Eye-pulling question

M asks:

Totally off-topic but would love to hear your thoughts on this:

White adoptive mom posted a picture of her Chinese adopted daughter ( http:// http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/10/on-self-image.html cut and paste if the link doesn’t work) making the “slant-eye” gesture because she thought it was “cute”. The majority of her readers also thought it was either “hilarious” or “cute”. Some also chimed in with their adopted Chinese daughters have all done it too and “it’s so funny”.

When it was pointed out to her by adoptees (including some Asian adoptees), that this was a racist gesture and it was wrong of her to post the picture, she said “take a chill pill”( http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/10/chill.html ) and that anyone who doesn’t see it as cute was the one making it into something ugly.

She also openly admits that she had her daughter re-create the pose so she could photograph it for her blog.

(Ok, true, this isn’t the kid in question. This is Miley Cyrus. Isn’t she “cute”?)

This question just came in today. I wasn’t going to include the link (because I have had my own share of drive-by blog criticism, but when I read the comments over there it about made my head explode. My personal favorite was “Hilarious!!!! It is amazing how they view themselves. She is American now!!!!!” *ARGH*

But let’s just back up a minute and I will tell you what I would do if one of my girls ever made that eye-pulling gesture.

1) I would tell my kids that under no circumstances are they to make that gesture in relation to themselves or someone else.

2) I would explain the history of that gesture is derogatory toward Asians, no matter who does it. (This is no different than if I had adopted a Black kid who wanted to try out using the N word in reference to him or herself. Nope. Not OK with me.)

3)We would have a long talk about the history of discrimination against Asians and other people of color in this country and help them understand that perpetuating those negative things are never ok. We would talk about the Chinese Exclusion act, the Japanese internment, slavery, the civil rights movement, post 9-11 discrimination against Muslims etc. It isn’t like “othering” Asians is a long-past historic relic. This shit is still happening.

4) Most importantly, I think I would take a GOOD LONG LOOK at the people we have around our kids. Why is it that an Asian child would think her eyes look like they are pulled back? Why aren’t Asian eyes normal for her? Does she not see Asian adults and Asian kids in her everyday life? My kids have never, ever thought their eyes were unusual to my knowledge. Why would they? They see lots of Asian eyes. Asian eyes are not actually that different than white people eyes and they certainly don’t look pulled back.

I have a friend whose son has a cranial abnormality/birth defect that is somewhat obvious. I would imagine if he came home saying “Mom, Hi! I’m like Sloth from the Goonies. ” and mashed his face so one eye was lower than the other. No one would argue that that was “cute”. * I think we would recognize that he is recognizing his own difference. I don’t think I would say, “Hey! Act like Sloth so I can video tape it and put it on the internet!” You know why? Because all of us know that Sloth is not a positive thing for a kid to associate himself with.

Would this mom think it was so cute if that little girl were mocking her own visible special need? I am guessing not.

That racist eye-pulling gesture has been used for decades to other and ridicule Asians. How is that cute? And also, now, since the gesture was recreated for the internet, this kid is going to think her parents think it is funny too. Not cool. Our kids need to know that we (white adoptive parents) get it even when they don’t. And we don’t tolerate racism in any way shape or form, even if it is out of ignorance or a joke or a mistake. If you laugh when she does this gesture, how can she come to you when kids are mocking her with that or with other racist crap at school?

When that racist thing happened to Mr. A and L on the bike trail, he said things like that have happened to him literally HUNDREDS of times in his life. It happened to L for the first time at age 5. Is “Ching Chong” cute? No. And L knows for sure her dad will address that kind of racism head on for her because he dealt with it didn’t let it slide. I mean, he could have just laughed it off because those kids were only in Jr. High and they were clearly so stupid (to yell at an adult and think they could get away with it) that it was actually kind of funny, but he didn’t. And if our kids were internalizing racist gestures or yelling “ching chong” themselves, I wouldn’t think it was funny nor would I want them to believe I thought it was cute.

In her follow up post (linked above) the mom seems to think people are saying there is something wrong with what her daughter did, but that isn’t the case. We all know that kid was just being a kid. She was either copying something she saw somewhere else or trying in her own way to process being different because she is Chinese.

