I was going to write an interesting blog post, but instead I spent my entire evening getting stuff together for M’s “star of the week” project.
And when I say “M’s project” apparently what I really mean is MY project.
But lest we decide to do a crappy job on this very important project, there is the guilt factor to consider. As the handout says:
“Self-esteem is a crucial building block; the foundation of one’s self-image. Make this a memorable opportunity for your child to shine!”
Translation:
If you do a bad job, your kid will be embarrassed. If you make a crappy poster, you will have no one to blame but yourself when your child is a self-hating teenage rebel with no friends.
And so I am spending all night printing out pictures that will help create a poster that will give M “a chance to feel terrific”!!!
After I said Chinese New Year wasn’t likely to help L like her skin any better, I got nothing but a blank stare from the principal.
“I don’t want you to think I am making a bigger deal out of this than I am,” I said. ”I understand that recognizing differences is developmentally appropriate in preschool. We are comfortable talking to L about race and other differences. I just wanted to find out of there was an incident, because if something like that happened, I would want to address it differently with L than if this is just her letting us know that she is noticing thing on her own.” ( I had asked L if there was an incident several times, but she always said no. I just wanted to check in with the teachers to be sure.)
The assistant teacher said “I don’t think any kids in this class even notice differences!”
I knew that was a bunch of hooey. The class is about 40-50% not white. When I was there for the halloween party, one little African American girl couldn’t figure out which kid I was attached to. When I told her I was L’s mom, she looked at me, looked at L and looked back at me. ”I don’t THINK so.” she said shaking her head with one eyebrow raised doubtfully.
Kids this age notice race. There is no reason to pretend that isn’t true. L talks about kids in her class who have certain disabilities, darker skin, etc. That doesn’t bother me at all because she wasn’t viewing these things as good or bad. She just never put it in context of herself before and the negativity is what gave me pause.
“It is just so sad that L doesn’t like the way she looks!” the assistant teacher said, “I don’t know why she would think that! We ALWAYS tell L how cute she is…and in her case it is really TRUE!”
And again, things in my brain kind of skipped a beat. True, I think L is a cute enough kid. What about the uncute kids? Are they just telling them they are cute but they don’t really mean it? I almost started laughing out loud.
It was clear we were not on the same page, so I decided to just let it go (with the teachers) for now. I am not convinced that anything they try to do about it won’t cause more problems than it will help and we will be leaving for our trip soon. By the time we get back, L will likely have a very different understanding of being Chinese and we can see where things are then. I thanked them for their time and got us the heck out of there.
I was glad we had the meeting because I have a better idea of what might have happened to lead to L saying she wants white skin like XYZ. I am guessing that they were talking about different and the same and the issue of skin color was probably brought up. I am guessing the three kids in question (who happen to be white boys) were playing together and L wanted to play. They probably said no.
L is not the most socially adept kid and sometimes she doesn’t catch all the angles in group play situations. Because they were talking about skin color in class, it is possible that L decided that they said she couldn’t play because she doesn’t have white skin. She never said anyone said that directly to her, so I think maybe she made that conclusion on her own. She could just have easily decided they wouldn’t play with her because she was a girl, but I think the class conversation had her thinking about her skin for the first time.
Since the first few weeks when this happened, we have talked more about differences with L. We aren’t making a big deal out of it, but she has let us know she is understanding more. She has also moved on from saying she hates things so often. Now she is more focused on telling me she won’t be my friend or M’s friend when she is looking for attention.
So thats it. The first time we have to deal with this stuff at school. Ugh.
(This story is kind of long and complicated, so I am breaking it into several different posts.)
I have had a small situation with L in the last few weeks. To make a long story short, she has been saying “I *hate* my skin.” and I *hate* my black hair.” She even said “I hate my whole self.”
It is hard to write this because it sounds really heartbreaking. But in reality, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.
Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t things I want her to say or think or feel. But she is also *hating* lots of things lately. She hates dinner. She hates her bangs (this one worries me because I am afraid she is going to chop them off). She hates a certain show. Lately she has been hating things, I think to see if she can get a reaction from us.
The first time she said she hates her skin, I am sure I did a double take, even though she was very nonchalant when she said it. (Actually, I almost swerved the car off the road.) I tried to stay calm and asked her a few follow up questions like “What kind of skin/ hair do you want?” Her reply was “I want WHITE skin like Brian.” (He is white kid at school. She also mentioned two other white kids when asked.) She also said “I want blonde curly hair like Brianna.”
In a some ways, L is a perceptive kid. I think she noticed that those self-hating comments got my attention and so she has repeated them. (She says the bangs thing ALL THE TIME, probably because I can’t help but respond so strongly. I don’t want her to chop them off before we go to China.)
Because L was only mentioning kids at school (not any other white kids or adults she knows, including me), I decided I should contact the school to see if there had been an incident that could have triggered this sudden negative self-talk.
