwear just because he is capable.)
Let’s all knock on wood that the dishwasher will be installed without any issues. I am a bit nervous that they will say the hole is the wrong size or the drain hole is in the wrong place or something. Cross your fingers.
If the dishwasher goes in ok, and if I can find the time to finish painting the cabinets and touching up all the giant fucking gouges in the trim from the tile guys minor scuffs in the paint, the kitchen should be done in another week and a half.
Can I get another HALLELUJAH?
It would be done even sooner, but I am driving through the sixth circle of hell the beautiful mountains of West Virginia* to live out my lifelong dream of being on the witness stand without a fear of going to jail testify in a friend’s custody hearing and to see a gorgeous new baby.
In the meantime, I am really enjoying reading your questions. I am not going to start answering them until Nablopomo in Novemeber, but I am thinking about them nevertheless. Please feel free to keep them coming.
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*I do believe the WV turnpike was designed by sadists. No cell reception, no where to stop, super-steep mountains and stomach-turning curves. And it is LONG. Four hours through WV is enough to make me want to pay the extra $200 to just fly already.
Ok, clearly everyone took that last post wrong. I am not fishing for blog love (though don’t get me wrong, I love compliments!) or for people to beg me to stay. I am trying to force myself to write so I can see if I can get over my blog ennui. If I can’t get rid of it, there is no reason to have a blog because I won’t write.
I know I need to write this stuff out because I have started crying twice in the past two days when I was talking to friends about adoption stuff. And people, I *do* *not* *cry*. I especially don’t cry in public and one of those episodes took place in the self-checkout lane at the grocery store. The GROCERY STORE. In front of about 10,000 strangers. Why am I crying in the grocery store when I could be working this shit out here with 10,000 strangers inquisitive readers who are smarter and more insightful than the grocery cart collecting guy?
Instead of compliments, I am asking for your HELP.
I need to know what gaps would be most helpful for me to fill in for those of you who are considering searching, are searching or who are horrified at the very thought. I know you are all so very polite and don’t want to ask rude questions, but it is OK. I give you permission to ask what you really, really wonder about. If it is too much or I can’t answer it, I will let you know.
Also, I always like to do this Q&A (I usually do it for Nablopomo because I run out of stuff to say), so if you have non-adoption related stuff you wonder, throw that out there too. I am sure I will be greatful for the break.
This happens from time to time. I lose my blogging mojo and I have a hard time getting back in the writing groove. Sometimes, it is because I have said everything and I can’t think of anything else to say. Or because nothing interesting is happening. Or I am just too busy to write a good meaty post.
This time, it is a little different.
I have a lot I want to tell you. I can write post after post in my head, but when I sit down to write them down, I can’t. I am in the thick of it right now. The emotions are so raw and overwhelming, it is difficult to imagine exposing them to the critical blog-reading masses.
Before, blogging was always for me, a way for me to process my emotions and thoughts. I haven’t done that so much with this part of my life because so much of it isn’t my story to tell. I worry about L’s privacy. I worry about her family’s privacy and safety. After THIS happened, I don’t trust my ability to protect them any more.
I know our story (specifically the story of meeting L’s family and the aftermath) is important. Our story is one of the precious, precious few stories of searching for and locating a Chinese birth family. If we don’t share our story, who will? Who will give hope to all those families and Chinese adoptees who have been told reunion is impossible?
There is a Chinese quote that I kept thinking of when I share our experience:
Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. ~Lin Yutang
I know that people see our search and reunion as a reason for Hope. But searching and the first meeting are just a drop in the bucket. This part, the after, is hard. Really really hard. This is not a fairy tale and it seems dishonest to let you all think that we are all riding off into the sunset together.
I am not sure how much longer I am going to be blogging, but if I do go, there are things I need to say first. There are questions I need to answer and stories that need to be told.
Nablopomo (National Blog Posting Month) is coming up in November. I am committed to trying to write a post every day so I can see if it is really time for me to close up shop.
If you have questions for me, now is your chance to ask. Anything is fair game, but I will tell you if there is something I can’t or am not comfortable answering.