People aren’t blaming the kid. People are saying there is something wrong with what the MOTHER did: taking the picture, thinking it was cute, not addressing the racism that gesture represents. (Maybe we should all take a minute and read this because odds are, one day we will each make a similar mistake.)

At this point there is no way that mom is going to back down from her defensive position. She is backed into a corner and she is going to defend her position that it is fine for her to think this is just a cute thing her kid did. Never mind that people tried to gently (click that link!) and not so gently point out her mistake, she doesn’t want to hear it.

There is no reason to waste energy trying to explain something to someone who is so entrenched. One day, she might look back and be embarrassed– just like I look back at many of the things I thought and did in the past. I would rather put my energy into educating and protecting my own kids.

______________________

* Also, my friend’s kid doesn’t look like Sloth and I asked his mom’s permission before I used him as an example.

**I linked to these above, but in case you missed them:

How Not to be a Doofus when Accused of Racism (A Guide for White People)

and

How to Tell People They Sound Racist

November 4, 2011 at 9:22 pm · Reply

I…there’s nothing that I can say that’s not brimming with anger and expletives. If anything, it should have been an opportunity for the mom to recognize her mistake and learn from it. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. Period.

November 4, 2011 at 9:49 pm · Reply

Thank you.

Deb

November 4, 2011 at 10:38 pm · Reply

Ah, I was hoping you’d weigh in on this one. Perhaps one of the reasons I dont have a blog is because I’m afraid I’d react to reasoned and on-target criticism just as she has: by digging in my heels and refusing to consider that I just might be WRONG. I just dont get how any thoughtful person can not see how problematic this is!

Shari

November 5, 2011 at 12:36 am · Reply

Thank you! I love these links.
My niece (senior in high school) who is not racist called a friend an Oreo and I nearly fainted. When I explained why this was so NOT right she said her friend calls himself that.
She said that race is not a big deal to her and her friends and they joke about it all the time. We live in a very white community, but her friends are a multitude of races.
I explained that just because they act like they think it is funny doesn’t mean they actually feel it is funny – and that it’s likely hurtful to them or someone else.
It hurt to think that this very smart kid, who would never do something to intentionally hurt feelings, thought this was OK.
SCARY that this crap is being passed down and no one is calling these kids out when they hear it.

sasha

November 5, 2011 at 3:31 am · Reply

I remember when C and L came home and C told me that some kids had pulled the slanty eyes at L at school. I was furious, and called the school to talk to the teacher about the supervision on the playground when several children are doing something TOTALLY RACIST AND WRONG and no adult calls them on it.

I then went to school to talk to the teacher about how racist it was. They did do something about it (which was suprising. Surprisingly nice)

I also sat down with C and L and talked about the fact that pulling slanty eyes is never funny. L then admitted it made her feel bad, and since both girls were pretty young at the time – I explained that doing that was like sticking your middle finger up at someone. It is a “swear” as the girls call it.

Being upfront and talking about this is the only way to combat it. I know that C. told her friends who didn’t understand at first that they were basically swearing at her sister (and any other asian person) when they pull slanty eyes. And you know, most kids got that.

I know that my L will face this countless times in her life. My best hope is that she knows her family will stand up for what is right.

This is one I haven’t thought about yet.i think you did it for me!

Linda

November 5, 2011 at 5:01 pm · Reply

Unfortunately, this adoptress has removed all the comments that were degrading to the adult adoptees who tried to get her to see how offensive this was. Not just from the obviously racist viewpoint, but from the genetic bewilderment viewpoint. Lori (5 of my own blog owner) is well known in blog land for belittling and dismissing adult adoptees who only care about the younger adoptees coming up. She is cruel and quite frankly, the WORST example of an adoptive parent.

Amanda

November 5, 2011 at 5:29 pm · Reply

As adult adoptee comments have a long history of being greeted with ignorance at the aforementioned blog, I will make my comment here.

