backing up

You all may not have noticed, but I gave myself a nice little blog break there.  In part, this is because I feel guilty because I still haven’t answered all the questions I requested…way back in OCTOBER.

The questions I have left are complicated, so I haven’t been eager to answer them.  But if I am going to blog, it looks like I am going to have to suck it up and do it already (probably like I have  been a few at a time).

Stillplayswithbarbies asks several questions all at once, so I am breaking them up:

I would like to read more about Taiwan and family dynamics in Taiwanese families.  I have a daughter adopted from Taiwan, and while I am interested in everything you have to say, I am especially interested in anything about Taiwan.

Mr. A’s family is not a typical Taiwanese family.  I suspect that the dynamics of his family are much more informed by mental illness and the immigrant experience (which can make even non-crazy people dysfunctional).  It was interesting to see Mr. A’s relatives in Taiwan and find normal and sane. They had normal jobs/businesses and seemed much more like regular American families than like Mr. A’s family.  I suspect if they had stayed in Taiwan, Mr. A’s family would still have been dysfunctional but they would have been less dysfunctional because the kids would have had some extended family support they lacked in the US.  To sum it up, I can’t help you.  If you want to talk about the dynamics of a family riddled with mental illness, then I would be more helpful.

As for Taiwan itself, we decided it was the Midwest of Asia. Not so sexy, not so flashy, not cutting edge, but people there were industrious and nice.  It seemed like a pretty pleasant place to be, but everyone thought somewhere else might be more interesting.  This is how I always felt about Ohio, so I could relate.  I also found it less easy to get around without being able to read Chinese (less written english) but the spoken english of the average college graduate seemed very proficient.  We also thought it was much more Chinese than China. There seemed to be much less focus on luxury/flashiness, much more traditional Chinese culture, etc. Like China without the trauma of communism and 40 years of intense, government-imposed poverty and crazy.

This answer is not so helpful, I know.

 A specific question I have is about birthparent search in Taiwan. We have names and addresses. It is an open adoption in the sense that all identifying info on both sides is in all the court documents. Our daughter is three years old. When/how should we make contact?

If it were me, I would do it by letter. I would update her on your daughter’s development and lay out your reasons for wanting contact.  I would also outline how I would like that contact to look (letters? timeline? etc.).  Learn from my mistakes and go with less contact at the beginning. You can always add more, but it much harder to do less later.   I would also assume she has been told it is healthiest if she just forgets about the baby and moves on.  The letter may be intercepted by her parents or spouse or something, so I wouldn’t assume a lack of response meant she was choosing to not have contact.  I would also make a webpage with photos of your daughter (updated from time to time) so you can put a statcounter on it to see if anyone is looking.  That way, even if they don’t respond, you know if  someone is interested.

A more generic related question: L’s birthfamily is intact and mature. What are your thoughts on approaching other types of birthfamilies such as mature single mom, teenage mom living at home with her parents, divorced parents, etc.? How to gauge if they would be receptive to contact, or if waiting a few years is better? I am thinking that making contact too early may scare them off forever, perhaps? Would love to hear your thoughts.

I always try to think what I would want if I was the birth mother.  If my child were out in the world without me, I would want to know she is ok asap.  It seems almost cruel to me to withhold that information. I would also be afraid that they would move or something and you would lose the ability to contact them later.

What I am hearing in your post is that you are concerned about the wellbeing of the birthmom, which is great. And you also want the best possibility of successful contact.  I don’t think waiting will necessarily ensure that.  Every birth mom is going to be different so you won’t know until you reach out to her.  There is no patented best practices in international open adoption. You are just going to have to feel your way through it.  It is hard.  Also, I suspect reaching out is not going to get easier of you wait a longer time.

 

January 27th, 2012 | Category: Open International Adoption, Race and Culture | 13 comments

Linkypoo

I am not actually dead, nor have I fallen off the face of the earth.  I have just been very very busy.

