I have had a couple adoptive parents make weird comments when we told them we searched for L’s family in China.  The one that always leaves me scratching my head is “Oh, I wouldn’t do that. I think it would be confusing for the kid.”

I don’t get that one. What is confusing about it?  Is it more confusing to A)have two sets of parents and to know them both or to B)have one set you live with and one who may exist out there somewhere but you don’t know who or where they are or what they look like?

We talk to L about her family in China when it comes up. It does come up frequently, but not in an angsty way (because L is just not in a place yet developmentally where she is processing it as a loss most of the time).  For us, you know, it is just Life.

Last week, L was interviewed for a research study about internationally adopted kids who have contact with their birth families.  She was asked if she talked to her birth family and could ask them questions if she wanted.  She said she talks to them and it was pretty clear she didn’t think this was a big deal.  She was all like “Yeah, I talk to them. Of course I do.”

The researcher asked her what kinds of things they talk about.  L said “I told them about the birthday party,” because the week before in a phone call, for the first time, L actually sat still for a few minutes to talk to her family through the translator. I think she also told them about her recent snow skiing lessons.  She just told them about her life.  It was nice.  (The researcher also asked her if she remembered the first photo she saw of them. She said yes. Then they asked L where she got the picture. L said “From the printer,” which was entirely true. )

The picture below is of L in her new Chinese class.  (Yes, the teacher is a white guy. He is great, but that is a post for another day.)  The teacher asked the class to draw a picture of their families.  Some kids drew their mom, dad, siblings, pets, and step-parents.

L drew eight people.  The teacher looked at me, a little confused by the number, but I just told him to ask L who they were.  She identified two mamas, two babas, two jiejies, one didi and herself.

L isn’t confused.  It is *other people* who are confused.

L knows who her family is. She knows where she came from.  She knows who she looks like. She knows who she lives with.

We talk about “Family” being as big or as little as you want it to be.  Sometimes we talk about our “lives in our house” family.  Other times we talk about “family”and mean all our cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles.  Our mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, obviously they are  family too.

Family is the people who love us and the people we love.

L knows exactly who she considers family.  She isn’t confused at all.

I got a comment on this post that needs to be addressed.

Krickett made the following comment:

Well, as an adoptive mom that has written a “relatively small amount” for our contact to go searching for us and has put up posters in our finding area I can say without hesitation that your assumption that I simply want to be let off the hook by my daughter is wrong.  I would love to build a relationship with someone in the area and “have the stress of doing the work”. How do you propose I do that?   I would love to know who specifically to contact in the area to build a relationship with?  Especially since we could not visit the area when we were in China due to many circumstances.

I congratulate you on your success and have read your blog along with other resources for tips on how I may continue my search.  I wish there was more support from those that have been successful to us that are new on this search road rather than this criticism.

Wow, this comment left me nearly speechless.  I mean, where do we start?

First, you wish “those that have been successful” would support you?  What do you think I am doing here?  Do you think I am baring my soul about our search and the adjustment we are going through now for me?

Do you have any idea how many hours I have spent writing posts about how to search to help people who can’t be bothered to do any thinking or research on their own?   Do you think I compromise our privacy for fun?   No kidding, I have taken more than enough time away from my family helping complete and total strangers have resources for how to search in China here an in a variety of other places online and in person.

In fact, Krickett, you live near me.  I distinctly remember sending you an email and personally inviting you to coffee back in July to talk to you more about our experience searching.  You never bothered to email me back, so how exactly would you like me to be more supportive of you??

There are only a handful of us who have searched successfully and it is a brutal, gut wrenching process.  Sorry, I guess I have a little too much on my mind to handhold you as you go through the difficult check-writing process.  Even if we were all willing to spill our guts about our searches, odds are your situation is different and our successes will only offer hints as to which directions you should go.

And yes, I am being a sarcastic bitch there.  I know it was hard to get together and send off the check and documents to the searcher. I know it because I went through the process of deciding and re-deciding to search for several years.  Each time it is hard. Each time we didn’t have success I had to pull up my big girl panties and recommit to doing what was best for my daughter.  But you don’t get to sit back and blame other people for the hardness or for not helping you enough.  Searching is between you and your child.  Either you think it is important enough to do the work, or you don’t.  And if you don’t, DON’T SEARCH.

For the record, your comment (and maybe not your actual actions or intentions) is a perfect illustration of the half-hearted searches so many adoptive parents are doing.

