the next kid
Sky asked several questions but tonight I am only answering two:
If you adopted again, would you go for domestic or international adoption?
We adopted from China because we felt like our home would be the better fit for a Chinese kid if they were coming to the US anyway. Because Mr. A is Chinese/Taiwanese American, or family already incorporates a lot of Chinese cultural stuff. Mr. A studied Chinese and lived in China for a year, we eat and cook Chinese food, we have Asian relatives, we plan to travel regularly to Asia, Mr. A wants our kids to learn Chinese, he has a strong Asian identity etc. It just made sense for us.
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We didn’t adopt because we couldn’t have another kid. We assume we had no physical impediments to getting me knocked up at will (especially since M was unplanned and in spite of some half-assed attempts at using birth control). We adopted because I thought we would be the kind of parents who would be able to rise to the challenge of the extra needs of an adopted kid (which remains to be seen!). While we were prepared for the challenges of being adoptive parents, we weren’t interested in adding another culture to the mix. I mean, look at the struggles I already have managing Chinese tutoring!
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If we were going to have another kid just for the sake of adding a third, I would probably go the pregnant route because I feel so strung out over the situation with L’s family and I can’t imagine adding another birth family to the mix. Mr. A had a vasectomy, so this is not really an option, nor do we want a third kid anyway (I am tired…though I would like a puppy.)
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If we were going to adopt again (we are NOT), we would adopt from China or Taiwan. We would probably adopt through the special needs program, with a strong preference for a kid with a limb difference. (This is because I have a good friend whose son is missing a hand and I have seen what a non-issue it can be. My sister was also born with polysyndactyly of the toes so that doesn’t scare me either.)
Has Mr. A’s family pushed for a boy to carry on the family name? We have three girls and are getting some family pressure to go again for a boy (like that can be guaranteed!!).
Short answer: Yes.
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Slightly longer answer: Mr. A is the only son, so they would like a boy. Mr. A’s dad seems to favor his sister’s son too, but it isn’t that big a deal. Once we adopted L, Mr. A’s dad said “Now that she is adopted, you can have a real baby too. A boy.” But you know what? Mr. A’s parents are crazy (really crazy) and they don’t have that much influence over us. It isn’t that big a deal and on the rare occasions when it comes up, we ignore them. Knowing it is a cultural thing makes it a little easier. MIL’s brother (Mr. A’s uncle) brought little rice-flour penises as offerings when we
visited his ancestor’s graves, so Mr. A’s parents are really not as over the top as they could be.
Is it sick that the only thing I am taking away from this post tonight is that I really want to see what rice-flour penises look like?
It was a mistake for me to try to google that! Basically, they were little penis shaped mochi. Like 5 of them all in a row, molded that way. The funny thing was, he didn’t leave them at the alter thingy. He took them home, presumably to eat them!
I hear you about not knowing about adding another family through adoption. I would really like to have more kids than just Mara and I hope that her mom will wait to have more until she’s prepared to parent and so we won’t have to step in there, though we will if we have to and that always has to be at the back of my mind, but the idea of having to manage more relationships is overwhelming.