Race and Culture « American Family

The Heaviness (why I was crying that one day) pt.1

Right before school started this year, our Chinese tutor of 2.5 years quit with no notice. She was good, really good –she had a master’s degree in foreign language education and everything. Then, suddenly I had to try to find a new tutor.

You know how hard it is to find a well-qualified Chinese tutor here with no notice? It is hard. It involves a lot of talking to people I don’t know about a subject I am stupid about. And despite my inability to speak any other languages, I have strong feelings about the exact way I want my kids to be taught (full or nearly full immersion, focus on practical vocabulary and speaking, not much focus on writing or reading).

And if the teacher quitting wasn’t bad enough, the boys who had been doing an immersion class with M found a new tutor who wouldn’t take a third kid into their sessions. So we lost our class too.

As I was looking for a new tutor, I also had to try to find other kids to create a small classes for L and M. I posted on the FCC mailing list looking for intermediate and beginner Chinese students to do a class with us after school one day a week, only to have my post immediately deleted. (I assume because it competes with their very low intensity saturday Chinese classes? I don’t know.) This made me really upset also, because A) once again FCC was more worried about their own self-interest rather than helping expose adopted kids to actual Chinese cultural stuff as and B) it just drove home the point that we can not expect any kind of camaraderie or support from other adoptive families here, or at the very least, not from FCC.

Teaching the girls Chinese is really important to us (Mr. A and I), but there is no way we can really expect any kind of success living here. There is no Chinese immersion program. There are no language schools besides Chinese school (and a similar Taiwanese school) which we already tried repeatedly and deemed too much effort and frustration for the inadequate outcome and poor quality teaching.* If they are going to learn in a kid-focused way that does not make them absolutely hate everything about Chinese, it is going to fall to me to find someone to teach them and kids to learn with.

If we could find a way to outsource Chinese, I would pay through the nose for it. I would get a job to pay for it if there was any the girls to get full-immersion instruction with other kids 3 times a week. I have even considered getting a job to pay for a Chinese au pair (an idea Mr. A adamantly refuses to consider).

Now that we know L’s family, teaching the girls Chinese is no longer optional. It can’t just be one more extracurricular activity. They actually need to learn to speak and understand it.

The pressure to achieve something that is pretty much unachievable is absolutely overwhelming.

(To be continued… part two)

* I know this sounds contradictory, but the Chinese School community is a bad fit for us because it is mostly 1st generation immigrant parents who speak Chinese at home.

Quick Question

One quick question today because I am running from appointment to appointment to Pub Night (hallelujah!).

From Beep:

Any advice for the parent of a hapa toddler who “looks white” on how to start addressing race and identity?

Quick answer:

Get this book: Does Anybody Else Look Like Me: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Multiracial Kids

That book has a great breakdown of what kids understand at different ages. It is really interesting.

Longer answer: I think the first thing to do is figure out what it is about race/culture/identity that is important to you and your family. Mr. A’s Asian identity is very important to him, so that gave us a starting place. We wanted to make sure our kids would feel comfortable identifying as Asian and being Asian out in the world so that gave us a good place to start. Also, there isn’t a right way to have multiracial kids, you just have to figure out what works for your family.

Embarrassing Stories.

Ok, so if you weren’t reading along, please read the comments on the last post. I think we can all agree, poor Elaine takes the cake with her story. Oh man. I want to hide just thinking about it.

Here are a couple of mine:

I was talking on the phone with a friend from high school who calls me maybe once a year, so we had a lot of catching up to do. We were gossiping about another friend from high school who was dating a kind of celebrity (ok, I suppose he is a real celebrity because probably 80% of you have seen him in movies, but I doubt most of you would recognize his name). That celebrity is a LOT older than us. I think I was maybe 32 at this time and this guy was at least 60. I was making a huge deal about how old that guy was… Older than my dad! Has kids our age! yada yada yada. My friend said things like, “Oh, that age difference isn’t that shocking.” ”As long as she is happy,” whatever, just probably trying to shut me up. I would not be shut up. I went on and on, talking about wrinkly private parts and other unpleasant things one might encounter when dating an old dude. I beat that old dude horse long long after it was dead.

Finally, we moved on to other topics and I asked my friend if she was dating anyone. It turns out she was…a guy who was at least 60 years old with kids our age.

THAT was awkward.

Another one:

The first time I ever slept over with Mr. A, I was drunk. Really drunk. He fell asleep (as I know know he is wont to do as soon as he has even one beer). At this time (I was maybe 21? Yeahhh, let’s say 21 so we can assume I was drinking legally), I had never known another Asian person personally. So when Mr. A fell asleep, I leaned over him in bed, trying to get a good look at his eyes to figure out exactly what it was that makes Asian eyes look Asian. Not surprisingly, when a drunk girl was leaning right over top of his face, Mr. A woke up with a start and asked what the heck I was doing. Totally busted, I was drunk enough to tell him the truth. He just rolled his eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Last one for today:

On a totally different occasion, early in our dating life, probably after I asked him something very basic about being Asian, Mr. A said “Seriously, have you never known any Asian people at all?”

