We had our first run-in with nascent mean-girl behavior this week. When I asked M about who she has been playing with at recess, she reported the following:
“I used to play with Farah, but now I am only playing with Laura. Farah and her big brother Chuck were mean to Laura’s older sister. Laura’s mom told her if Laura OR any of Laura’s friends play with Farah, Laura will be grounded. I don’t want to get Laura in trouble, so I am not playing with Farah any more.”
I spent a while trying to convince M that Laura would not get grounded if she (M) played with Laura, but she wouldn’t believe me. She was really worried about getting her friend in trouble. I was concerned because Farah was (as far as I know) one of M’s best friends in her class at school. Also, this is so clearly a lie concocted by some kid because it doesn’t make any sense at all.
After a quick consultation with another mom of older kids, I decided to call Laura’s mom (who I have met briefly in the past, but who I do not know well at all). I was pretty nervous because you never know how someone might react to getting a phone call about their kids.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: “Hi! This is M’s mom. I am calling to see if you can help me put M’s mind at ease. …blah blah explained what M said blah blah…She is really worried that Laura will get grounded if M plays with Farah, so I told her I would call you and make sure Laura wouldn’t get grounded if M played with Farah.
Laura’s Mom: “Wait a minute, I don’t even know Farah or her brother?? So M said that Laura said she would get groudned if *M* played with them?”
Me: ” Yup! I tried to tell her she was being silly, but she wants to be a good friend to Laura and doesn’t want to get her in trouble, so I told her I would call you to make sure it would be ok.”
Laura’s Mom “Hmm. Well, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CALLING. Not every parent would call, but this is exactly the kind of thing we want to know! If our kids are being unkind to other kids or excluding , I want to know so I can nip that in the bud! I will talk to Laura tomorrow and make sure she clears things up with M.”
That was when I wanted to reach through the phone and kiss Laura’s mom. I only hope I will be so gracious when someone tells me something unflattering about my kids.
The next day at school, Laura went up to M and said “Sorry about Chuck’s sister.” As far as M was concerned thing were completely resolved.
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In other news, I filled out the census forms for our family this week. It was interesting.
For Mr. A, we selected Other Asian because we had seen this Write in Taiwanese video. I am guessing it is an attempt to separate Taiwan and China politically? I don’t know, but we saw the video, so Mr. A said to write in Taiwanese. I did.
(I also wondered why Taiwanese wouldn’t be considered Pacific Islander, since they are from an island in the Pacific. Mr. A was not amused by that line of thinking and refused to consider Pacific Islander as an option too.)
For me, obviously, I checked whatever the whitebread option was. I don’t remember if it was Caucasian or European.
I asked Mr. A what he thought we should do for M. Other Asian write in Taiwanese or Other and write in Mixed Race and Taiwanese/ European. Mr. A wanted her to be only Other Asian Taiwanese. Apparently, Mr. A is a subscriber of the One Drop Rule. I didn’t have a strong feeling either way, so I wrote in Other Asian Taiwanese for her. I was surprised there wasn’t a mixed race box with the option of checking off specific races.
Then came L. Mr. A tried to convince me that she should also be Other Asian Taiwanese, but I vetoed him. I just checked Asian and Chinese. Mr. A wanted to call her Taiwanese because he is Taiwanese, but that didn’t make any sense at all. With that logic, I could just call her European, which would be ridiculous.
It doesn’t seem like the results are going to be that accurate if there isn’t a standardized way of filling out the answers for mixed race families.
P.S. Well crap. I just googled it and it looks like I could have selected ONE OR MORE categories for race. I wonder if we already put the envelope in the mail?
Thanks for all the comments on that last post. I have been shaking my head about that situation all weekend. In the interest of fairness to the kids and the other parents in the class, a few clarifications:
- The kids are mostly rowdy during the “down time” portions of class, not during the instruction portion. The handstands were going on before class technically started, as were the horse-back riding things. During instruction, they are usually attentive, but sometimes they get a little too excited because they are having fun. (Which is preferable to not having fun!)
- M has not been the model of good behavior either. Her primary fault is getting too involved in pre-class Nintendo DS games and discussions with some of the bigger kids and not paying attention when the teachers say it is time for class. She is now on a very restricted DS-play guidelines (i.e. must turn it off within 10 seconds of when I tell her to or she loses it the next day/class)*.
- I should have been clearer that the majority of the time the kids are not actually BAD. They are just testing limits and being silly now that they are more comfortable with the class, the teachers and each other. Unfortunately, when they test the limits, there aren’t really any repercussions if their parents don’t keep them in line so they tend to get carried away. The good news is there aren’t really any bad seeds in the class. Just standard rowdiness and silliness, most of the time. I think I made it sound worse than it actually is.
As Tongu Momma said, I also strongly believe in demonstrating the importance of respecting ALL adults or authority figures, even if I/my kids disagree with them. How can the teachers teach effectively if the parents feel free to meddle in every decision? How will the kids learn that they are not the boss of the world if we constantly undermine other authority figures? They may as well learn now that there will always be people telling them to do things they don’t necessarily want to do or like. Tough Shit. Part of being a successful member of society is figuring out what the rules and expectations are in a given situation and learning to work within them. They also need to take responsibility when they screw up.
