Linkypoo

I am not actually dead, nor have I fallen off the face of the earth.  I have just been very very busy.

In lieu of a post, today you get links that I found interesting.   This includes one that answers one of my long-neglected questions about finding searchers in Ethiopia (which I know nothing at all about).

  • The Art of Gift Giving in China  We recently received a gift from L’s birth family that was very similar to the gift we gave them when we met in China. I am guessing this is due to the reciprocity issue detailed in that article.
  • Open adoptions from Ethiopia.  There are also searchers there who will track down children’s information and/or families. More info on that here.  (And holy cow, that sounds like a lot of money!)
December 30th, 2011 | Category: Adoption, Race and Culture | 4 comments

wasted housewife talents and a hapa or unhapaness

Sorry it is taking me a billion years to get through all the questions you all sent me waaaaaay back when.  The good news is the ones I have answered so far have really helped me work through some of the open adoption related angst I was feeling. The bad news is, I am kind of burned out from all the over processing.  I will get to them, though. I just might have to answer a few a week interspersed with other stuff until I get done.A few more:Sky asks:As a stay at home mum, I sometimes feel like I am wasting my talents. Do you ever feel that or other mummy guilt?I don’t think I really have any work-related talents, unless you consider the ability to look busy while really surfing the internet to be a talent.  That was what I most excelled at in most of my previous jobs.

Oh, and I also have a serious talent for remembering the appearance, layout and sale history of every single house that has sold in my neighborhood in the past four years.  I love houses so much I have even considered becoming a realtor one day, but it wouldn’t be until the kids are much older or maybe even off to college.

My primary work-related guilt involves the fact that I hate cleaning the house.  I have a nagging belief that since I am here all day, I should do more cleaning and upkeep but I just don’t like to do it.  Maybe next year when L goes to kindergarten, I will do a better job cleaning the house. Or maybe I will get a part-time job so someone else will clean it.

S’s Mom asks

do you use the term “hapa”? I think it would feel strange saying it. Likewise my relative is black/Asian and I would feel strange saying Blasian to her. I just say biracial or multiracial.

 have been introducing the idea of “hapa” to M.  I made her watch a hapa organization video on youtube last month.  She was kind of uninterested, but you know, she is eight.  She is very comfortable with the idea that she is “Chinese and white” or “Asian and American”  (her words, not mine).

While there are more half or part Asians around than there used to be (especially where we live in the Midwest), M is still a pretty small minority.  She has a friend at school who is also half-Chinese and I have heard them talking about what exactly “half chinese” means before.  Clearly, it means something to her.
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M is going to live a life where she passes as white most of the time.  She is well-aware that Chinese people do not see her as Chinese, but our family considers her to be Chinese/Taiwanese (or maybe Asian/ Asian American). She knows that Chinese people don’t see her as much Chinese at all. Her father’s Asian identity is very important to him.  That the kids have an Asian identity is important to him.  While that racial identity is important in our family, culturally we are not very Chinese/Taiwanese.  Culturally, we are mostly American with a little Chinese around the edges.
M’s experience as a mixed-race person is unique in our family. Every other person in our near extended family is either white or Asian (though she does have some cousins who are Taiwanese/Korean American which is its own mix).  I  don’t know yet what that will be like for her.  I am sure at times it will be difficult, but I am confident that in the end M will be able to figure it all out.
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I like the idea of “hapa” because there has been so much hapa activism lately (here, here, here, and here for example).  I like the idea of M knowing how to find people who have shared her experience of being mixed race Asian if she wants to.  I like the idea of one word that can encompass a bit of her experience rather than the unwieldy ”third generation Chinese American and white, raised in the Midwest, doesn’t speak much Chinese, etc.”
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We also talk generally about mixed-race people, too, but introducing M to the idea ”hapa” is more specific.  I don’t know how she will identify as she gets older, maybe she will think of herself as hapa, or mixed race or maybe just white.  It isn’t up to me.  I just put the ideas out there and see what sticks.  Also, I don’t generally say she is hapa to other people because I assume they won’t know what it means.
December 12th, 2011 | Category: Marvelous Miss M, Motherhood, Race and Culture | 12 comments

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…

When M started school, it quickly became clear that she was a teacher’s pet.    She is cute and an easy student to teach.  She is a sweet girl and a people pleaser who will pretty much bend over backwards if she thought that was what the teacher wanted.

I could not relate to this child.

*I* have never been a teachers pet.  *I* am the kid who has “socializes too much on every report card, every year of my life.

My MOTHER is a teacher’s pet perfectionist.

OH My God, I thought, I am raising my MOTHER.  This is not going to be pretty.

And then it happened.  In third grade, at age 8.    The focus of M’s people pleasing shifted from pleasing teachers to pleasing other kids.

We had a rather surprising parent teacher conference where the teacher (for the first time ever!) did not say the sun rose and set on M.  This teacher has seen third grade boundary testing and she is onto that game.

Three times this year, we have received letters home (handwritten by M) telling us she had to stay in at recess for some kind of showing-off shenanigans.   After the second one, M was warned that she would lose privileges at home if she brings home a note from teacher.  Today, we got another note.

So now, I am in the position of trying to create punishments for exactly the same kinds of crap I have pulled myself my entire.  Shenanigans which are quite honestly, ridiculous and not that big a deal…except she too wound up and a little disrespectful (which we all know is why it is FUNNY to the other kids) so we have to show her that when she is out of line we will pull her back into line.

What *is* the correct punishment for a girl who intentionally calls the visiting city manager by his first name THREE TIMES (in a jokey, show offy, way too loud way) after her teacher clearly explained that they should call him Mr. City Manager?

We are trying one week of no TV, no DS and (this is the big one) no recreational reading.  M has reading homework most nights, so for the next week I am going to be the one who gets to select what she reads.   I am trying to think of really, really boring topics.  No more beloved wizard cats, maybe dumptrucks or baseball?

We are talking about the third grade equivalent of someone having one beer to many and making out with one of her girlfriends.  You know, because it would be funny to the girls at the table and hot for the guys  (ok, that was ME).

I can see this is my parenting destiny to raise a child who is just a leeetle too interested in being entertaining.

Just. Like. ME.

 

 

 

December 9th, 2011 | Category: Marvelous Miss M | 22 comments
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