So I wrote a brief email to the school explaining what was going on and asking if the teachers had any ideas about what might have brought it on…
(more tomorrow)
You may or may not remember last year when I had L’s first IEP meeting, but it was a disaster. Actually, L’s whole school year last year was kind of a waste of time and a hassle. I think by the end of the year, her teacher had suggested at least 8 different diagnoses (ADD, ADHD, Motor apraxia, Diabetes (!?!?!), Dyslexia, etc.) She waffled between suggesting L has very serious issues and denying there was anything remotely out of the ordinary with her.
We were thrilled when the principal suggested that L have a different teacher this year. The new teacher works with a new occupational therapist too. After only 2 weeks in school, the OT pulled me aside and asked to revise L’s IEP. L’s primary reason for receiving an IEP was “differences in sensory processing”, yet her original IEP did not address sensory issues at all. (Thus my crying at the meeting and L receiving private-pay vision therapy and OT over the summer).
One of the key issues L had at school was her complete failure in all aspects of circle time. After only two weeks, the new OT realized that L has a problem focusing in circle time because she is sensory seeking and has vestibular issues. It takes a massive amount of effort for her to keep her body still and in her spot. The new plan calls for “heavy work” right before circle time, a wiggle chair and a weighted object or blanket to help her body stay grounded. I am so relieved to have a team working with us instead of against us, I could cry.
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Today we also had a bit of a school issue with M. At school, they were told to write a story about apples. Most kids wrote 2 pages, M wrote 10 loooong pages. They were supposed to make a “sloppy copy” and then recopy it in their best writing.
Even though she knew she would have to recopy it, when it came time to do the work, M had a breakdown. She became obsessed with doing it perfectly. She erased just about every third letter she wrote. It took 45 minutes for her to rewrite half a page, complete with moaning, complaining and eventually sobbing.
I was not pressuring her at all. I was trying to help her get one page done so she could take a break and learn to pace herself, but she was all worked up into a tizzy despite my attempts to downplay getting the whole thing done. I also tried to convince her it didn’t have to be perfect, just a nice effort. She refused to listen to me.
After 40 minutes of drama, I called M’s teacher and explained the situation. Kind woman that she is, she explained that M chose to write such a long story on her own. She also talked to M and told her she could either edit the story to make it shorter or take a few extra days to get it done. Only then did M calm down.
I am not sure if it is a good for M to learn that sometimes it is better not to show off going so far above and beyond the minimum requirements of the assignment. I have never been a perfectionist, so I can’t relate to M’s angst. I think she inherits the perfectionist gene from my mom, Ms. “I have never satisficed in my entire life”.
Going back to my post about L and school…
The thing about L is that one day she seems like a total mess and other days she is completely fine.
The very same week I had a melt-down about her complete failure at circle time at her IEP meeting, I went to her end of the year party. At the party, despite the chaos and noise, L was amazingly perfect. Other times I have visited her in the classroom, she appeared completely shut-down (mouth sagging, unengaged, worried-looking). At the party, she was lively. She played the games happily. She **sang the songs and did the hand motions** in circle time. She was totally herself.
It is entirely possible she acted that way to make me look like a total asshole. Heh.
Mr. A and I are not exactly sure what we should do. We had been leaning toward requesting a different teacher for next year, but after seeing L so comfortable with her classmates & teachers, I am reluctant to uproot her. L is very slow to warm up to new adults (and kids too), so it might be better for her to start the year in a familiar environment? We have also decided to let the IEP from the meeting stand for now because it does address some areas where we have concerns. Once school begins in the fall, I will go in and observe her every 2 weeks or so to see how she is doing. If she looks shut-down, I will call another IEP meeting.
In one stroke of good news: L graduated from Vision Therapy last week! She had worked really hard in therapy and I am so pleased with the progress she has made. Her tracking (visual pursuit) issue is resolved and she tested at an age appropriate level for visual-motor skills where she was previously over a year delayed. She is still catching up on some areas that were behind due to her previous vision problems (visual memory, visual attention, spatial skills). These skills are falling into place rapidly now that she has a solid foundation to work from. L will have a follow up appointment in 3 months, but the doctor seems to believe she is totally done with vision therapy. That was $2,000 well-spent.
Because we are obviously not spending enough of our income on Occupational Therapy and Vision Therapy, there is one other area we are going to explore to see if it will help L: Play Therapy. I have a nagging concern that L still suffers from some residual effects of early trauma (either from when she was placed with us or possibly from something that happened in the orphanage). I don’t know if trauma is why L shuts down when she is stressed or not, but we are going to get an expert to poke around in her head to see. The therapist hasn’t met L yet, so he can’t say whether or not she will benefit from therapy, but once school is out we will give it a try. Ironically, we are going to see the shrink we saw during our homestudy debacle. I feel comfortable with him and I am confident he will be able to tell us if we need to worry or not.
This is a rather abbreviated post because I am running out the door to M’s Super!! Fun!! Day!! at school, but I didn’t want to leave that IEP post hanging like that. We are still working through our options. Most of the time, L is happy and healthy. I just want to do everything I can to make sure she is getting all the help she needs.
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