The truth was, I didn’t know any. I grew up in a really rural area where almost everyone was white and the few who weren’t were Black or biracial Black/white. (Not entirely true, I knew two people with one Hispanic parent and one Asian girl who I now know was adopted, but honestly I don’t think it ever occurred to to me that she wasn’t white even though all her cousins were. I know, wtf? I was oblivious.)

Anyway, when Mr. A said that, I wanted to seem more worldly than I was because it is embarrassing to be a hick from the sticks. ”Oh, There are Chinese people where I grew up. They worked at the factory. They were always the best workers because their little hands are better for the kind of machinery they have there.”

A) I had never seen these rumored factory Chinese so I don’t even know if they existed. B) Ah yes, the amazing little Asian hands, wtf AmFam, W. T. F. C) This is how I try to impress someone? Really?

Seriously, I don’t know how Mr. A put up with that kind of dumb bullshit long enough to end up marrying me…he is a good and patient man, that is all I can say.

I can think of example after example of stupid shit I said (usually TO HIM!) about Asians…like the time I realized that our mailman was Asian in San Francisco. I couldn’t get over the whole blue collar Asian phenomena there. In our Midwestern college city, it seemed like all the Asians were either super cool (usually because they were imported from the East or West coast) or getting some kind of crazy fancy advanced degree. But a MAIL MAN?? or even more shocking, a CONSTRUCTION WORKER or working on a ROAD CREW?!??! It blew my poor, sheltered Midwestern mind. And I could not shut up about it.

That poor man ( my then future husband) would just gently tell me I was embarrassing myself (and sometimes him) and let me know why I was out of line/ignorant/racist/whatever. Or he would make fun of me for being so dumb. Eventually, I guess I stopped being so dumb. (Either that or he got tired of telling me! heh)

My original intention with asking you all to contribute stories was to see if we could draw some kind of * Kumbaya – we all learn from our mistakes* kind of conclusion. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am not the person who can wrap this all up nicely and make us all feel human through our shared assholery.

We all screw up. Either someone points it out to us and we A) feel like an ASS and don’t do it again, B) we realize our mistakes on our own, feel like an ASS and don’t do it again; , or C) no one tells us and/or we refuse to listen and we go on with our lives making an ass of ourselves over and over.

I would pick A or B every time.

P.S. While the kumbaya moment was my original feel-good take away from this experiment, I think we all know the real feel-good take away: At least we weren’t the person who thought Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the janitor. (Sorry Elaine!)

Ask an Asian: Mr. A speaks.

I was talking to Mr. A about my post yesterday and he wanted to throw his $.02 out there. (Also, I am getting tired of posting every day so I am outsourcing this one.)

*****

Here are a couple of thoughts from an actual, honest to goodness, Asian American.

(1) Don’t teach your kid to be rude. Kids should not be encouraged to swear or be racist. ”Slanty eyes” is a vulgar, racist gesture. You wouldn’t encourage your kid to use the middle finger or swear because you think it is cute. Slanty eyes is among the most vulgar, racist things that you can do when directed towards asians. If you think it is fine for a five year old to say incredibly vulgar things like “cunt” or “fuck” or if you think it is funny for kids to say racial slurs, then, fine, encourage your kid to make slanty eyes.

(2) Don’t give your own kid a complex about her race. Everyone gets weird complexes from their parents. I would think the last thing you would want to do is to give your own kid a complex about her race. Why would you want to encourage your kid to act in a way that every single asian american thinks is weird and offensive?

Stick to the normal complexes parents give kids. ”I irrationally hoard money because my mom died poor.” ”I have a messy house because my dad was an obsessive clean freak.” Those are tough enough. Don’t add “I hate the way I look because I have slanty eyes” to the mix of things your kid will have to overcome.

(3) Racial identity is really hard to understand. Soooooo, this topic is really hard to understand EVEN FOR ASIAN-AMERICANS. In fact, racial identity is really hard to understand for minorities with a long history and established culture in this country, like African-Americans.

How Asian should I be? Who can I be “really asian” with? When can I make a racial joke to defuse the tension, without making people feel uncomfortable? When is my race hurting me? When is it helping me?

I have these questions probably once a month or so, and I am 38 year old well-educated very fancy-pantsed corporate lawyer. Your kid is going to have find a path that makes sense for her. Just try not to screw up so bad she goes into therapy, or starts dating white guys.

Note: This post was edited by AmFam to remove words like “vulgarity” which normal people do not say. She also wrote “fancy pantsed” which is grammatically incorrect.

Eye-pulling question

M asks:

Totally off-topic but would love to hear your thoughts on this:

White adoptive mom posted a picture of her Chinese adopted daughter ( http:// http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/10/on-self-image.html cut and paste if the link doesn’t work) making the “slant-eye” gesture because she thought it was “cute”. The majority of her readers also thought it was either “hilarious” or “cute”. Some also chimed in with their adopted Chinese daughters have all done it too and “it’s so funny”.

