When I can step back and look at the big picture, the real point of all this blogging has been about me figuring out things that didn’t turn out how I expected, things I can’t control and things I can’t fix. This is where I think about these things. I roll them around and try to figure out a better way and gnash my teeth when I can’t.

I can’t remember if I have written here before about my Myers Briggs personality type.  I am an INTJ.  Lately, I have been thinking life would be easier if I could just hand new acquaintances a card that says:

“I am an INTJ.  I am judgey and blunt. Don’t take it personally, I don’t judge anyone more harshly than I judge myself.  I have the unusual ability to see almost every pitfall and unintended consequence almost instantaneously. I then occupy myself with trying to negate them. I expect others to appreciate this insight with the same emotional detachment I do.“

Being an INTJ makes parenting kind of a pain in the ass. Kids are difficult to analyze and the outcomes are unpredictable.

An INTJ is not warm and fuzzy. I think about my kids constantly. I work incredibly hard to be the best parent for these specific children, but I am not and likely never will be warm and fuzzy. I worry they will interpret my practicality as a lack of affection.

I found this description of INTJ parents describing me to a T: “Keirsey (1998) described INTJ parenthood as a carefully researched and prepared strategy.  INTJ parents, he notes, will have read everything available on child rearing, digested the information, formed their own conclusions, built a plan, and will carry it out.  Like all Rational parents, they have a tendency towards sternness, and this tendency is stronger for Judgers.”

This blog is the result of the researching, planning, and implementation of the Parent I Want To Be project. And I am stern. I plan ways to be less stern and more touchy-feely, but it doesn’t come naturally to me.

And this one:

“…the INTJ mother is intellectually concerned with addressing the complexities inherent in a child’s everyday life. She accepts very few situations at face value, lifting the day-to-day to a higher level of importance and meaning.”

Yup. Angsty navel gazing. Pondering the existential questions of parenting these children in our particular circumstances. This is more the parenting job I embrace than the laundry and the playing of Candyland.

And this:

“The INTJ mother may need more time alone away from her children than many other mothers. To be her best self, the INTJ must nurture her introspection and analysis—both of which require time and space. Being physically and emotionally available to her children needs to be balanced with time for her to think, read, or listen to the silence.”

One of my very first posts on this blog about relief at having some time away from my kid.  After only one year at home! Nine years later, I laugh at my new-parent self. If only she knew it would be NINE YEARS before found the right balance. I will confess that now that L is in kindergarten full-time, I feel like these have been my most enjoyable months of parenting. I have time to hear myself think which means when the kids come home from school, I can actually listen to what they have to say… rather than listening to my own internal monolog about  how long a good parent should tolerate pretending to be interested in their blabbering about iCarly and Harry Potter before escaping.

This is not a flattering admission. See, I am blunt, even about myself and my own shortcomings.

And this:

“she may feel inadequate if she compares herself to more domestic mothers who have a house full of homey nick-knacks and daughters with bows and braids.”

Yes! How do those moms do it? I do not have the interest, stamina or attention to appearances to care about or prioritize these things that come so easily to other people. My girls wear only black rubber bands in their hair because I can not manage finding hair doodads that match their outfits every day.  Practical. That is my strong suit.

I am writing this at the end of this blog before I print it out for my girls because I want them to know that my failings and personality quirks are just part of who I am, not the result of flaws in our relationship. I am going to print out the writing I did about their childhoods and my parenting struggles and our lives together so they will know my heart and intentions.

I suck at sharing emotional things in real life, but girls – My Beautiful and Amazing Girls – I have been trying to be the best mom I can be.

I know that by the time you are ready to read this, you might have years of misunderstandings and hurt feelings and angst coloring your view of who I am and who we are as a family. This is what growing up will do. There are evolutionary forces working on our relationship, trying to make you independent and ready to move on to your own journey in the world.  This means you might need to think your mom is a jerk who never has and never will understand you or care about you. It is the nature of the beast.

While it stings to think that one day you will really believe I don’t really know you (or maybe even that I don’t want to know you), I am telling you it isn’t true.  I know you. Every particle of your being is fascinating to me, even if I sometimes feel compelled to tell you that you are wrong or make funny stories out of embarrassing things that happened to you or maybe sometimes even be snippy and sarcastic.

(And I know this might make you angry with me and it might hurt our relationship but I can only be the person I am and that is the lot you drew when I became your mother. Sorry about your luck, kids. You get what you get. Sometimes you aren’t perfect either.)

I love you both to the moon and back.

I have only ever wanted the best for you. I have tried to think ahead to the women you will be, do what I can to prepare you for the world and make the world a better place for you to live. I tried to guess the struggles you will face and prepare for them.

I see you. I see your kind hearts. Both of you have a sweetness and gentleness to your natures that I have never had. You are such different girls, but both of you are so amazing it takes my breath way. I live every day hoping I get the chance to see the women and partners and mothers you will one day be.

I have never been perfect, but I hope I will have been good enough.

Being your mother has been the best, hardest thing in my life. It has been worth every moment of angst and frustration and struggle (and every smile, laugh and hug). Thank you for sharing your lives with me. (And please, don’t hold a grudge because I shared this journey with the internet! It made me a better mother.)

My love always and forever,

Mama