I have had a couple adoptive parents make weird comments when we told them we searched for L’s family in China. The one that always leaves me scratching my head is “Oh, I wouldn’t do that. I think it would be confusing for the kid.”
I don’t get that one. What is confusing about it? Is it more confusing to A)have two sets of parents and to know them both or to B)have one set you live with and one who may exist out there somewhere but you don’t know who or where they are or what they look like?
We talk to L about her family in China when it comes up. It does come up frequently, but not in an angsty way (because L is just not in a place yet developmentally where she is processing it as a loss most of the time). For us, you know, it is just Life.
Last week, L was interviewed for a research study about internationally adopted kids who have contact with their birth families. She was asked if she talked to her birth family and could ask them questions if she wanted. She said she talks to them and it was pretty clear she didn’t think this was a big deal. She was all like “Yeah, I talk to them. Of course I do.”
The researcher asked her what kinds of things they talk about. L said “I told them about the birthday party,” because the week before in a phone call, for the first time, L actually sat still for a few minutes to talk to her family through the translator. I think she also told them about her recent snow skiing lessons. She just told them about her life. It was nice. (The researcher also asked her if she remembered the first photo she saw of them. She said yes. Then they asked L where she got the picture. L said “From the printer,” which was entirely true. )
The picture below is of L in her new Chinese class. (Yes, the teacher is a white guy. He is great, but that is a post for another day.) The teacher asked the class to draw a picture of their families. Some kids drew their mom, dad, siblings, pets, and step-parents.
L drew eight people. The teacher looked at me, a little confused by the number, but I just told him to ask L who they were. She identified two mamas, two babas, two jiejies, one didi and herself.
L isn’t confused. It is *other people* who are confused.
L knows who her family is. She knows where she came from. She knows who she looks like. She knows who she lives with.
We talk about “Family” being as big or as little as you want it to be. Sometimes we talk about our “lives in our house” family. Other times we talk about “family”and mean all our cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Our mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, obviously they are family too.
Family is the people who love us and the people we love.
L knows exactly who she considers family. She isn’t confused at all.