When it was pointed out to her by adoptees (including some Asian adoptees), that this was a racist gesture and it was wrong of her to post the picture, she said “take a chill pill”( http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/10/chill.html ) and that anyone who doesn’t see it as cute was the one making it into something ugly.

She also openly admits that she had her daughter re-create the pose so she could photograph it for her blog.

(Ok, true, this isn’t the kid in question. This is Miley Cyrus. Isn’t she “cute”?)

This question just came in today. I wasn’t going to include the link (because I have had my own share of drive-by blog criticism, but when I read the comments over there it about made my head explode. My personal favorite was “Hilarious!!!! It is amazing how they view themselves. She is American now!!!!!” *ARGH*

But let’s just back up a minute and I will tell you what I would do if one of my girls ever made that eye-pulling gesture.

1) I would tell my kids that under no circumstances are they to make that gesture in relation to themselves or someone else.

2) I would explain the history of that gesture is derogatory toward Asians, no matter who does it. (This is no different than if I had adopted a Black kid who wanted to try out using the N word in reference to him or herself. Nope. Not OK with me.)

3)We would have a long talk about the history of discrimination against Asians and other people of color in this country and help them understand that perpetuating those negative things are never ok. We would talk about the Chinese Exclusion act, the Japanese internment, slavery, the civil rights movement, post 9-11 discrimination against Muslims etc. It isn’t like “othering” Asians is a long-past historic relic. This shit is still happening.

4) Most importantly, I think I would take a GOOD LONG LOOK at the people we have around our kids. Why is it that an Asian child would think her eyes look like they are pulled back? Why aren’t Asian eyes normal for her? Does she not see Asian adults and Asian kids in her everyday life? My kids have never, ever thought their eyes were unusual to my knowledge. Why would they? They see lots of Asian eyes. Asian eyes are not actually that different than white people eyes and they certainly don’t look pulled back.

I have a friend whose son has a cranial abnormality/birth defect that is somewhat obvious. I would imagine if he came home saying “Mom, Hi! I’m like Sloth from the Goonies. ” and mashed his face so one eye was lower than the other. No one would argue that that was “cute”. * I think we would recognize that he is recognizing his own difference. I don’t think I would say, “Hey! Act like Sloth so I can video tape it and put it on the internet!” You know why? Because all of us know that Sloth is not a positive thing for a kid to associate himself with.

Would this mom think it was so cute if that little girl were mocking her own visible special need? I am guessing not.

That racist eye-pulling gesture has been used for decades to other and ridicule Asians. How is that cute? And also, now, since the gesture was recreated for the internet, this kid is going to think her parents think it is funny too. Not cool. Our kids need to know that we (white adoptive parents) get it even when they don’t. And we don’t tolerate racism in any way shape or form, even if it is out of ignorance or a joke or a mistake. If you laugh when she does this gesture, how can she come to you when kids are mocking her with that or with other racist crap at school?

When that racist thing happened to Mr. A and L on the bike trail, he said things like that have happened to him literally HUNDREDS of times in his life. It happened to L for the first time at age 5. Is “Ching Chong” cute? No. And L knows for sure her dad will address that kind of racism head on for her because he dealt with it didn’t let it slide. I mean, he could have just laughed it off because those kids were only in Jr. High and they were clearly so stupid (to yell at an adult and think they could get away with it) that it was actually kind of funny, but he didn’t. And if our kids were internalizing racist gestures or yelling “ching chong” themselves, I wouldn’t think it was funny nor would I want them to believe I thought it was cute.

In her follow up post (linked above) the mom seems to think people are saying there is something wrong with what her daughter did, but that isn’t the case. We all know that kid was just being a kid. She was either copying something she saw somewhere else or trying in her own way to process being different because she is Chinese.

People aren’t blaming the kid. People are saying there is something wrong with what the MOTHER did: taking the picture, thinking it was cute, not addressing the racism that gesture represents. (Maybe we should all take a minute and read this because odds are, one day we will each make a similar mistake.)

At this point there is no way that mom is going to back down from her defensive position. She is backed into a corner and she is going to defend her position that it is fine for her to think this is just a cute thing her kid did. Never mind that people tried to gently (click that link!) and not so gently point out her mistake, she doesn’t want to hear it.

There is no reason to waste energy trying to explain something to someone who is so entrenched. One day, she might look back and be embarrassed– just like I look back at many of the things I thought and did in the past. I would rather put my energy into educating and protecting my own kids.

______________________

* Also, my friend’s kid doesn’t look like Sloth and I asked his mom’s permission before I used him as an example.

**I linked to these above, but in case you missed them:

How Not to be a Doofus when Accused of Racism (A Guide for White People)

and

How to Tell People They Sound Racist

The Heaviness (why I was crying that one day) pt.1

Quick Question

Embarrassing Stories.

Ask an Asian: Mr. A speaks.

Eye-pulling question

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