More questions

On with the questions.

Parodie asks:

Alrighty, here’s my non-adoption-related nosy question. I know you used to do sex-ed; I would love an update on how you’re finding it from the “parent” side of the table. Perhaps how you’re dealing with it, (and as I write this it occurs to me that adoption might figure obviously into this) but also the internal stuff : does it feel the way you expected it to? Any surprises? Etc.

I didn’t actually do sex ed myself. I was in fundraising, so I don’t have any specific training or anything.  I don’t claim to be any kind of an expert.

I deal with sex the exact same way I deal with pretty much everything.  I tell my kids the absolute truth when the ask questions.  I use correct terminology.  I provide them with resources other than myself that are age appropriate (though what I think is age appropriate and what you think is age appropriate might be completely different).

My absolute favorite resources are the Robie Harris books.  My girls have three of these books and they have free access to them whenever they want.  (When I was looking up the link for this post, I see she has a new one for 2.5-5 year olds too.)  M has been reading all of them since she was about 5.  When she has questions about something, she knows where she can go for answers if she doesn’t want to ask me.  L is mostly interested in pregnancy and the hilarious existence of penises and vulvas, rather than the mechanics of where babies come from.  She really likes to look at the picture of the baby crowning, for some reason.

I wondered if I might feel a little more reluctant to talk about sex with the girls as they got older, but honestly, it doesn’t make me cringe at all.  I have been known to make them wait to have the conversation in private at home rather than in the grocery store aisle when a question comes up, but they always get answers in a timely manner.  I have discussed sexually transmitted diseases, sexual attraction, homosexuality and bisexuality, birth control, sex, petting, masturbation (see below), the mechanics of gay sex and straight sex, artificial reproduction and the gory details of childbirth as a direct result of questions they asked me.

I worried about them spreading the word about sex on the playground, but it hasn’t come up as far as I know.  I also always make sure I frame any conversation we have in the terms of healthy choices and feeling good, because I don’t think sex is a moral issue.

 

 

Wendy asks:

Do you talk to your girls about masterbation? Weird question, I know, but it’s something I’ve had to talk to my daughter about and it’s one of those things the school moms don’t stand around and talk about. I just wonder if I’ve handled it well.
Yup, we talk about it. We have covered the following ground:
  • Yes, touching yourself on your vulva and other private parts feels good. That is because there are a lot of nerves there.
  • As you get older, your body makes hormones which makes your private parts more sensitive so touching them is more interesting than before.  That is normal.
  • If you want to touch yourself, you need to go somewhere private like the bedroom or the bathroom.
  • There is nothing wrong with mastubating, everyone does it,  but it is private.
  • I see what you are doing over there. Go do that in your bedroom.
  • Privacy means your bedroom door is closed.
  • If you are going to touch yourself, you need to wash your hands when you are done.
That is about it.  Did I leave anything out?
November 3rd, 2011 | Category: All About Me, Motherhood | 3 comments

Tremendous

We are slogging through all our end of the school year obligations.  This week, M has two concerts.  A 2nd grade concert and an elementary school chorus concert.

M called my mom to invite her to the concerts. My mom wisely decided to attend only one of the two.   She asked M “Which one should I go to?”

M replied, “I can’t really say, Nana. They will both be tremendous.”

It won’t be long before my sweet girl might lose that boundless enthusiasm and replace it with teenage surliness.  She already shrugs off my hugs when other kids are around.  I can see my baby melting away as she gets taller and lankier.

I am not someone who spends a lot of time feeling mushy about the passing of time, but tonight, watching my no-longer-so-little girl playing the glockenspiel, I could feel the years rushing past us.  This parenting, gig, it is something else.


May 25th, 2011 | Category: Marvelous Miss M, Motherhood | 5 comments

Tolerance isn’t enough. Teaching Kindness.

Job and travel plans are happening fast and furiously around here. I will get back to the questions, but I wanted to post about something that happened before I forgot.

The other day, one of M’s very best friends (who happens to be a boy who I will call Brad) told her “I have a crush on Josh”.

I wasn’t there, but Brad’s mom told me that M laughed and said “Get outta here!  You can’t have a crush on a BOY!”

When the story was repeated to me, it gave me pause.

M’s other best friend has two moms (LESBIAN moms, to be clear).   Just last week, I had a talk with M about the responsibility of voting and the importance of trying to change laws that go against our beliefs.  I used the two mom family as an example of families who face legal discrimination because they can’t marry.  We talked about equality and how there are many kinds of families (mom/mom, mom/dad, dad/dad, etc.) who should all have the same legal protections and rights.

M knows girls can like girls or boys can like boys.  It breaks my heart a little bit that she has somehow internalized the fact that it is somehow socially unacceptable to admit it in elementary school.  I know she isn’t learning that crap at our house.  She is picking it up at school or from her friends or maybe even from their parents.

So last night, I asked her about it.  She repeated the same story, but said she “forgot” what she said to Brad.

“I heard you said ‘Boys can’t have crushes on boys!’ Is that true?” I asked.

“Oh.  Well, it is UNUSUAL.” M said.

“It might not be very common, but you know that girls can like girls and boys can like boys.  That is just the way some people are born.  People like who they like.  A boy having a crush on a boy is just like some families that have two moms or two dads.”  I reminded her.

“Oh.” she said, “I never thought about it with kids.”

“You know, if you laugh when someone tells you something important about themselves, it could make them feel bad about who they are. If it happens enough times, a gay boy or a lesbian might start to not like that part of themselves.  They might want to hide it.  It hurts to have to hide the truth about yourself.” I said.

“You know how we talked about people who think it is wrong for boys to like boys or girls to like girls?  Sometimes, those people are really mean.  People can love whoever their heart tells them to love.  We need to make sure we never, ever make them feel bad about it.”

“I didn’t want Brad to feel bad!” M said.

“I know, kiddo.  But lots of other people would want a boy who likes boys to feel bad on purpose. They might tease him or pick on him.  You need to make sure you don’t do something like that, even if it is on accident.”  I said.

“Oh.” M said, looking very concerned.

“The next time a boy tells you he likes a boy, what could you say so he doesn’t feel bad about sharing his feelings?” I asked.

“I could just say ‘Oh, OK.’” M said, “I could just act like it was no big deal.”

“I think that would be a good response.  I also want you to remember that if you ever hear anyone getting teased for who they are, whether it is who they love or for any other reason, I want you to stick up for them.”

“Ok.” M said.

Then she asked me to turn up the radio.

November 4th, 2010 | Category: Marvelous Miss M, Motherhood | 15 comments
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