You are correct in saying that the issue with the picture was not with what the child did. It is that her mother, a White woman, posed and took the picture, thought it was cute, and then proceeded to instruct one commenter, who is an Asian-Canadian adult adoptee, as to what is or isn’t racism. “If you don’t like it here just don’t come” how this particular blogger always responds but what kind of lesson is that? That it’s OK not to stand up to racism, adultism, and adoptism just because you know someone else won’t like it? I admire Mei-Ling for sharing how it made her feel.

One thing that bothers me as an adoptee is to read AP blogs and see what I call over-share about their children, their children’s stories, their children’s families, and their children’s adoption experiences. A lot of these things fall under the realm of “none of your business” and “the adoptee should be the one to share this with others if they choose to.” But posting drama and sensitive information gets a blog more followers and views, I suppose, and I guess that is better than a child’s reputation and respect? There are some things put on blogs by adoptive parents (or any parent, really) that I would.be.mortified if my parents had shared about me to the world. Parents need to understand, isn’t YOUR life or YOUR story or YOUR adoption. It’s OURS. Let us tell it for ourselves. That picture? An extreme example of this and oh so sad.

“Those who do not have power
over the story that dominates their lives,
power to retell it,
deconstruct it,
joke about it,
and change it as time changes,
truly are powerless,
because they cannot think new thoughts.”
–Solomon Rushdie

kimkim

November 5, 2011 at 9:54 pm · Reply

I showed the photo you are posting about to my husband and asked him “what do you see when you look at this photo?” he looked at it for some time and replied “It’s a child being playful”

That’s all that photo is.

It’s not someone being racist, it’s not her repeating something she saw done to her. She just looked at a book about China and then did that to her eyes for fun.

If her mother has said “oh don’t ever do that again it’s a terrible thing to do blab blah blah…” that would have been crazy.

It’s unfortunate that she asked her to do it again so she could take a photo thinking it was cute and then everybody goes mental and bullies the poor woman.

I am more disturbed by how nasty everyone was to her.

It’s ok to disagree with her but to outrightly abuse her is horrid.

So she has a “PAPER PREGNANT” t-shirt too and has a photo of herself in that as well. Perhaps you’d like to make a post about how terrible that is too.

Why don’t you all just write your blogs and stop trying to police each other.

I have read most of the adoption blogs and ALL OF YOU yes I mean ALL OF YOU write things that are offensive to someone. Your blog has things that I find offensive too.

I’m going to have to agree with the lady you are blogging about, take a chill pill.

Mei-Ling

November 6, 2011 at 8:08 am · Reply

“It’s not someone being racist, it’s not her repeating something she saw done to her. She just looked at a book about China and then did that to her eyes for fun.”

I don’t agree with the name-calling that you have mentioned.

I also don’t agree with how you are defending her. Her intent wasn’t to be racist. Her child wasn’t acting racist. The environment wasn’t racist. But the gesture itself has been used in racial contexts. And yes, it is used to mock and degrade other Asians.

This shouldn’t be encouraged. Really, it shouldn’t.

“My husband is european and we do not witness this kind of behaviour at all towards asians. I guess it makes me less sensitive to it and you might even say less aware.”

This type of statement rings as the “well I know xyz wasn’t really offended by it, so why should you be?” Or “it happens all the time, so don’t let it get to you” Please correct me if I am wrong, because that is how it is coming across.

AmericanFamily

November 5, 2011 at 10:13 pm · Reply

SOrry, this email address doesn’t match the one previously in my comments as Kimkim so I thought you stole her handle.

And I will say, who should call out other white adoptive parents? As a member of this community, when I see someone doing something offensive I have a responsibility to say so (And the thing that offended me most of all was the ridiculous comments that she let stand like “she is American now” and others that have since been deleted.)

I am not “attacking” this woman, I am answering a question a reader asked me my thought about that post. Listen, I have made mistakes too. I have put things on the internet I regret. That is how blogging goes. I am not involved in the disagreement between the adult adoptees and this woman. But as a fellow adoptive parent? I think she made a mistake in how she handled this situation, I was asked about it and I wrote what I thought.

I showed the picture to MY husband (who happens to be Asian) and he was not amused at all. In fact, he is so bothered he is actually going to write his own blog post about it.

KimKim.