You didn’t visit your child’s area and now you can’t find any local contacts?

I call bullshit on that.

There are 1.5 billion Chinese and at least half of them have internet access.  I guarantee you, no matter where you live in America, you are likely within 50 miles of SOMEONE Chinese who you could approach for help navigating the Chinese internet to find a local contact.  And Krickett, I know for a fact that you live in an area where there are thousands and thousands of Chinese students (likely from every Chinese province) you could approach for help.  And even if you aren’t, there are a gazillion Chinese on the internet who speak English who you can try to contact to help you.  Or for crying out loud, hire some Chinese college student to help you.  I put an ad on Craigslist several years ago asking for someone to do internet searching for me and I got several good offers of help.

Can I point you to the right person? No way.  That is why this is WORK.  In China, to get anyone to help you, you need a personal connection.  In most cases to search successfully, you are going to have to know someone who knows someone first.

I will tell you that honestly, I am very very worried about adoptive parents who use professional searchers, because there is a small chance they will succeed.  If you stumble upon the birth family right out of the gate, before you have had time to get your feet wet and get-on-the- ground experience with local people and a good feel for your translator, you may very well find yourself in WAY over your head.

So what is your plan, then? You send a searcher in to locate the birth family, then what?  Who will translate for you over the next 20 years?  Does your searcher offer this service long-term, because I have never heard of that being the case.  You need a relationship with the person who will translate for you to make sure they are really looking out for you and your child’s best interests.

Do you have a real personal connection with someone who you pay $300 to stick up some fliers?  Do you trust that person to understand your heart and what you want from birthfamily contact with your child?

Are we going to add an additional sob story about financial hardship?  Bullshit again.  I spent less than $1,000 for several YEARS of intensive searching (internet searching, translations, phone calls, DNA testing etc.)  and relationship building.   Hiring a searcher is much more expensive (and I daresay less likely to be successful) than doing the legwork yourself first.  And anything I had done I could just as easily exchanged child care or English conversation practice if I found the right person to help me.

You want to sit around and feel powerless because it is SOOOOO HARD.  Well, yeah it is.

You know what is a lot harder?  DEALING WITH THE BIRTH FAMILY.  You know what is going to be much more costly?  Keeping in touch with the birth family.   You know what is going to turn your life upside down?  FINDING THE BIRTH FAMILY.

Searching SHOULD be hard because it weeds out the people who are NOT committed to success.  (Didn’t I already write this post before?)  If you can’t handle talking to some random Chinese people, I promise you, you won’t be able to handle reunion.  It is so, so complicated and overwhelming.

You want to tell your kid how you searched soooooo hard for her birth family?

Well, my how to search posts are going to remain on the internet forever.  When she grows up, she can look at those lists (here and here and here) and ask you which steps you took.

I don’t answer to your kid, I answer to mine, but I know for a fact my daughter is too smart to buy the whole “I wanted to find them for you, but it was just so hard…” 

Do you think your kid won’t fill in the rest of that sentence with “…so you let 15 or 20 years pass and the trail has gone ice cold?!? Because that definitely made it so much easier to search now. Thanks Mom.”

I know this is harsh.  I am bruising some adoptive parents’ tender self images right now.  That is OK.

Someone has to be the voice of reality here.  SOMEONE has to tell you that searching is not and will never be rainbows and unicorns.   From the start (and likely for the rest of our lives), searching and successful reunion will be like slogging through a neck-deep emotional minefield— not only for us, but also for our children.

NO ONE is saying you should search.  In fact, I have come around to telling people DO NOT SEARCH. This is not a time to go with the peer-pressure (assuming one can have peer pressure from passively reading a blog about someone else’s completely unrelated experiences) induced flow if you are not emotionally ready and committed to success.

And I am sorry that you can’t find the support you wish you had.  Honestly, I am pretty wrung out over here.  There are days when I (a non crier) am crying in the grocery store because I am not able to do a better job managing our reunion, never mind helping other people.

Over time, there will be more and more of us with successful reunions.  We will have more experience on how to search and how to manage the after.  But right now, we are just babies at this.  I have spend the last two years trying to build a framework for how to share information about searching and for those who are searching and I can tell you it is a thankless job.  I (a person who has panic attacks doing public speaking) have even offered to do in person talks for FCC and other adoption groups. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, but I think it is important, so I offered.

And then to be told I am not doing enough for people who aren’t doing much at all for themselves?  Well, Fuck that….FUCK THAT.