Take, for example, the day the kids almost made the teacher cry. Even though M was not the kid who caused the problem, after class I made her apologize to the teacher. I made her apologize for being too excited and getting carried away AND I made her apologize for not helping her classmates remember to follow the rules. On the way home, we had a good conversation about mob mentality and social responsibility (in 1st grader language, of course.) In the long run, I hope conversations like that will help my kids learn to step back from the group and remember their values.
I certainly don’t want them to learn that if they turn on a few tears, I will call the teacher and demand they change the rules to protect their pwecious self esteem. It is about teaching our kids tolerance. Not only tolerance for different cultural values, but tolerance for discomfort and things they don’t like. I don’t mind saying that learning that kind of tolerance is part of my bigger plan to get the kids to one day move out of my house. They need to tolerate a JOB one day so they can support themselves.
The issue of tolerance is also especially important when we are talking about my kids and cultural issues. I have already started talking to M about being ready for stares and embarrassing questions on our trip to China. The trip is over a year away and we are already role-playing how she will respond to those situations. The world isn’t going to bend to our idea of good manners, nor can we expect them to not gawk at our unusual (to them) family.
We are citizens of the world and we have to meet the world on their’ terms, not ours. Learning to be respectful, even when you don’t like it is especially important if you are a smart privileged kid or if you are a kid who is different in some way. Both my girls will be in both of those categories whether they like it or not, so they need to learn to suck it up.
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*In an ideal world, I wouldn’t let her have her DS at all, but she originally got a DS because many of the big girls in the class had one. She was 2-3 years younger than some of the bigger girls and wasn’t relating well to their big-girl social stratification (she didn’t get it), so bringing her DS gave her some instant social capital in the class. She is much happier to go to class now and the big girls talk and play with her, so we continue to work on a compromise on that issue. (I know I am opening the door to criticism of my parenting here, but it is ok because I feel good about how the choices have turned out. It is a totally different issue than the other ones, but one I have been thinking about.)
Last week, Mr. A gave a Chinese New Year presentation to M’s 1st grade class. I had mixed feelings about it initially, but after M came home from another parent’s Hanukkah presentation saying “Mama! We learned about Hanukkah today! We at latkes! It was sooooo cool. I wish I was Jewish!!”, I changed my mind. I decided first graders are probably pretty positive about new things if it is presented in a fun (and delicious) way.
So Mr. A went to school and did a presentation (I was there as a crowd control helper). As the teacher introduced us, she said “This is Mr. A and Ms. AmFam. They are Chinese New Year EXPERTS!”
At that point, M piped up: “My MOM isn’t an expert in Chinese New Year because her ancestors are from EUROPE!”
Mr. A read a couple books, made the kids kowtow for a chocolate coin filled red envelope, used a puppet to demonstrate a lion dance and taught them to use chopsticks to eat a big marshmallow. We also gave them a cup of Mr. A’s famous noodles (aka long life noodles) and a M’s beloved Taiwanese shortbread cake. For the most part, the kids were great. A few of them balked at eating unusual things, but the majority tried and liked the snacks.
My favorite comment of the class was made in response to one boy’s grimace and statement that he was NOT going to try that cake and it looked gross. Another little boy said “Evan, you should try it! I thought it would be DISGUSTING, but when I tasted it, it was DELICIOUS!”
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Yesterday, we went to China Day, which is a big festival of Chinese culture put on by a variety of Chinese organizations in our state. In previous years, M performed her Chinese dance at that event, but since we are Chinese School drop outs, we could all relax this year. After a thousand hours of incredibly boring speeches, proclamations, banner presentations, the girls enjoyed a lion dance and dance performances.
There were a lot of different cultural activities on the schedule. My personal favorite was “How to guide your kids to study math.” I pointed it out to Mr. A because I thought it was funny. He failed to see the humor and was disappointed we weren’t going to be able to attend that session due to a scheduling conflict.
When we went to get a snack. Mr. A saw the college students who performed the lion dance and went to talk to them. He was hoping they might want to perform at a big fancypants Asian Lawyer function later this year. It turns out the lion dancer guys were members of a new Asian fraternity. Mr. A asked several of them who he should contact to book them and they all just mumbled and shrugged. Finally someone told him to ask Everett.
When he tracked Everett down, Mr. A introduced himself. Everett did a typical frat-boy head nod to say hello. Mr. A went on to explain about the fancypants Asian lawyer event, which caught Everett’s attention.
“Asian Lawyers? Here in our city?” he said.
Mr. A said yes.
“You a lawyer?” Everett asked.
When Mr. A said yes, Everett immediately dropped his eye contact (which according to Mr. A is a sign of respect in Asian cultures).
Then Everett smacked his hand on his chest (kind of gang-symbol like), nodded his head again and said “Respect, yo.”
Mr. A thought that interaction was seriously hilarious and repeatedly said “Respect, yo!” to me all evening.