November 6, 2011 at 12:12 am · Reply

Ok no problem. But ha ha thanks for showing my email to the WHOLE WORLD!!! I hope I don’t get a ton of crazy emails now.

You personally are not attacking her, you have argued elegantly, stating the point and not making abusive comments about her appearance or ageist comments about her age nor have you made derogatory comments just because she has adopted. But I have seen a lot of that and it was kind of disturbing. That’s why I say almost if not all adoption blogs are offensive to someone. If we try to police everything everyone says we go crazy. I know because I used to be like that too.

My husband is european and we do not witness this kind of behaviour at all towards asians. I guess it makes me less sensitive to it and you might even say less aware. I do wish she’d take that unfortunate photo down but after all the bullying I don’t think she will.

It’s just a blog, we get so precious about our blogs, it’s just a blog. As I said, I really think we ought to stop policing what everyone says and does. If you find a blog that isn’t saying something politically incorrect please send me a link, I’d love to see it.

Anyways I might be wrong, but this is how I feel about the whole saga. It’s not just about your post what I write, it’s the way the woman has been hounded and bullied and personally attacked, it’s just not an elegant way to argue a point. I don’t find your post about this to be bullying in any way.

It is still November « International Adoption Reader

November 5, 2011 at 10:18 pm · Reply

[...] of staying with this feeling, (because I really think there are others, with more authority, who have said what there was to say, and well enough) I would like to recommend some further reading on the subject of adoption, [...]

Amfam

November 6, 2011 at 12:15 am · Reply

I am totally interested in people’s thoughts about MY post or the post in question, but I am going to remove the posts where people are addressing each other about something that happened elsewhere (and of which I have no personal knowledge) because I am quite tired of getting 10,000 emails about it.

It isn’t personal and I am not interested in taking sides. Thank you all for your understanding!

KimKim.

November 6, 2011 at 9:59 pm · Reply

“I am totally interested in people’s thoughts about MY post or the post in question, but I am going to remove the posts where people are addressing each other about something that happened elsewhere (and of which I have no personal knowledge) because I am quite tired of getting 10,000 emails about it.

It isn’t personal and I am not interested in taking sides. Thank you all for your understanding!”

It would be really awesome if you followed through on that.

November 6, 2011 at 12:17 am · Reply

Hey Guys! Can we keep the comments on this thread about my actual post? I have no idea what happened in the situation you are all referring to. I don’t generally moderate my comments and I don’t want to now. Feel free to criticize my post at will.

KimKim.

November 6, 2011 at 9:57 pm · Reply

Actually you do moderate your comments. Pity you don’t moderate the abusive ones.
- AmericanFamily
  
  November 6, 2011 at 10:12 pm · Reply
  
  Kimkim,
  What is left that is abusive? Please let me know and I will delete it.
  - KimKim.
    
    November 7, 2011 at 9:16 am · Reply
    
    Thank you! Much appreciated!
- Amanda
  
  November 6, 2011 at 10:21 pm · Reply
  
  KimKim, your posts are among the rudest ones here!

KimKim.

November 6, 2011 at 2:32 am · Reply

Sorry!! Just read your comment.

Well I don’t want to criticise your post, I think what goes on between Linda and I right now is related to what I said about your post. ALL ADOPTION BLOGS ARE OFFENSIVE to someone.

An adoptee will write that all birthmothers are pathetic weak women who abandon their chidren willfully. An adoptive parent will give out too much information about her child or be way too pro-adoption and offend people who are busy with adoption reform.

A stupid photo like the one you post about now will be seen in one light but intended in aother. Where does it stop?

Shall we all just let each other be as offensive as we like or should we all walk on egg shells.

Should we not let you write birth mom because it offends some of us who find that title belitteling?

I don’t know if that photo is going to cause pain and degradation to all the Asian children in America. I don’t know think it’s meant to be a racist statement. I don’t agree with you but I also see your point..

I’m going to leave it up to you to decide what you think is right or wrong about the photo.

Please feel free to delete any comments that are not directly relevant to you post. I kind of wish you hadn’t allowed the first one through because it was kind of obvious that it was just a cheap shot at me. Very sorry that I brought that over with me, I forgot to shut the door on my way in!