In lieu of a post, today you get links that I found interesting.   This includes one that answers one of my long-neglected questions about finding searchers in Ethiopia (which I know nothing at all about).

  • The Art of Gift Giving in China  We recently received a gift from L’s birth family that was very similar to the gift we gave them when we met in China. I am guessing this is due to the reciprocity issue detailed in that article.
  • Open adoptions from Ethiopia.  There are also searchers there who will track down children’s information and/or families. More info on that here.  (And holy cow, that sounds like a lot of money!)
December 30th, 2011 | Category: Adoption, Race and Culture | 4 comments

wasted housewife talents and a hapa or unhapaness

Sorry it is taking me a billion years to get through all the questions you all sent me waaaaaay back when.  The good news is the ones I have answered so far have really helped me work through some of the open adoption related angst I was feeling. The bad news is, I am kind of burned out from all the over processing.  I will get to them, though. I just might have to answer a few a week interspersed with other stuff until I get done.A few more:Sky asks:As a stay at home mum, I sometimes feel like I am wasting my talents. Do you ever feel that or other mummy guilt?I don’t think I really have any work-related talents, unless you consider the ability to look busy while really surfing the internet to be a talent.  That was what I most excelled at in most of my previous jobs.

Oh, and I also have a serious talent for remembering the appearance, layout and sale history of every single house that has sold in my neighborhood in the past four years.  I love houses so much I have even considered becoming a realtor one day, but it wouldn’t be until the kids are much older or maybe even off to college.

My primary work-related guilt involves the fact that I hate cleaning the house.  I have a nagging belief that since I am here all day, I should do more cleaning and upkeep but I just don’t like to do it.  Maybe next year when L goes to kindergarten, I will do a better job cleaning the house. Or maybe I will get a part-time job so someone else will clean it.

S’s Mom asks

do you use the term “hapa”? I think it would feel strange saying it. Likewise my relative is black/Asian and I would feel strange saying Blasian to her. I just say biracial or multiracial.

 have been introducing the idea of “hapa” to M.  I made her watch a hapa organization video on youtube last month.  She was kind of uninterested, but you know, she is eight.  She is very comfortable with the idea that she is “Chinese and white” or “Asian and American”  (her words, not mine).

While there are more half or part Asians around than there used to be (especially where we live in the Midwest), M is still a pretty small minority.  She has a friend at school who is also half-Chinese and I have heard them talking about what exactly “half chinese” means before.  Clearly, it means something to her.
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M is going to live a life where she passes as white most of the time.  She is well-aware that Chinese people do not see her as Chinese, but our family considers her to be Chinese/Taiwanese (or maybe Asian/ Asian American). She knows that Chinese people don’t see her as much Chinese at all. Her father’s Asian identity is very important to him.  That the kids have an Asian identity is important to him.  While that racial identity is important in our family, culturally we are not very Chinese/Taiwanese.  Culturally, we are mostly American with a little Chinese around the edges.
M’s experience as a mixed-race person is unique in our family. Every other person in our near extended family is either white or Asian (though she does have some cousins who are Taiwanese/Korean American which is its own mix).  I  don’t know yet what that will be like for her.  I am sure at times it will be difficult, but I am confident that in the end M will be able to figure it all out.
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I like the idea of “hapa” because there has been so much hapa activism lately (here, here, here, and here for example).  I like the idea of M knowing how to find people who have shared her experience of being mixed race Asian if she wants to.  I like the idea of one word that can encompass a bit of her experience rather than the unwieldy ”third generation Chinese American and white, raised in the Midwest, doesn’t speak much Chinese, etc.”
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We also talk generally about mixed-race people, too, but introducing M to the idea ”hapa” is more specific.  I don’t know how she will identify as she gets older, maybe she will think of herself as hapa, or mixed race or maybe just white.  It isn’t up to me.  I just put the ideas out there and see what sticks.  Also, I don’t generally say she is hapa to other people because I assume they won’t know what it means.
December 12th, 2011 | Category: Marvelous Miss M, Motherhood, Race and Culture | 12 comments
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