You all may not have noticed, but I gave myself a nice little blog break there. In part, this is because I feel guilty because I still haven’t answered all the questions I requested…way back in OCTOBER.
The questions I have left are complicated, so I haven’t been eager to answer them. But if I am going to blog, it looks like I am going to have to suck it up and do it already (probably like I have been a few at a time).
Stillplayswithbarbies asks several questions all at once, so I am breaking them up:
I would like to read more about Taiwan and family dynamics in Taiwanese families. I have a daughter adopted from Taiwan, and while I am interested in everything you have to say, I am especially interested in anything about Taiwan.
Mr. A’s family is not a typical Taiwanese family. I suspect that the dynamics of his family are much more informed by mental illness and the immigrant experience (which can make even non-crazy people dysfunctional). It was interesting to see Mr. A’s relatives in Taiwan and find normal and sane. They had normal jobs/businesses and seemed much more like regular American families than like Mr. A’s family. I suspect if they had stayed in Taiwan, Mr. A’s family would still have been dysfunctional but they would have been less dysfunctional because the kids would have had some extended family support they lacked in the US. To sum it up, I can’t help you. If you want to talk about the dynamics of a family riddled with mental illness, then I would be more helpful.
As for Taiwan itself, we decided it was the Midwest of Asia. Not so sexy, not so flashy, not cutting edge, but people there were industrious and nice. It seemed like a pretty pleasant place to be, but everyone thought somewhere else might be more interesting. This is how I always felt about Ohio, so I could relate. I also found it less easy to get around without being able to read Chinese (less written english) but the spoken english of the average college graduate seemed very proficient. We also thought it was much more Chinese than China. There seemed to be much less focus on luxury/flashiness, much more traditional Chinese culture, etc. Like China without the trauma of communism and 40 years of intense, government-imposed poverty and crazy.
This answer is not so helpful, I know.
A specific question I have is about birthparent search in Taiwan. We have names and addresses. It is an open adoption in the sense that all identifying info on both sides is in all the court documents. Our daughter is three years old. When/how should we make contact?
If it were me, I would do it by letter. I would update her on your daughter’s development and lay out your reasons for wanting contact. I would also outline how I would like that contact to look (letters? timeline? etc.). Learn from my mistakes and go with less contact at the beginning. You can always add more, but it much harder to do less later. I would also assume she has been told it is healthiest if she just forgets about the baby and moves on. The letter may be intercepted by her parents or spouse or something, so I wouldn’t assume a lack of response meant she was choosing to not have contact. I would also make a webpage with photos of your daughter (updated from time to time) so you can put a statcounter on it to see if anyone is looking. That way, even if they don’t respond, you know if someone is interested.
A more generic related question: L’s birthfamily is intact and mature. What are your thoughts on approaching other types of birthfamilies such as mature single mom, teenage mom living at home with her parents, divorced parents, etc.? How to gauge if they would be receptive to contact, or if waiting a few years is better? I am thinking that making contact too early may scare them off forever, perhaps? Would love to hear your thoughts.
I always try to think what I would want if I was the birth mother. If my child were out in the world without me, I would want to know she is ok asap. It seems almost cruel to me to withhold that information. I would also be afraid that they would move or something and you would lose the ability to contact them later.
What I am hearing in your post is that you are concerned about the wellbeing of the birthmom, which is great. And you also want the best possibility of successful contact. I don’t think waiting will necessarily ensure that. Every birth mom is going to be different so you won’t know until you reach out to her. There is no patented best practices in international open adoption. You are just going to have to feel your way through it. It is hard. Also, I suspect reaching out is not going to get easier of you wait a longer time.
Stillplayswithbarbies, I have have made friends with persons that are adult Taiwanese adoptees that are in reunion with their birth families. They say that it was extremely easy to locate their birth families because of the national household registration system. If you have their names (characters) and know where they lived at one time… like on your child’s birth certificate… then it is pretty easy to find them later if they are still living and in Taiwan.
We have an open adoption and are somewhat communicating with members of our child’s birth family in Taiwan. A member of the birth family has agreed to meet with us when we return to Taiwan soon. I think I might know who you are and we’ve met in person. I’ll send you a PM in case you want to talk about this more privately.
Hmmm. I am slightly offended by the idea of Taiwan being considered the Midwest of Asia. But I was born and raised in Los Angeles, so I probably have a superiority complex. But if you’re thinking Midwest as in Chicago, then I would be more inclined to agree.
Basically I don’t agree that Taiwan seems “like a pretty pleasant place to be, but everyone thought somewhere else might be more interesting.” This is not the sentiment I get from my relatives and friends in Taiwan.
I also think Taiwan is more cutting edge than you give it credit for. Boba (bubble tea) and the concept of boba tea shops originated in Taiwan, for example.
“I suspect if they had stayed in Taiwan…they would have been less dysfunctional because the kids would have had some extended family support they lacked in the US.” — Great insight. I think that could apply to my family as well.
I am offended that you are offended that I likened Taiwan to the Midwest, which happens to be where I like living. What is wrong with the midwest? Have you ever even visited
?
I didn’t really feel that Taiwan or Taipei was at all like Chicago. It had only one big tall building! It’s main airport is like a regional airport in a tiny podunk town in the US. Yes it has boba, great food and a lovely high speed train, but over all we didn’t think it was super-exciting.