Mei-Ling

November 6, 2011 at 8:12 am · Reply

“ALL ADOPTION BLOGS ARE OFFENSIVE to someone.”

I believe the blog post here, and at the multiple blogs spanning blogosphere, that the issue was about a woman willfully adamant that making a racist gesture isn’t racist so long as it is in the right context.

Or, you know, we deal with it every day so that makes it okay because fighting against it is more exhausting than just letting it all pass like it doesn’t matter. /sarcasm

Seriously. It’s not the child’s fault. It’s not the mother’s fault. what IS the mother’s fault is that she is encouraging it because she knew it could potentially be perceived as a racist slur. Racism is racism, period. Even if not intended.

November 6, 2011 at 4:10 pm · Reply

KimKim,

You’re right, anyones blog has the potential to be offensive to any person, based on who someone is and their own opinions and whether or not they agree with the other person. A lot of whether or not something is or isn’t offensive is relative to the individual people involved.

However, racism is absolutely, universally, wrong. Always. All the time. Period.

No one ever wants to talk about racism or say that a gesture, concept, or word is racist because then people start freaking out “I AM NOT A RACIST!” I’m not talking about people and people being racist here. I am talking about the gesture being racist. Someone pulling back their eyes IS a racist gesture. It doesn’t mean anyone meant to do anything wrong. It doesn’t mean the child was wrong or did anything wrong. But it IS an opportunity to enter into a discussion about race and racism. Posting a picture of an Asian child making a gesture that she did not know the social meaning to, for all the world to see, was not appropriate. I don’t think it is all that wild for adoptees, especially Asian adoptees, to let the mother of the child know how they perceived it. I think it is absolutely outrageous how many adoptive parents are content to think they know anything and everything about the adopted experience and undervalue, if not outright disregard, all that adult adoptees would be sharing with them.

And you know what I do, especially as a White woman, when someone says I was not appropriate?

I apologize. I evaluate my actions. Then I act/speak accordingly.

It’s really that simple.

issycat

November 6, 2011 at 7:01 pm · Reply

I notice that the OP has changed in the past few days to now include this tagline at the bottom,
“sigh, yes my beautiful daughter…you not only look Chinese…you are Chinese.”
Perhaps she truly did use the moment as a teaching lesson…eventually. Perhaps the voices of the so-called “angry adoptees” actually did have an impact.
I have a feeling that the mother in question is simply a very prideful woman who is not used to being called out in any form. She is probably used to being praised and obviously has a very thin skin.
I get the feeling that the OP is not a person who has had much experience with feeling she has done something wrong and her reaction is to get overtly defensive.
It would have been easier if she had simply acknowledged that perhaps the OP in it’s original form was not the most tolerant or helpful post and gone from there.
I am the mother of two children who the world considers to be of “mixed race”. We talk about race and skin color all the time in our house because it comes up as we do not all have the same skin. And there have been times when we have had to gently correct our children about their views on race and skin color. At the same time, I try very hard to keep my kids pictures off of the public internet.
Do I think the OP posted the picture trying to stir up trouble? Probably not.
Do I think the picture was troubling? Yes. Absolutely. Especially since it was more than likely staged considering most of us mothers don’t have the camera ready to take a spontaneous picture like that. Her daughter probably did do it in the moment and then was asked to do it again to capture the moment for internet consumption. And that in itself is disturbing.
What I found troublesome is that when adults who were adopted internationally as children tried to explain why the post was offensive and the blogger dismissed them and ridiculed them.
It is one thing to do something out of ignorance but it is another thing to ridicule those with experience because you want to save face among your followers.
And now she and her ilk are calling adoptees “unchristian”. It’s unchristian to be offended by racism and hostility? Since when?
But it is interesting, the edits she continues to do on her blog. Too little too late? I hope not for her kids. They are the ones who truly matter in all of this.

November 6, 2011 at 8:49 pm · Reply

I agree, Amanda. ALL forms of racism are wrong. When I first saw the offensive picture, racism was not the first thing that came to my mind. My mind immediately went to genetic bewilderment. Maybe that is because I am a white adoptee, and I am not faced with racism.

