I agreed to let two of my “I hate my skin” posts (One, two and three) get posted over at Love Isn’t Enough (formerly Anti-Racist Parent*).  I made the mistake of going over there to read the comments this morning (Here and Here).  That is when I discovered the internet still has the power to make me crazy.

Oy, the judgement!  The implication that these strangers know more about my daughter than my husband and I do just because I told them her race and age!  Or they know something about me and my parenting just because I happen to be white and L isn’t white/is adopted.  Assuming I am so dumb I didn’t bother to ASK my daughter what happened.

Christ on a cracker.

The process of understanding race for L is a gradual process.  I can see her awareness unfolding.  I am expecting a huge jump in awareness when we go to Asia and her family suddenly stands out as extremely conspicuous (something she has never noticed here –not that we aren’t occasionally conspicuous but she hasn’t NOTICED.)

When M was barely four, she had a pretty good understanding of skin color and race (though she did sometimes struggle with ethnicity).  L doesn’t have that same level of awareness, so the conversations we have with her are different than the conversations we had with M at the same age, but we have conversations.

And if L doesn’t get it yet, is that really a reflection on me and my parenting?  I know those commenters don’t know me or understand the dynamics of our family.  If you ask me, L’s later understanding is probably the result of these things:

1) Chinese/Asian stuff is pretty much integrated into the fabric of our daily  family life. We struggled more with how to do that when M was small, but now it is a pretty fluid, comfortable thing for us/me.  L has always known our family as a Chinese/American family. Chinese lessons, Chinese New Year, Asian family members, etc. are all part of her every day life and none of it seems extraordinary to her (yet).

2)  In her main outside-the-family exposure to the world,  L’s class at school is pretty diverse.  She has noticed dark (or as she says “blacker”) skin tones, including her own.  But she still doesn’t get it that her skin is darker than mine because she is Chinese.  In the winter, her skin isn’t really very much darker than mine, so it is understandable that it isn’t super obvious to her.  She has never noticed her eyes as being  ”different” either.  They aren’t different than the majority of the people in our house, so again, I think that is understandable.

3) (this is the biggest factor, if you ask me) Developmentally, she just isn’t there yet.  Some kids get it at age 4.5, some kids don’t.  If she isn’t ready to get it, I can talk about race until I am blue in the face and she will still figure it out on the timeline that is right for her.  Either because of her earlier institutionalization or because it just is how she is, L has always hit social milestones a little later than average.  She hits them, just a little later than some kids.  Rushing her won’t do any good because her brain’s timeline is what it is.

But see, this is the crazy. I am spending all this time defending her lack of getting it because of some judgmental internet people.  People who know nothing about me or my commitment to being an anti-racist parent.

I should be spending this morning getting ready for our two month long trip to China and Taiwan.  Incidentally, a trip we are taking so our kids will have a better understanding of their Chinese heritage.

Those people don’t know me.

They don’t know the amount of time and effort I have put into working on my own understanding of race and adoption.

They don’t know that this is my labor of love for my children.   I could ignore all this stuff and pretend it doesn’t exist, but that would only hurt my kids.

Judgment like those comments is one reason why white people don’t talk about race.  We white people will make mistakes (though I don’t believe this is one of thosetimes for me!), we will stumble and look stupid, we will feel embarrassed.  We just have to keep working on it anyway.

I don’t care if those people think I am stupid or a bad parent or even that I am blind to my daughter’s needs.  They don’t know me.  They don’t know her.

I know her better than anyone else in the world, but it is possible I could be wrong about what might have been going on in her little noggin.  It was for L, that I entered that uncomfortable conversation at school (which made the principal think I was a total ass, I am sure) JUST IN CASE my instincts were incorrect.

THAT is what makes me a good parent to this child.  I let myself look like an asshole to make sure her needs are getting met.

THAT is anti-racist parenting.

*Back in the day, I used to be an occasional contributor there until we adopted L and I was so overwhelmed by helping her recover from her trauma and attachment issues that I couldn’t think about anything beyond getting through the day, nevermind writing something coherent for people who didn’t know me.

Lovely Heather at Production Not Reproduction organized an Open Adopting Blog Interview Swap.  While I don’t necessarily consider myself an open adoption blogger (because we don’t have an open adoption), I am very open to openness so I signed up.

I am so grateful that I did.  I was paired with Adoption of Jane who has four beautiful children and still manages to find time to blog.  She was born in Uganda and adopted by her white American parents while they were serving in the Peace Corps there.  Throughout her childhood, Jane always had contact with her Ugandan family.  She has a sister who also recently located her birth family too.  When I read Jane’s 5 Tips for Raising a Child of Another Race, I knew she was someone I wanted to get to know better.  I also love the fact that she is an adult international adoptee who had a successful open adoption.  I can only hope that our family can follow Jane’s family’s’ footsteps.

Here are the questions I asked Jane.  She posted the interview questions she sent to me too (Here they are).  The list of other interview couples is right here.

Many thanks to Jane for taking the time to answer my questions!  I hope you will enjoy her answers as much as I did.

1) I read on your blog that you have contact with your birth family in Uganda.  Can you describe that contact and how it influenced your feelings as a child?  Also, would you mind sharing  a little about the transition from having contact managed by your adoptive parents to managing it yourself?

As a child I was raised knowing about my bio-family through pictures and Airmail letters. To this day anytime I see an Airmail envelope it brings back flashbacks of Mum and me going through pictures of home. I don’t feel it greatly influenced my feelings as a child. It was more of a normal part of my childhood. Such as Birthday Cards from Aunties, Invitations to events, and any other mail contact a child usually has.