This weekend was the first weekend of Chinese school. It is hard to believe that this is going to be our FOURTH year there. Every year, chinese school is crazy chaotic. This year was no exception.
Our Chinese school has two tracks for their classes: one for kids who speak Chinese at home and one for kids who don’t. We have always had M in the Chinese speaker classes (2 years preschool, 1 year kindergarten). The first year was crazy. The second year, she had a good teacher and seemed to learn things. Last year, she hated it, couldn’t understand what was going on and was bored out of her mind. This year, we placed her in the 2nd grade level for English speakers. Mr. A observed the 1st class. It seems like the material is below M’s level, but being the teacher’s pet that she is, she liked being able to raise her hand and answer questions.
I made a minor mistake by trying to sign L up for the 4 year old + class for English speakers. L is not even 3.5 yet, but she knew a lot of the words they were going to cover due to her Chinese tutoring sessions. I didn’t know that Chinese School holds kids in the same class until the master it, so this class had kids ranging from 4-8 years old. L couldn’t sit still or be quiet enough. I ended up taking her out 1/2 way through the class. I hope we can get our money back.
In addition to Chinese school, both L and M had private tutoring by a Chinese teacher who has actual training in teaching foreign languages. She is unbelievably excellent at teaching age-appropriately. Over the summer, we saw her 2 times a week (30 minutes for L and 50 minutes for M). Now that school is in session (for the girls and for the teacher), we are seeing her once a week. L might also join her cousin S in S’s weekly session for another 45 minutes each weekend, since Chinese school isn’t going to work this year. M also continues to have a 1 hour session each week with her other chinese tutor.
In case you couldn’t follow all that, in an average week it means we have some kind of Chinese on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, with some Saturdays in the mix too. It is a lot, but I can really see that both girls are making great progress.
I have just resigned myself to putting off other extra curricular activities (besides M’s soccer and swimming lessons in the winter) for a few more years. I feel a bit guilty about not adding violin, but I need to get a better handle on the schedule we have now before I throw another activity in there.
I was originally going to write this post about the social issues at Chinese school, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.
We are heading into our last week of summer break. I have to pat myself on the back and say that this summer was a good one. While I did complain a bit, I think both the girls and I have enjoyed it. No one died of boredom and my head didn’t explode from a lack of silence (though sometimes I thought we were close!).
Some random odds and ends that could each be their own post, but won’t be because I have been too busy:
- In August, M spent an entire week at my parents’ house. They requested that chunk of time all together and I was happy to comply because I suffering a bit of summer burnout. Their house is like grandkid heaven (pool, lake, boat, squirtguns, ice cream, no bedtime…you get the picture). M had a great time and didn’t seem to mind being away that long, though she did come home calling me “Nana.”
- I really enjoyed my long weekend away, even though I spent two of my four days driving through flipping West Virginia. WV always makes me a little carsick and doesn’t have any decent NPR reception, so that makes me a little cranky. Is it terrible to say I didn’t miss the girls at all? It was such a relief to have a few days where I didn’t have to think of anyone’s needs but my own. I loved hanging out with my good friend and enjoying her hospitality. When I came home, it looked like the girls had each grown at least an inch. I was also very happy to see them, even if they only seemed interested in what presents I brought for them. I was particularly pleased that L survived 4 days with my mom and Mr. A with no negative side effects. I have always been a little careful about her attachment and expected some reentry bumps, but so far, so good. That puts us one step closer to the dream of Mr. A and I having a whole long weekend alone in a hotel somewhere with no children.
- After a ton of stress, I finally found a preschool for L. It was only 2 days a week, but it had a good number of Asian kids, so I was happy. As soon as I adjusted to that plan, we got a call that L’s waitlist number for our school district’s Pre-K program came up. At that school, L would be a “typical peer role model” for kids with various kinds of physical or developmental disabilities. I have heard really great things about that school (though I didn’t get to visit while it was in session), it is 4 mornings a week (!!) and is really cheap. I am a little nervous because a friend whose son was in a similar program in another city had a not so good experience, but I am going to give it a try. Besides, L’s speech and her fine motor skills could use some extra work, both of which will be heavily stressed in that program. I am crossing my fingers.
- As mentioned above, L will likely be in school 4 mornings a week! Hallelujah! I can’t even imagine what I might do with all that spare time.
- M is going to have the same teacher for 1st grade as she had last year for kindergarten. We feel really lucky that her school worked with us so she will not have to go to a 2nd grade room for reading. Her teacher volunteered to do individualized instruction for her at the level she is currently testing AND they clustered two other advanced readers in that class. M will get to have a normal reading group with her classmates and she will also get to keep working ahead at her own pace. It is the best of both worlds. We *big puffy heart* her teacher who helped make this possible. The only bummer is that not one kid from her kindergarten class will be in her 1st grade class (not clear on why, something to do with the teacher not teaching the same kids 2 years in a row). M makes friends easily, so hopefully this won’t be a big deal.
Those are basically our big-ticket items right now. Life is good.
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