All adoptees know what genetic bewilderment is, as we are not genetically related to our adoptive family. When an adoptee is a different race, (and is raised in a mostly white midwestern town)it adds enormously to the genetic bewilderment. Either way, every adoptee I know was sickened that this child was shown doing this. It is an invasion of privacy, and something that could have been written about WITHOUT showing her face. And the adoptees who have responded to this should not have been criticized..especially not Mei-Ling.

Thank you for this blog, it is nice to see that you are an ap who gives those of us who live this a chance. I am always happy when I find ap’s who actually care about our experiences and do not belittle adult adoptees. We don’t post on ap blogs for ourselves, we post for the adoptees coming behind us. We don’t speak for all adoptees, but we may speak for some. If one adoptee is helped because of what one of us has said, it makes all of this worth it.

November 6, 2011 at 10:16 pm · Reply

Linda,

My mind also immediately went to genetic bewilderment and also to the internalization of racial differences and differences in physical appearance, e.g. the studies where Black children point to a Black doll and say “this one looks most like me” and then say “the White doll is nicer than the Black doll, the Black doll is bad” because they’ve already realized racial differences, biases in society, and internalized racism at a young age. And this is despite the fact that their parents may have noooo clue the kids have been exposed to racism. Hell, there are studies that show three year olds internalize gender stereotypes that boys are better than girls. There’s a great clip of Dr. Crumbley in the ADOPTED documentary discovering that 4 year old Asian adoptees had been exposed to racism and the “slanty eye” mockery and their parents had no clue they had experienced this.

I feel like I am being a bit defeatest in not mentioning it. I didn’t mention it because I already perceived that the “5 of my own” blogger would just say “you don’t know her, I’m her mom!” She’s right, I don’t know her daughter. But I know adoptees and what being adopted is like. I (you and we all) have valuable things to share that she’s not interested in hearing about them. Kudos to those who brought it up <3 <3

Von

November 6, 2011 at 11:25 pm · Reply

Racism in whatever form it shows itself is not right nor is adoptism, adultism, sexism or any other -ism.I say that not because I’m so PC I can’t stand an -ism it’s because -isms are designed to belittle, to disempower, to put down and to show a minority group who has the power around here and is top of the heap.Many adult adoptees are concerned for the way young adoptees are being treated in adoption, for the adopters who get approved when they shouldn’t and for the dozens of other ways in which life later will be hard for adoptees as they grow up.Lori at Five of my Own has also posted photos of a five year old showing her trauma, her anguish and distress for the world to see.That is a heartbreaking display of traumaporn peddling, showing no compassion, no understanding of why it’s wrong and no care for a relationship with a young adoptee.Her take on what is acceptable is racist, adoptist and in every way appalling.She is sadly not alone, there are many other adopters who think it cute to post photos of traumatised, suffering young adoptees.If they must why have open blogs? Share with relatives and friends but close the blog!! How hard is that and if not why not?

mlschot

November 7, 2011 at 1:22 am · Reply

amen, sister. big thumbs up on this post.

My Thoughts « Adopt This!

November 7, 2011 at 3:37 pm · Reply

[...] posted this comment at the American Family blog but it didn’t get [...]

HeavenstoBetsy

November 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm · Reply

I found the photograph racist, and don’t understand why anyone would post such a thing, or why the blogger wouldn’t remove it as soon as its offensive nature was politely brought to her attention.
I agree that the only reason why she wouldn’t is offended pride. I also think the onslaught of venom that was directed at her later has probably hardened her in her position and ultimately done more harm then good.

In response to the genius who said that “-isms are designed to belittle, to disempower, to put down and to show a minority group who has the power around here and is top of the heap”, -ism is a suffix used to form action nouns from verbs (i.e baptism), and as a productive suffix in the formation of nouns denoting action or practice, state or condition, principles, doctrines, a usage or characteristic, devotion or adherence, etc. (criticism; barbarism; Darwinism; despotism; plagiarism; realism; witticism; intellectualism).

December 13, 2011 at 12:29 am · Reply

Don’t you lurv a pedant!