Edited to add: Several people have now said or written to me offline to say they want to as me something they feel is to personal. That is ok. Now is your chance to ask me something you have always wondered. If it too personal, I will let you know. Seriously, I do this because I cannot anticipate what you might be curious about.
I am hoping I can get in a good writing groove and enjoy blogging again, but if not, this will be my last hurrah. I may as well go out with a bang, right?
Money money money MONEY. Money!
We have been doing a lot of repairs and renovations on the house. We knew we would need to do this work when we bought it, so it isn’t like it is a surprise, but hot damn, house repairs on an 80 year old house that has not been updated in 40 years are expensive. (Good news, the house was very well maintained so the repairs are mostly cosmetic. Bad news, there was a lot of cosmetic work to do. Good news, nothing was aesthetically “improved” in the 70s, 80s or 90s, so we don’t have to deal with harvest gold appliances or pink bathroom tile.) But all these little (and not so little expenses) have been adding up.*
Debt bothers me a lot. Mr. A and I both still have grad school/law school debt. We have been steadily paying it down for the past 10ish years, but there is still a chunk out there dangling over our heads. (Who knew? Fancypants Law school is very, very costly.)
I will be the first to admit we haven’t always prioritized paying it off extra-fast like we could have. We took our big trip, which was VERY expensive. We also had to cover all our costs (mortgage, utilities,school COBRA, loan payments, etc) while Mr. A was traveling and not working. I don’t regret the trip because it was an awesome bonding experience for us as a family and we got to meet L’s birth family, but it was a big financial commitment that we made in exchange for that time.
The combination of the home repair debt and the school loan debt has finally pushed me to a breaking point. We need to make some extra money so we can get these monkeys off our backs. Mr. A makes a good living, but if we want it gone faster (and I *do*, I really really DO.), Mama is going to have to make so money.
This month, I have started hustling to make a little extra cash. I did a consumer research focus group for $150. I have been doing some gigs as a Housing Tester which pays $75 a pop (4 more tomorrow!). And most surprising of all, I am going to do some part-time pickup work for a catering company. I might even hire a babysitter. I am going to see what I can do without getting a real job, but hustling as much as I can around the girls’ and Mr. A’s schedules.
Oh, yes my friends, we are getting a little Dave Ramsey up in here. I am going to spend the next year snowflaking the heck out of our debt. A little bit here, a little bit there. We might not be able to get rid of all of it, but we will make a good dent.
* Even with the housing market in our neighborhood kind of tanking this year, we are pretty sure we will come out ahead when we sell in another year or two. Even if we don’t increase our equity by a ton, we are hopeful that we will come close to owning the vacant lot (which is currently our side yard and the site of the future Forever House) outright when we sell.
Sorry to drop that last post and then disappear. I was at Disney with my parents. All of my attention was focused on not speaking my mind (and thus damaging my relationship with my parents who have very good intentions but who drive me crazy after more than two days under the same roof). I will have to say something about Disney (or more importantly the Wizarding World of Harry Potter), but for now, back to that lifebook question.
The lifebook that I need to finish is going to be L’s 5-7 year old lifebook, written with that developmental age in mind. A Junie B. Jones-age book. I read all your comments and I have been mulling over what I want to do.
What I would prefer is if there was a very simple picture book explaining the one child policy. (Anyone know of one? Otherwise I will have to make two books and the odds of that getting done are low.) I think that information needs to be introduced, but I don’t think the full explanation needs to go in this beginner version of her lifebook.
I would like the lifebook to be able to refer to Chinese family planning laws and for L to have a context for understanding it, without beating her over the head with the connection to her family before she is ready. We have the Mr. Rogers (love him!) book about adoption which handles the “why” much the way K2 suggested. L hasn’t been particularly interested in that book beyond wanting to look at pictures of babies, but I bring it out and read it to her from time to time.
In a later version of her lifebook (and obviously in discussions), I could talk more about her family’s actual circumstances.
That seems reasonable, right?
I don’t know. In general, I feel like we have been doing a pretty good job talking about her family and helping her understand that and managing our new relationship with them. But the place where their existence intersects with her loss…well, that place sucks.
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