Sharing your child with other parents (as seen on tv)

Is anyone else watching Switched at Birth?   It is a story about two teens who were (wait for it…..) switched at birth.  When they discover the error, there is a lot of introspection and thinking about what is nature/nurture/family etc.

Maybe it is just me, but there were a lot of threads in it I could relate to.   It isn’t about adoption, but it is, kinda.  Also, several of the main characters are deaf, which adds an additional plot point (and reminds me of the communications problems we have with L’s family).   It is a teen show and is a little cheesy, but so far it hasn’t jumped the shark.

You should check it out. The first season is free online or it is on netflix.

Speaking of adoption and L’s family, this week I googled “adoption reunion stages” and it was funny to see the results that came up.  This one lists the stages of reunion as 1) Excitement 2) Obsession 3) Confusion (including pullback) 4) Figuring it out and 5) Acceptance.

We all know that the “reunion” with L’s family is not MY reunion, so I am embarrassed to admit that I can look back on the past year and see myself going through these stages.  Even though my intention was to be careful and rational, bringing L’s family into our lives –as wonderful and complicated as it is– created a lot of emotional upheaval for me.

A few months ago, I was solidly in Confusion which I would also have called Regret with a Side Order of Pullback.  Pullback from contact, pullback from thinking about it, pull back from my blog where I process anything that is on my mind.

I recently talked to someone who also just made contact with her child’s birth family.  Seeing the tiniest bit of someone else’s experience made me realize how turned upside-down and stressful things have been for me.  I told her that her feelings will come in waves and you just have to ride them out.  Things will settle down eventually.

I wish someone had told me that before.

It is getting easier, but it still isn’t easy.  I am getting to be ok with that.

 

February 1st, 2012 | Category: Adoption, Open International Adoption | 2 comments

Linkypoo

I am not actually dead, nor have I fallen off the face of the earth.  I have just been very very busy.

In lieu of a post, today you get links that I found interesting.   This includes one that answers one of my long-neglected questions about finding searchers in Ethiopia (which I know nothing at all about).

  • The Art of Gift Giving in China  We recently received a gift from L’s birth family that was very similar to the gift we gave them when we met in China. I am guessing this is due to the reciprocity issue detailed in that article.
  • Open adoptions from Ethiopia.  There are also searchers there who will track down children’s information and/or families. More info on that here.  (And holy cow, that sounds like a lot of money!)
December 30th, 2011 | Category: Adoption, Race and Culture | 4 comments

the next kid

Sky asked several questions but tonight I am only answering two:

If you adopted again, would you go for domestic or international adoption?
We adopted from China because we felt like our home would be the better fit for a Chinese kid if they were coming to the US anyway. Because Mr. A is Chinese/Taiwanese American, or family already incorporates a lot of Chinese cultural stuff.  Mr. A studied Chinese and lived in China for a year, we eat  and cook Chinese food, we have Asian relatives, we plan to travel regularly to Asia, Mr. A wants our kids to learn Chinese, he has a strong Asian identity etc. It just made sense for us.
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We didn’t adopt because we couldn’t have another kid.  We assume we had no physical impediments to getting me knocked up at will (especially since M was unplanned and in spite of some half-assed attempts at using birth control).   We adopted because I thought we would be the kind of parents who would be able to rise to the challenge of the extra needs of an adopted kid (which remains to be seen!).   While we were prepared for the challenges of being adoptive parents, we weren’t interested in adding another culture to the mix.  I mean, look at the struggles I already have managing Chinese tutoring!
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If we were going to have another kid just for the sake of adding a third, I would probably go the pregnant route because I feel so strung out over the situation with L’s family and I can’t imagine adding another birth family to the mix.  Mr. A had a vasectomy, so this is not really an option, nor do we want a third kid anyway (I am tired…though I would like a puppy.)
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If we were going to adopt again (we are NOT), we would adopt from China or Taiwan.  We would probably adopt through the special needs program, with a strong preference for a kid with a limb difference.  (This is because I have a good friend whose son is missing a hand and I have seen what a non-issue it can be. My sister was also born with polysyndactyly of the toes so that doesn’t scare me either.)
Has Mr. A’s family pushed for a boy to carry on the family name? We have three girls and are getting some family pressure to go again for a boy (like that can be guaranteed!!).
Short answer: Yes.
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Slightly longer answer:  Mr. A is the only son, so they would like a boy. Mr. A’s dad seems to favor his sister’s son too, but it isn’t that big a deal.  Once we adopted L, Mr. A’s dad said “Now that she is adopted, you can have a real baby too.  A boy.”  But you know what? Mr. A’s parents are crazy (really crazy) and they don’t have that much influence over us.  It isn’t that big a deal and on the rare occasions when it comes up, we ignore them.   Knowing it is a cultural thing makes it a little easier.  MIL’s brother (Mr. A’s uncle) brought little rice-flour penises as offerings when we visited his ancestor’s graves, so Mr. A’s parents are really not as over the top as they could be.
November 30th, 2011 | Category: Adoption, All About Me, Extended Family | 3 comments
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