As a young child, and even today the word Transition or actually Transitioning doesn’t really pertain to my family. We’ve always included the next step into the path we are already on. I think this stems from the era our family merged (the 70′s), and the absolutely awesome parents I was blessed with. I even cringe when I have to use terms Bio/Adoptive to distinguish, when in reality both are the same to me, just different circumstances. In answer to the question, in my eyes they have never managed anything we as a family (my adoptive sis too)  were included in everything. A letter would come from home, my sis and i would open it.. grab the pictures and my parents would read it while we went through the pictures. Sometimes the letter would describe the problems back home with the government, etc. my folks would read it out loud and then describe to us what it meant. As I got older, I’d write home myself and share the letters and pictures with my family as they still did with me. My family in Uganda still maintained contact with my family here regardless of my age. When my sisters and brothers were older they’d write everyone as well. When I first met my little sister at LAX (Los Angeles Airport) and my cousin, my daughter drove, we immediately went to my parents house to spend the night so they could met them. The next day we had a family party with my extended US family as a meet greet and welcome to our family. My Sister and Cousin now contact and maintain relationships with their new extended relatives!

2) Can you share some of the positives and negatives of birth family contact / openness that you have experienced as an adoptee?

Thanks to the Wonderful job my parents did I haven’t experienced negatives. Well, during my little sister’s visit she made me stop photographing her after a few hundred pics, and so I was mad at her for like 5 minutes… does that count?

The positive is I have a huge family and they are ALL so unique and warm-hearted, what more can a girl ask for?

3) Your sister Becky also recently located her birth family. Now that you both have birth family contact, do you feel it has changed your relationship with each other or your adoptive family?  If so, how?

It may sound confusing but Becky nor I located our own Birth Family. We both together expanded our existing family and consider my Siblings and family back home hers as well. I also consider her newfound family and her newfound Mum mine as well. So in actuality I have 3 mums. I just emailed Cathy (Becky’s Bio Mum) last week, and Becky is in touch on her own with *our* my Ugandan Siblings.

It has not changed anything in my adopted parents and my relationship. My siblings are considered their kids too.

I don’t think merging families has changed our relationship. I think age has. Our age gap and competiveness created a crazy sibling rivalry when we younger. Ecspecially in the 80′s during her Tween and my Teen years. I am absolutely positive it was 50% sibling rivalry and 50% puberty. It was not due to our adoptiveness or race (she’s Jewish, Panamanian, and Jamaican). The reason I am so sure is because our fighting never brought up Adoption, Yo Mamma, your an orphan issues. Even in the worst of fights… and they got bad in our teen years. We always fought as Siblings not Enemies. At some point we grew up.

4) In your Tips for Raising  A Child of Another Race post, you suggest that adoptive parents make an effort to take their child to visit his/her country.  Did you get to visit Uganda as you were growing up?  How do you think those visits (or lack of visits) impacted your understanding of your birth culture and/or your relationship with your birth family?

It was due to politics and the fear for my safety. Idi Amin was ruling during my childhood. I do think however during my teenager years would have been a good time to go. As wonderful as my parents are they are not perfect. This is the one area I think they dropped the ball on. I had gotten a little out-of-control and the timing would have been life changing. My emo-teen stage was due to my era as a teen (80”s) as well. I do not blame my different stages in life on Adoption. That is a cop out. Ecspecialy when my non-adoptive friends were going through the same things. I was glad I wasn’t treated like glass.. an adopted kid who we don’t want to hold responsible for their actions because they are adopted.

The lack of visits did not effect me Culturally or Relationship wise with my family in Uganda. I think my siblings like teaching me phrases, and things from home. One night my lil sis and I stayed up all night talking about customs and what to do and not to do when I visit. With her being the youngest out of the 10 of us I think she quite enjoyed teaching this old dog some new tricks. Besides I made her laugh. Ecspecially when I said when we go to the village she is walking with me at night to the outhouse and holding my hand until I finish, regardless of what gets dropped!

5)  There is some controversy over the idea of adoptive parents searching for their child’s birth family while the child is still too young to make the decision to search.  Some people think it should be up to the adoptee to make the choice to search, while others believe it is in the child’s best interest to grow up with as much information as possible (including birth parent contact).  I know there are a lot of variables that need to be considered for each individual family/adopted, but given your personal experiences, what do you think?

I think its pertinent to begin the search as soon as possible. I also think for people whom are in the process of adopting to acquire as much info as possible so that they are in a better position when they do search. I think the child should grow up with as much information as possible. I knew all about Idi Amin and his torture of our people at a very early age. My parents described it to me in a way that I would understand. Also, if you are having problems acquiring information, begin telling the child of the issues in their country. So that if a location isn’t found for their parents, they have other scenarios as to the possible reason. I think the best time to start informing them about serious issues regarding their country is when they start doing and understanding History projects at school. It opens the door for conversation.

I am very against not informing your child they are adopted. Very against it. I think the best thing you can do as parents is figure out age appropriate information. Search for kids books to talk about adoption. I had kids books coming out of my ears about color, race, adoption, sibling adoption, etc. I use to love these books.. i’d carry them around and read them every night. Post a map of their country in your home. These are subliminal messages you can start immediately.

Parents are blessed now with the Internet. My parents had to wing it.  I grew up reading the LA Times with my dad. He is a big newspaper reader. My main relationship with him has revolved around reading. If you want to talk to pops during breakfast, grab a paper and start discussing. He is a very Educated and Informative man and to this day I call him and discuss World Events. My best childhood memory is was going Saturdays to used bookstores. Our favorite was Acres of Books. I cried as an Adult for days when Acres of Books closed.