To be fair, we went to Taiwan right after spending 2 weeks in HK which was incredibly urban and sophisticated. Taiwan just did not feel that way at all. Taipei felt crowded, but not hip. It’s architecture & landscape was not particularly interesting; the museums had some interesting stuff in them but not displayed particularly attractively; it was kind of dirty (though nowhere near as dirty as China). It was fine and pleasant, but not impressive, Particularly when we were outside of Taipei.
As for people saying they like other places better, we spent most of our time with older relatives who like to travel to Japan and HK a lot, so maybe their POV is not typical of younger Taiwanese?
When we were discussing the hierarchy of where we visited that we would like to live, Taipei came in second to HK, but way above anywhere in China due to dirtiness, pollution, disfunctionality and the general PR Chinese unwilliness to follow laws (traffic & construction standards especially).
I just didn’t think Taiwan was particularly sexy. Maybe you can write a post about your impressions of Taiwan for the original questioner instead? I have only been there once, so what do I know?
OK, you’re right, I was talking out of my ass. Other than Chicago, the only other midwestern town I’ve been to was Kent, Ohio, and I wasn’t there long enough (2 days) to form any kind of impression except that the people were really nice.
I think the reason I have a different view of Taiwan is because when I was there, we hung out with people our age and they took us to the trendy places. We mainly hung around cafes and snack shops and enjoyed the nightlife (this was all before parenthood). So I actually got the impression that Taiwan was pretty cool. Granted, HK is awesome, but Taiwan is not too shabby either. So if we were to take our original analogy, perhaps Tokyo=NYC, HK=LA, and Taiwan=Portland? Small, nice people, not too flashy but still kinda cool and modern.
I think part of the reason that people travel outside of Taiwan a lot is because it is a tiny island (you can drive from top to bottom in 5 hours) so they’ve probably seen all the major stuff already, and travelling to HK and Japan is so easy.
I am not sure what I can say with regards to the original question. I’ve only been there once as an adult and didn’t really see anyone in a “family” environment. I don’t remember much about the trips there as a child. I would only really be able to talk about my own family here in the US but I don’t think we are very typical either (also because of mental illness).
I thought Taipei was huge… lots to see, eat, shop… and very clean. (My points of reference are Chicago, Orlando, Seattle, Denver, Indianapolis, DFW, etc. Also many large cities in Germany and Prague, Czech Republic. Prague… now that was dirty! Trash all over and men openly urinating on the ground at the train station!) A great example how Taipei keeps clean is that it is illegal to eat or drink on the MRT and there are signs posted in the trains of the dollar amount of the fine. I found it amazing how neat and clean the subway cars were. In the US one would find McDonalds wrappers and plastic soda pop bottles on the ground… chewing gum stuck to the walls… etc. People in Taipei also seemed very fashion conscious, especially hair styles and shoes. Outside of Taipei, not so much. I spent time in Tai Chung, Tainan, and Ping Tung and found things to be much more… run down… and not so clean.
I think it depends on where in Taipei you visited. Central Taipei City is all tall buildings, and the Taipei 101 building is like the 2nd tallest building in the world.
And yes, a lot of the older folks seem to like somewhere else, but the younger folks are different. I know quite a few ABCs that have actually moved back to Taiwan, much to the surprised of their parents that tried to hard to leave!
Also I’m surprised you found Taiwan crowded after Hong Kong… I mean, I find Taipei crowded as well but Hong Kong gives me claustrophobia
“Boba” is bubble tea?
I have never heard that term used before.
Yah, “boba” is tapioca. Usually it is called something like “boba nai cha” (forgive my bad pinyin) and we (Asian Americans in LA) usually just call it “boba” as in “Wanna go get some boba?” I believe that the literal translation of “boba” is “big-breasted”.
My friends in Taiwan refer to it as boba tea, as well as Vietnamese American friends here in the midwest.
The Chinese word is 波霸奶茶 (Boba Milk Tea).
And 波霸 is also a slang used to describe a woman with big breasts
I lived in Taipei for two years and also lived in different parts of China for two years. I would agree with you that Taiwan is more traditional Chinese than mainland China. I keep telling my mainland born husband that he should visit Taiwan so he can see what traditional chinese life was like before the cultural revolution. You have to be there awhile to really appreciate all that it has to offer. One really interesting thing is how accepted homosexuality is there. I had a gay room-mate there who was Chinese so got to experience a lot of the gay night life there. very fun. Definitely not something I would have ever experienced in China.
“If you have their names (characters) and know where they lived at one time… like on your child’s birth certificate…”
I echo this, and that sending a letter is probably the better approach – one, because you can take your time and choose your wordings (and have ample time to make sure you get translations), and two – if the people have an emotional reaction, they have their own space to recompose themselves and then respond at their own pace. That way no one feels threatened.
Also, if for some reason the family moves to another building, you might be able to get a lead through the agency. In all honesty I am not sure if the adoption facilitator can help if the family moves to another address, but if you can somehow get access to someone who knows of the family (a neighbour or a third party through the adoption agency, it might be better than nothing.
I love the idea of a website with photos and statcounter. Thanks for that great tip. I am going to make one for my daughter’s foster family – we have no info yet on birthfamily (China). But I wonder if I could embed Mandarin characters describing her finding location and if that might generate a hit from someone looking for her? Hmmm…probably a crazy shot in the dark but it’s an idea…